BF was emotionally involved with other woman deception in a relationship

[NoraSolo]

Hello All,

Hi All, Me and my boyfriend are together 3 years. My boyfriend used to live in a shared house with his friends when this girl moved in. Since start they seem to become friends. She gifted him a book, gave him access to her netflix, and he got her involved in his hobbies such as playing video games, game model painting and music.
They lived in the shared accommodation for 1 year with other housemates and I am sure that there was no physical cheating because I know my boyfriend loves me and I am the n.1 for him and I was around often. We moved in together last year and I noticed that he would play games and voice chat with her more often and even wanted to invite her over for Christmas. More often he would not say that he was about to play with her, I would just walk in the room and find out. She even bought him a game extension without occasion. My BF suffers from depression and has childhood trauma, on her side she also suffers from mental health issues and has traumas. I came to discover that for a year they were messaging regularly on a daily basis, going out for walks, jogs, cafes, playing games, watching shows and only 2 times out of 10 my BF will tell me that he was with her. On all other occasions he would say he would go for a walk but would never say if he was with her. I trusted him enough to not ask questions. Majority of times he was the one who started the conversations with her online. On couple of occasions she would send him sexual jokes or tells him about her sexual embarrassing situations. She would talk to him about her personal and family problems, and he would do the same. But to me he said that it was only her who shared her problems. She asked him to call and have a voice conversation and he did quite late at night, when I was not at home on that occasion. Then again he asked her for a phone conversation and to have it privately went to a cafe after work to talk to her. He also bought her a BD present and never told me. He would never say this to me. She was clearly into him. The ultimate straw for me was him trying to invite her for Christmas with us. My jealousy skyrocketed and I confronted him and said that I am not comfortable about their friendship and asked him to sort it out without saying that he should stop his interaction with her. He didn't protest and said that he called her and said that they will not hang out anymore bc his GF is not comfortable with it. He just put himself in my shoes. It is great that he did it and I respect his loyalty. All of the things that I described above came into the light after he decided to cut her off. I realise that I should have communicated to him about my jealousy earlier and not wait for a year, but I was patient and so much information was hidden from me. If I knew he was hanging out with her so often, I would not hesitate to speak up earlier. He kept things hidden and I was blindsided. He told me that he was not into her... but unfortunately after all this I feel deceived and it will take time for me to rebuild trust in my relationship and trust in him. He is trying as well and our relationship is very important to both of us. We decided to work on it. It take 2 people to build trust. Has anyone else had a similar situation with deception? Do you think it can be justifiable? I am just trying to understand the dynamics and what pushes people to be deceitful. Please share any thoughts. Much appreciated.

Sounds like he's had an emotional affair at best - how do you know he hasn't cheated?

It sounds like a disturbing amount of time to spend with a housemate. Male or female.

How is he when you talk about it? Is he defensive?

Do you have access to his phone/computer? And the messages they sent each other?

It sounds to me at best he's enjoyed the attention from this woman at worst cheated.

I hope you manage to find the truth

@themoneypolice Thanks for reply. I just have a gut feeling that there was nothing physical. It is disturbing amount of time yes.... at a time me and him were seeing each other mostly on weekends and sometimes during the week. When I confronted him, he wasn't defensive. He just said he felt rejected (???) I think he said that in self defense..... nut a weird thing to say. Later on he confessed he was left in shock. I saw a lot of their conversations. I don't have access to his devices, but happened to be lucky. Yes he liked the attention, probably knew it was wrong all around and kept it hidden. In terms of truth, I just want to know what pushed him into it. He said he became secretive because sometimes he was afraid that I would react badly about how he spends his time, which is none of my business really, but yeah I think he knew in advance how I would react if I knew. Thanks though

[quote NoraSolo]@themoneypolice Thanks for reply. I just have a gut feeling that there was nothing physical. It is disturbing amount of time yes.... at a time me and him were seeing each other mostly on weekends and sometimes during the week. When I confronted him, he wasn't defensive. He just said he felt rejected (???) I think he said that in self defense..... nut a weird thing to say. Later on he confessed he was left in shock. I saw a lot of their conversations. I don't have access to his devices, but happened to be lucky. Yes he liked the attention, probably knew it was wrong all around and kept it hidden. In terms of truth, I just want to know what pushed him into it. He said he became secretive because sometimes he was afraid that I would react badly about how he spends his time, which is none of my business really, but yeah I think he knew in advance how I would react if I knew. Thanks though[/quote]
So over the year he lived with this woman, you were together weekends and sometimes in the week? I think this is normal for a start of a relationship - I assume this is the start as you now live together! And this made him feel rejected? And that's the reason he's giving for spending so much time with this woman?

I'm sorry to be blunt but if that's the case how fragile!

I speak from experience here - I had self esteem issues and mental health issues as a young woman and that left me in relationships with terrible men.

Please believe me when I say nothing I've read about him yet seems healthy - do you honestly deep down in your gut even want to stay with him? Is he good in other areas of the relationship?

Again sorry to be blunt

@themoneypolice We spent about 2 years dating like this. I don't really think that he gave me a reason ..... I didn't ask why he would be so involved with her directly. I am an open minded person, and I also have my male friends, but we never cross boundaries. When I feel that the other person is interested in me more than necessary, I walk away. He didn't do it. I am sorry that you've been through related problems and struggled as well as a result :( No need to apologise for being blunt, I'd rather face things upfront and honest opinion is most valuable. I wanted to stay with him for sure though all this time, I started to ask myself this question after the confrontation and after all the information came into light. He is a nice person, and caring. He looks after me and I look after him. We have a good understanding of each other and we are trying to improve our communication and get to know each other better. No human being is perfect and everyone can slip without realising. Yes as you said he is fragile and also he defines himself as more naive person. Something, I never really took much in consideration. I already told him that or we are going to work on our relationship or we just break up. We both believe breaking up would be an easy option and great things need time and patience. We both took decision to work on this. Last year became like a black hole for me, knowing how things were... I believe that positives can outweight the negatives in this case, but this is the one and only chance there is to improve things. I think he got the message.