I am going to try and make this as short as possible, but it's difficult because I constantly feel so confused and stressed. My DH and I have been together 8 years. For the first 6 or so, I would have said we had an ideal relationship - loving, supportive, lots of laughter, and we worked as a team through some really difficult life events.
Starting around 2, maybe 2.5 years ago, DH became more irritable. He hated where we lived, so I thought that was to blame at first. In the past 2 years, we had a baby, got new jobs, and made a major move to a place he supposedly likes better. Yet his temper got worse and worse. During this lockdown I have realized that I am very scared of him. I sort of cringe when he walks into a room because I never know what mood he'll be in. When it's a bad mood, he'll take any excuse to start an 'argument,' but it's not really an argument because all I'm usually trying to do is defend myself. He shouts and he knows I hate shouting; I had an abusive childhood and it causes me to shut down and sort of zone out. He yells at me for that too. He makes cruel comments about my upbringing - and recently compared me to my mother, which 1) is absurd and 2) he knows is the worst and most hurtful thing he could say.
I am wondering if the extenuating circumstances of lockdown and stuff in his personal life could excuse some of this? Or if he is revealing a part of his personality he kept hidden for years. When I protest his behavior, the arguments get very confusing and circuitous until I end up apologizing, and I frequently find myself doubting whether I did, in fact, provoke him or not. I actually started writing down some of what was said in arguments immediately afterward, because my stress response (mentioned above) makes it really difficult for me to remember exactly what was said and done. When I read back through my journal, it seems that I often do 'initiate' the arguments through some kind of anxious behavior that gets on his nerves (like organizing and re-organizing cabinets, which I know is annoying!). But I certainly do NOT go around trying to pick fights, and I really wish he would just be more easygoing.
I have given serious thoughts to leaving, especially because DD (18 months) is getting old enough to pick up on tension. Yet what if this is a blip on the radar caused by the once-in-a-century pandemic situation, and I split up our family over something that could be resolved? We're in couples counselling but it's not helping - if anything he is angrier after the sessions.
Thanks for reading this novel and I appreciate any advice.