Old friend died and I can't talk to anyone about it

[Sad2021]

I discovered an old friend and ex-colleague of mine took his own life earlier this week leaving his wife and a very young child. This was someone I worked with for about eight years. Although I haven't seen him for many years we occasionally exchanged life updates etc.

He was about 10 years younger than me and I recruited him to work for me straight from uni. It was his first job, so I was sort of his mentor too. We worked in a specialist area, so when I moved companies I ended up recruiting him into my team again as he had the skills and experience I needed.
We worked together through some really stressful times, late nights, international travel and meetings, meals and drinks together in strange cities, we ran a marathon together as part of a company team.
Obviously we knew each other really, really well. We were never involved romantically, but we were very close, and once agreed that if things had been different, we might have been.

His death has really upset me. He still lived in the same city as me and I had no idea he was feeling so desperate . I wish I had been there for him.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone because I'm not sure anyone knew we were so close? I mentioned his death to my DH but although he expressed sadness he quickly moved onto the next thing.

I feel so absolutely empty and like I want to talk to someone about what a wonderful person he was and all the fun times and his contribution to the work team etc, but I can't do that, can I, without sounding a bit in love and unhinged?

You can talk to us? I am really sorry to hear of your loss , you don't sound unhinged some of our greatest relationships are the ones that never get beyond the platonic state.

@bloodywhitecat

You can talk to us? I am really sorry to hear of your loss , you don't sound unhinged some of our greatest relationships are the ones that never get beyond the platonic state.

This.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I know people call Samaritans normally when they feel suicidal but you have been affected by a suicide. I know it might seem odd talking to a stranger but at the same time it might help to process the grief. It's not good not to talk. And of course you can post here :)

Thank you for your kind messages. I just saw a friend for a walk and she was really sweet and let me talk about him while she just listened. We agreed that these sort of work relationships can be quite intense sometimes.

I am just so shocked about his death. He was one of those people that spends his life volunteering, helping others. He was big into sport and coached children at a local club. Knew hundreds of people in the community and always seemed to have loads of friends.
And yet, obviously, he was deeply unhappy underneath. I have no idea whether this was as a result of the last year/ covid, but its so sad.

Hugs to you OP, do write about him here. I lost a friend to suicide some time ago now, and it did really traumatise me to think of how he must have felt at the time, moreso than if he had died another way I think.

I hope your friend is resting peacefully now. He sounds like a good person.

Please don't feel that you don't have the right to grieve or be reallly sad about this. Talking does help and many therapists are still seeing people either face to face or on line. If you feel it then it's valid to you. I don't think I'm expressing this very well, but people seem to rank how we should grieve by blood relationship rather then the relationships we make for ourselves. Losing someone you love is devastating. Let yourself grieve. And guilt and anger are part of grief. Take good care and let it out - wherever you can - if it helps.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It must have come as a shock for you, but please believe even if you were still involved in his life as a work colleague, you couldn't have stopped him.
I hope he can RIP now, poor man.

Such a shock for you and you will be upset, he is part of the fabric of your life.

Would it help you, over time, to gather some copies of photos (if you have any) and write some memories for his child/ widow. It might help you to channel your ideas and memories and (as long as sensitively edited) might help them fill in some gaps in his life.

I agree, write a short letter to his widow expressing your condolences. I wouldn’t put memories, stories etc in the letter itself, but maybe enclose them separately. I know when I have lost family members letters and cards become something you keep and re read at a later date and are a big part of the grieving process.

I am so sorry that you have lost a friend, it must have brought up a lot of memories, some happy and maybe some you would rather forget. Try to focus on the good memories, save the regrets for a day when you are feeling stronger and better able to put things into perspective.

write a short letter to his widow expressing your condolences. I wouldn’t put memories, stories etc in the letter itself, but maybe enclose them separately. I know when I have lost family members letters and cards become something you keep and re read at a later date and are a big part of the grieving process.

Really sorry for your loss.
Can I just say, as a young widow myself, please think carefully about what you write in a letter if you do this. It would have freaked me out to get an emotional, heartfelt letter from a close friend (and almost more than that) of my husband, especially one I didn't know about. Only my opinion, but maybe just a condolence card for now.

It would have freaked me out to get an emotional, heartfelt letter from a close friend (and almost more than that) of my husband, especially one I didn't know about.

Yes - this is exactly what I am afraid of! The time we worked together pre-dates his marriage, but even so, I realise I need to keep a lid on any emotional stuff.

I was meaning more memories and experiences than emotional feelings, I agree those are best not sent to the widow, and maybe memories curated over time rather than now that it is so raw and you have time to reflect. I know that we have appreciated them, especially for family members our children have not met.

@Sad2021

It would have freaked me out to get an emotional, heartfelt letter from a close friend (and almost more than that) of my husband, especially one I didn't know about.

Yes - this is exactly what I am afraid of! The time we worked together pre-dates his marriage, but even so, I realise I need to keep a lid on any emotional stuff.

I don't want to sound weird and possessive about it. I know my husband had friends and lovers before he met me. Hearing nice memories makes me smile now. But i wouldn't have appreciated it in the early days. I think, unfortunately, your feelings are very private and maybe should remain so - certainly from his wife at the moment.

And that's part of the sadness, that you can never tell that person what they meant to you. I really am sorry.

Sorry, I didn’t mean write an emotional letter, just one expressing condolences. That’s why I suggested putting any stories or reminiscences separately, I certainly wouldn’t want a letter to cause further distress.

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was quite a guy and you had a close bond.
I will light a candle for your friend tonight

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been there, with the sudden death of a colleague for whom I had very intense feelings (both positive and negative) but which outwardly never went beyond a professional and mentoring relationship. It’s some of the most intense grief I’ve ever known. I’d say give yourself time and acknowledge the depth of your feelings without shame or minimisation, and find at least one person you can talk to openly about them, whether that’s a trusted friend or a counsellor. Perhaps when you’re ready find some form of ritual around his death (lighting a candle, photos, whatever). My colleague was single when he died but I wrote a condolence letter to his parents in which I stayed all the ways he was so respected in his professional life and as some of the ways he’d inspired me as a mentor, and I got a lovely reply back from them so hopefully it was the right thing to do.

I had something similar - a work colleague who had recruited me as a graduate.

We weren't as close as you were to your ex-colleague but it made me particularly sad as I didn't find out about his suicide until some months later (I had moved on to a different company by this time).

It turned out we'd both been off work with very severe mental health issues at the same time, I spent a couple of months in a private psychiatric hospital.

The reason it particularly played on my mind was that the day I recovered enough to go back to work was the same day he killed himself.

He also left a wife and two children.

He was one of the loveliest, jolliest guys I've met. Always smiling and joking.

I also think something like lighting a candle for him might be nice and I might try this for my ex-colleague even though it's been a few years.

RIP Jules.

I also lost an ex colleague (jobshare) due to suicide. We still worked for the same place but they were on sick leave and I was in a different department. I only found out after the funeral. It was such a shock and I think of them often. I'm very sorry for your loss OP. You share so many things when you work closely with someone. We had work trips away too. I feel privileged to have known them.