A MIL and DH one

[Summertime2]

My MIL is on her own, in her 80s and has always been "difficult" and an unhappy person. Rude to strangers, racist, complains about whatever she is offered food wise when she visits, often gets into conflict with people she meets and insults them, refuses to wear a mask when she shops, the list just goes on and on. Whenever she speaks to DH she says how miserable and lonely she is. We have been seeing her regularly throughout lockdown, once a week/once a fortnight sometimes more. My DH feels very guilty about her being unhappy but finds her very difficult to be around as she is always so negative, rude and hostile. I have encouraged him over the last year to invite her over more often and be pleasant to her while she is here (often they just end up sniping at each other).

She came round 3 weeks ago for lunch and as soon as she arrived started being really, really horribly racist. It came out of nowhere. I couldn't even write here the things she was saying. Although she's always been racist this was in a new league of awfulness. I very calmly said that while we understood that she was lonely and wanted to welcome her, I wouldn't accept anyone speaking like that in my home, that those views were simply not acceptable. She had to understand that she would not be welcome here if she spoke like that. She laughed in my face and told me I was "peculiar".

We haven't seen her since. Apparently my DH has spoken to her and told her she ought to apologise but she refuses and doesn't see why she should.

This morning my DH announced her has invited her round for lunch tomorrow. Didn't check with me. I feel as though her being so unpleasant is just being swept under the carpet.

His position is that she is his mother, she's alone and unhappy and he has a responsibility to her so he has to see her despite not really wanting to. He feels VERY sorry for himself that he has this burden in his life and that is all he can really see. And I do get that. We are talking about an elderly woman on her own. She is his mother. And things are so much harder in lockdown.

But I am really struggling with the powerlessness of having someone in my home whether I like it or not who is both personally unpleasant to me and poisonous in her views.

Don't really know what to do. I could put my foot down and say she's not coming. But as my DH makes very clear - that just punishes him because he has to then drive to see her.

I'm thinking I may just absent myself and take the dog for a walk but don't really want to get into a situation where I feel I have to leave my own home every week to avoid her.

As context I had a step mother who was very cruel to me when I was a child and when I got upset my DF would just tell me how difficult the situation was for him and how he had told her not to behave like that but she just wouldn't listen and how difficult to was for him. The parallels I think are affecting me but when I told DH that he hit the roof and got really angry.

Any advice?

Hi OP I disagree with the diatribe of shes old and racist that others have said to ignore it and leave the house whilst you are there. Yes she is old but she doesn't live under a rock and I'm sure she is well aware her views offend you. Personally yes your husband has an obligation to see her as his mother and make sure she isnt lonely etc but I dont see why you have an obligation to have her over. Can he see her in her own home? Maybe short and sweet visits.

He may well want to continue the dysfunctional relationship he has with his mother but you do not have to do that and nor does your daughter. You can and should assert your boundaries; what is and is not acceptable to you?.

His own inertia also means he wants all this to go away or for you all to be able to get along which of course will not happen. He cannot or equally will not deal with his mother so caves into mother's demands and upsets you as his wife as a result. He is really that fearful of her.

Would he be willing to speak to someone like a BACP registered therapist regarding his relationship with his mother?.

So your DH says he is being punished if she can't come to your house, because then he has to drive to her? But he doesn't recognise that having her at your house is punishing for you as you either have to listen to her bigotry or go out every single week?? Nah. If she can't apologise and curb her racist content, she doesn't come in the house. You are allowed to not want to be exposed to hate speech in your home.

LOL at @Santaiscovidfree! Try that!!! :D

Can your dh go to her? He can either take round this meal and hers or cook something there.

I have encouraged him over the last year to invite her over more often and be pleasant to her while she is here

Well, at least you can stop doing this.

OP tell him he must visit her. It’s not punishing him he is seeing his mother.

Your an adult now you can choose who enters your home

@MMmomDD are you serious?? If op is white then aye so what if she’s racist?! My parents lost friends because they challenged racism despite being white, they didn’t speak to one side of the family for years because of it and I am incredibly proud of them for that.

In this situation I’d give her her last and final warning: speak like that again and she’s not coming in the house. Your DH will just have to do the drive if he wants. She’s not demented, she’s fully capable of biting her tongue whilst out and about and if she wouldn’t say it to a policeman she can bloody well not say it in your house.

I've a very difficult MIL too - insulting language, calling me names behind my back (DH put a stop to that one), criticising where we live (calling our home horrible etc.) - generally unpleasant company.

We've now reached a point where my DH visits her but she doesn't visit us. Its only marvelous. I happily cook for her (we supply all her meals), I'll shop for her and help my DH deal with her home help and any other thing I can do. As long as I don't actually have to see her. My DH feels supported in doing the care as I am very careful not to be critical of her no matter how critical he is.

Is that an option for you?

Why can't your husband go to her house? Why does she have to come to yours?

I'm not white so I wouldn't have married into a family with members that openly say racist things, but all you can do is make your position clear and refuse to be around her.

I would add that pre-covid when my DH was out and about in a hotel or restaurant and she was rude or obnoxious he simply moved tables and left her sitting on her own and told her that he wasn't going to be in her company if that was the way she was going to be. (this would follow being rude to waiting staff etc.). She stopped the rude behaviour.
Dh feels that there is no way he can not look after her - she's his mother and she's old and vulnerable but you can still set limits on whats acceptable. I agree with him.

Op Your husband should have your back on this. He knows how bad it was and has even asked her to apologise. So if she is to come to your home again, she has to do the apolgising first - that is a boundary that really must be drawn. If DH is unable or unwilling to insist on it from his mother in order to support you, that is very painful, especially given your past history. Is that perhaps why you have not insisted on boundary lines before now, to avoid this possibility?
You should not have to put up with the stress of her in your home every week. Neither should you have to go out to avoid her. Can you get DH to univite her this time unless she apologises? If not and you go to a different room, let him do all the food etc. And in future, keep numbers of visits to a minimum - and he can visit her. His relationship with his DM is for him to deal with. Not sure why you ever encouraged her to visit you every week. Sorry not to to have concrete advice, only sympathy.

People tend to bring in their baggage to most situations they encounter.
Your parents and their cutting ties with racist family members is a very different situation.
So is OP’s personal baggage with her step mother.

This woman is 80. None of us know her history and what her life has been like. Or what her mental status is right now.
We do know there is a pandemic and even younger and stronger people have struggled with isolation.
This isn’t the time to fight over changing an old and difficult woman into a more enlightened person. Not the time and not the place. This is a time for a bit of compassion - and primarily for OP’s H sake.

He wants and needs to be there for his mom in her latter stage of life. Why make it even harder.

(Point about OP being white is still valid. The old woman is not directly attacking OP - and, I am assuming, not doing anything with her racist opinions to hurt anyone. She is just an old person with views that we can’t change, and it’s pointless to bother)

My grandma was like this. Racist and rude but for the sake of my grandfather we would tolerate it however....

Every time she said something racist we would say "stop talking to me if you are going to be racist" or "I don't need to listen to your racist crap" and walk away.

Your DH can't expect you to do nothing about what she says, you can't expect him to ignore his mum.

It's a shabby compromise I know but I have no better suggestions

So - she is racist. And I assume you are all white - so this only affects you in some general sense of being wrong in principe.

I cannot believe that anyone would say that these days. Racism is ok provided it doesn't get said to anyone of another race???

In the 1980's I told my father that he would observe my rules in my house, and that his racist views were not acceptable in my home. We did not speak for three years (his choice), but he never ever said anything racist again in my hearing. It didn't change him, I am sure, but racism is either acceptable or not - there is no middle ground.

This is 2021 and if MIL cannot respect the rules of someone else's home, then she should not be there, and it is not a laughing matter.

And for those who are making the excuse that it's "mothers" or "grandmothers" generation - no it bloody is not. Racism etc. was never right, and people always knew it. We didn't grow up in a backwater. I am 63, and I knew that racism was wrong as a child. Claiming it was ok once upon a time is just not true.

"He wants and needs to be there for his mom in her latter stage of life".

Does he?. That is only because he has been conditioned to feel so obligated towards his mother. These two seem to end up just sniping at each other from what OP writes as well. theirs is certainly not an emotionally healthy relationship.

I also wonder if he would tolerate this behaviour of his mother's from a friend.

People who bother with spiteful, bitter and otherwise toxic relatives do so primarily because of their own fear, obligation and guilt. Also he perhaps hopes even now that she will change and apologise properly to both him and his wife. It will not happen.

She is awful.

You are correct in not wanting her in your home.

Your husband knows she's awful and should visit her in her home.

Instead he feels sorry for himself and trys to bully you by getting angry.

He's not very nice either.

Do not allow this man and his awful mother grind you down.

I would tell him to visit her.
If he brings her to your home absent yourself and be NO way involved.

Also lay this down as a marker that YOU will be in NO way involved in her care.

Your husband needs to respect you.

Does he?
Because it certainly doesn't sound like it.

I also would cover the situation up with your children.
Lead by example.

I would tell them clearly you refuse to be around such appalling language and views.