How to respond to DH when he does this?

[Hitthebeat]

I'm having a tough week.
My DCs have been ill, there has been very little sleep, I'm homeschooling and working from home.
DH is useless in the evenings as he seems to sleep through it all. He gets to go to work during the day time half the week and isn't having to deal with all the home stuff, although helps with homeschooling when he's here.
Yesterday, I had a jam packed day of meetings at work, I had a 20 minute break where I made lunch for DCs. When I wasn't in meetings for 15 minutes here and there, I was homeschooling. DH took over when he got home and cooked our dinner, took over with DCs. I told him I was absolutely exhausted when he came in to the study to say hello.

I then went downstairs eventually at 6pm to eat dinner with everyone, sat down and immediately the DCs wanted to tell me something. I felt overwhelmed and really tired but nodded and smiled.

But I knew DH was just waiting for them to finish so he could start with a very, very long and boring story about someone he works with, who I dont know told very loudly, like he usually does. I have spoken to him in the past about not pouncing on me as soon as he walks through the door to tell me things, but he is now doing it because I'm working from home. It begins as soon as I get downstairs. The DCs can't get a word in, nobody can. The story last night was about a work colleague who I don't know and about how she's struggling to juggle 2 jobs, how her kids are misbehaving etc etc. I would have been MUCH more open and interested in the story later on once DCs are in bed, but he uses this time to do his hobby in the garage, so he competes (it feels) with DCs for my attention.

It's exhausting and these stories are painful to listen to when I'm so tired and just need to unwind a little.

I nodded and smiled, didn't say anything and waited for the story to finish. He did this last week and actually realised that I was finding it too much and said "would you like me to stop?" I said yes and he did.
I thought this would have made him realise, but it hasn't.

I have wondered whether to eat my dinner in the study on occasion and pretend to still be working to avoid it. MIL has exactly the same "talking at" style and people avoid her because of it. It's draining. DH appears to have developed the same trait as he's got older.

I'm wondering what I could say to him when he starts these stories as soon as I appear? It's literally as soon as I appear in the doorway or sit at the table, or he wauta for DCs to finish and it starts.

I don't want to be disrespectful towards him, but I also can't put up with it. I've been so snappy with him since last night because I know if I say anything he'll say "fine I won't speak to you at all anymore" as he doesn't see any issue with his behaviour. I want a phrase that I can use as soon as it begins which tells him, I just don't want to hear it.

He sounds incredibly self-involved and selfish if I'm honest. You need a damn break. I'd say the stories aren't the issue at all. It's his total lack of doing his share with parenting or around the home that's utterly exhausting you meaning these rants of his are the final straw. Has he always been this way or has it just been during the pandemic?

I get you OP. I've worked from home for years and now my dc are at home and homeschooling I find it very difficult, it feels like I get no alone time. I finish at 3.30 on a Friday, but I don't even get my few hours alone to do what I want on a Friday now.

I've now started watching my box set on my phone in my office for an hour on an evening and telling everyone I'm still working. It's the only way I can cope. My dh is a lorry driver so doesn't really talk to anyone during the day so won't shut up the minute he comes in. My dc are teenagers and don't shut up, as they aren't having as much interaction with their friends so I get all their teenage gossip too. It's exhausting

I get you OP, both dh and dd brain dump on me as well, which then sets ds off too so I have an adult, a 16 year old and a 7 year old all taking it in turns to speak at me.

I just close them all down. Ask them if it's vital, if it's interesting enough to tell everyone or if it can wait. Dh usually looks the most offended but tbh, I don't care anymore. Its exhausting and selfish and dd and dh are old enough to know better.

I've perfected the art of looking like I'm listening and interested when really I'm not. It's just practice, try it

he uses this time to do his hobby in the garage

That is absolutely not on. How dare he disengage from family life every evening!? Wtf is the hobby?

I don't want to be disrespectful towards him

He's disrespectful towards you every day by the sounds of it.

@harknesswitch this is exactly what I needed to hear. That I can do this and it be ok. I really need a bridge between work life and home life where I can zone out. Well done for doing this and protecting yourself. I will now begin doing the same.

@frouby "brain dump" is exactly what this is. It is not a conversation in any way shape or form, it is definitely him dumping his thoughts on to me. Every single day. He doesn't even give me a hug or a kiss first which I truly believe would make this shit more bearable.

Infact, I'm going to start referring to it as "brain dumping" to DH to point out exactly what this behaviour is.

DP is the same. He blurts all his verbal diarrhoea at me and I have to listen and nod.
I don't bother bother trying to unload my day anymore as after about 3 minutes he will start talking to the dog or something else immensely rude and irritating or listen but completely take anyone else's side of I'm having a moan. I feel your pain.

Ha! Same with the greet! I don't even get a greeting. The dog does.

I think there's a lot tangled up in your post and you are communicating it really well to us. I wonder if your husband really has that appreciation. There are a few tells in your post that you are unable to communicate your needs reliably (which is normal, most of us were trained to keep quiet)
It really stuck me that you said you didn't want to hear stories from either of them but you still smiled and nodded ie pretended you were listening. If you avoid communicating your needs then it does make it harder for people to realise.
Maybe changing the status quo will be painful at first but it does sound like a communication issue.
If you want to take responsibility for improving thing then just think about the best option and communicate that. So when your child wants to say something if you are in smile and nod mode just say sorry my brain is frazzled from work, can you tell me about it when you are having your bath(or whatever) basically allocate the time and stick to it so they can get their needs met as well as yours.
Then apply exactly the same to your husband, sorry my brain is frazzled from work, can you tell me about it once the kids are in bed. And stick to it.
The advantage of that is you get individual time with each so no competition and they get their needs met and you get yours met.
It's not easy thought and it will cause some sort term pain as people think you are being difficult at first but disrupting the routine, but in the long run it is better for everyone.
If you don't feel like you can take full responsibility for fixing things, then family or couple counselling will be very helpful as everyone gets the chance to help solve things at the same time. You may be able to get free sessions through work.
On the other points i won't address them here as this is what you specifically asked.
Good luck. It's not easy but it will hopefully be worth it.

If you like, you could even just show him this thread as you have communicated your needs very clearly and fairly.

Imo have yourself a bath ready for him coming in the door. Disappear for a good hour or 2
..lock the door and ignore any knocks..
Rinse and repeat daily for a week. He needs to be parenting his dc....

@pinkyredrose I’m confused; why is it not ok for him to do his hobby in the evenings when the DC are in bed? Me and DH do similar and spend about 4 evenings a night with each other and the rest of the time are out of the house or in another room doing our hobbies.
I think it’s a difficult one OP, I totally get where you’re coming from as I’ve always used my commute as that time so it’s hard to adjust and my DH is similar to you in wanting to unwind but equally I find it hard when I want to talk and my DH just doesn’t and have them sitting there in front of you.

Could you say to him please stop talking AT me?

Marriage counselling, and failing that, divorce.

pinkyredroseI’m confused; why is it not ok for him to do his hobby in the evenings when the DC are in bed?

Because OP had already stated that he's useless in the evenings, he's either asleep or doing his hobby leaving her to do everything. Not sure what's so confusing about that.

Good advice there from Johnd2!