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Original poster

Need to know if it's weird that I didn't know about a friendship for a decade

15 replies

NewYearDahlia · 29/01/2021 12:44

Just found out by chance through a series of messages notifications on DH's phone that he has been friends with a woman for a decade and I didn't know. I asked him why they were texting and he said because they were friends.
Just typing that sounds ridiculous.
I knew of the woman, her first name, and a couple of facts about her, and I knew that he would see her at a weekly sporting hobby, but I didn't know they were friends that messaged.
I am completely stumped because if they'd been friends for that long I would have expected to have been introduced to her, or us gone out to dinner with her and her OH, or something like that?
I don't want to labour the point and I don't think he and her are having an affair but is it weird that he's been secretive for so long? I think it's weird.

OP posts:

PilatesPeach · 29/01/2021 12:48

I'd find this odd. Am sure plenty will come on and talk about insecurity and no reason to know this stuff but to me, yes odd and I'd not like it.

Feelingchicken99 · 29/01/2021 12:52

I have friends that are my friends that I see and I message, but we don’t mix with each other’s partners, am friends with that person not there husband or wife, myself if my H comes home and says do you want to go for a drink with say a work friend as couples then I’d rather not go to be honest there his friendships not mine.

Shadysback · 29/01/2021 12:53

Why don't you think they are having an affair. I can't see why he would have kept an innocent friendship secret for so long.

HurricaneBitch · 29/01/2021 13:04

I wouldn't expect to meet his work mates, but I know of them, especially ones who has known 10 years. It's the secrecy I'd have a problem with.

Original poster

NewYearDahlia · 29/01/2021 13:10

@Shadysback

Why don't you think they are having an affair. I can't see why he would have kept an innocent friendship secret for so long.

I don't think they are having an affair because there aren't any of the signs I would expect. He's not working late, he's not always attached to his phone, etc. I'm wondering if it is literally a case of the messaging coming to light simply because they're not seeing one another due to lockdown restrictions and he never thought to tell me they chat. I know men are different, but when I joined an exercise class I was telling him info about the stuff we did and the women there within a couple of weeks of starting. Same with any new jobs I've started. He also tells me a lot about what his mates tell him. It's like I've woken up on another planet.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 29/01/2021 13:19

a) It genuinely escaped his attention
b) he didn't mention her because he valued the friendship, didn't want anything more, but was concerned you'd get jealous
c) He hasn't done anything questionable over text with there, but his saving this woman for a rainy day. I don't think men often maintain friendships with women unless there is a little spark of hope there somewhere for something else - be it relationship or friends with benefits. It's what keeps the friendship from fizzling out in a way it might have done otherwise. That's just my experience anyway.
d) He's somehow managed to have an affair

I don't blame you for finding it odd!

EarthSight · 29/01/2021 13:21

With her, but he's saving this woman for a rainy day*

Amotherlife · 29/01/2021 13:36

I'm sure my DH couldn't name the key colleagues I talk about and wouldn't know every friend I keep in touch with.

However, it is probably odd for most men. But I do know men who have truly platonic long term women friends. My brother, for one.

I suppose it depends on whether your DH has lots of other friends, male or female and whether he tells you all about his contact with them.

mindutopia · 29/01/2021 13:36

I don’t think it’s necessarily strange. I have lots of friends from before I met Dh (12+ years ago) who Dh has probably never heard of. In fact, he’s often like, oh who’s that? when I mention someone. But I’ve lived abroad lots and have friends from home who I keep in touch with but haven’t seen since before Dh and met (we live in a different country from where I grew up so many couldn’t afford to come to our wedding). He’s curious because he is trying to place them in a location/friend group - he obviously knows I’m not having an affair. Some people just sort of have texting friendships. It would only be weird if they were meeting up for dinners out regularly without you knowing or something.

HighSpecWhistle · 29/01/2021 13:44

Id find it weird too, unless the messaging is a recent thing?

If they've been mates through sport for so long I wouldn't be shocked. My OH has lots of friends at football and I don't know anything about them.

But if they've been messaging for a long time then yes I think it's a bit weird he hasn't even mentioned it in passing. Although I have some friends I message who I rarely talk about just because I know he wouldn't be interested

Original poster

NewYearDahlia · 29/01/2021 14:01

It's not so much the messaging that bothers me than the sudden reclassification of this person as friend. I know it's not a perfect analogy but I feel it's literally like me suddenly telling DH after a decade of visiting the same butcher every week that we are friends. I am pretty sure DH would either go WTF and/or laugh in my face. I'm joking a bit here, but humour is the only way I can get round the weirdness. I'm glad others would find it weird too. DH was so matter-of-fact about it.
I think EarthSight's options are helpful and I immediately veered towards c) but I don't know why other than it's the most plausible.

OP posts:

BibbityBobbety · 29/01/2021 15:10

If it's a message every few months type thing, or just messaging about the hobby then that's not weird. As you do know about her. It's only weird if they are regularly messaging about stuff other than the hobby, in weekly contact, meet up outside the hobby etc - because then I'd expect it to come up at some point in the last decade.

How frequently are they in contact, and do they hang out outside the hobby?

Nopreservatives · 29/01/2021 15:23

I knew of the woman, her first name, and a couple of facts about her, and I knew that he would see her at a weekly sporting hobby, but I didn't know they were friends that messaged.

If they've been sharing a hobby weekly for a decade, wouldn't it be odd if they weren't friends?.

I have a male friend I've been doing this with longer than that. We exchange messages maybe 3 or 4 times a month, more if there's something particular going on with the hobby or one of us has something big going on in our lives. He's been a massive (virtual) support to me while DH has been seriously ill for example. I've never met his wife because I only see him at the sport, which she doesn't attend.

Now you've got me wondering what she knows of me, but she has absolutely nothing to fear from me.

gannett · 29/01/2021 15:32

I knew of the woman, her first name, and a couple of facts about her, and I knew that he would see her at a weekly sporting hobby, but I didn't know they were friends that messaged.

It's a bit of a false distinction you're drawing - friends who play sport every week vs friends who message.

The frequency I message my friends goes up and down all the time based on endless and fairly random factors. And sometimes if I'm messaging someone I thought was an acquaintance that can be step one to becoming closer friends (platonically, obviously!). I assume they're no longer seeing each other every week so it makes sense that they'd be messaging each other more.

Despite being together for a decade DP and I still haven't met all of each other's friends and weirdly the longer that goes on the harder it is to engineer a meeting - that's particularly the case for hobby-based friends! Some of my favourite people are those I go to gigs with (a genre DP hates) or do activism work with and when we're together we basically natter endlessly about the shared hobby/campaign - it's a conversation that DP would be bored stiff by. He knows about them but inviting them round for dinner or specifically to meet him would feel weird somehow (we have a lot of mutual friends who are good at dinner parties already).

So actually, I don't think any of this is particularly unusual...

junebirthdaygirl · 29/01/2021 16:13

As a woman l have male friends through a hobby. We would message a few times a month..maybe a conversation over back and then nothing again for a while. My dh knows l know people there that he doesn't. We would never mix socially as couples. But our chats are around our hobby so no emotional stuff or anything. Its totally above board and absolutely innocent. If my dh was to say for eg..who is Tom that just messaged you there. I would say oh he is a friend from..hobby. I would fully expect him to accept that. So it could be grand and not suspicious at all.

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