His ex's behaviour leaving me anxious and fed up

[Festivalgirl83]

Been with DP for 3 years and moved in together last year. I have 2 DC (10 and 8) he has a DD age 7.
His ex (in his words) in the past is that she is controlling, interfering, over protective etc. I have only realised the extent of this since we moved in.

In the past I have just snippets of this behaviour, an example of this is we went on holiday last year and she wanted the exact address of where we were staying, messaged and facetimed daily.
The year before she wanted to know the sleeping arrangements, ie who was in what bedroom (my DC didnt go on that holiday, was just me, DP his DD and his mum).

Other little things happen that I try not to comment on, we had covid at new year so obviously isolated for set amount of time but on the day we could see his DD again (and DP hadn't seen her for over 2 weeks) she made him wait another week "just to be safe". Was hard for my DP to go 3 weeks without seeing his DD.

Since moving in, she comments on what I cook for tea as DD is extremely fussy and has a go at DP almost everytime she has been for a meal here and then this week my DD opened the door whilst DP was backing the car on the drive and had thrown a pen out the window driving home. (My DD has ADD and can be very impulsive).

He didnt tell me about this actually until he had taken his DD home a day later and his ex had a go at him about this and wanted to know what he had done about it (his DD had obviously told mum)
I'm so fed up a) I didnt even know about this b) why is she so concerned it did not affect her child
C) Everytjkng is reported back from his DD to her mum and she keeps having a go after every visit.
I am feeling anxious and sick now every time 😔

If you're going to continue your relationship, you need to set really firm boundaries immediately and know that your partner is 100% in agreement.
Being a stepmother is rarely easy but If there's animosity from SC's mother it causes all sorts of problems.
I had a hard time for years with my (now adult) SC's mother.
It's far in the past now, but SC's mother was so angry, manipulative and interfering.
It was very, very tough for me, but I remember also being very worried about the effect of her behaviour on SC.
Our problems magically stopped almost overnight when she remarried but christ, it was one thing after another until then.
You should probably ask to move this thread to Step Parenting for more up to date advice as my tale is an old one.
But do beware, stepmothers who express their misgivings honestly seem to get harsh responses on MN.
Hopefully you get some constructive advice too.
Good luck.

Have you posted about this before?
I would ask this to be moved to step parenting as well.

Ime telling dsc that different homes have different rules is a start. She may feel telling tales is what dm wants. Tell her dm doesn't get to decide what happens in her df's /your home. Just as you don't ask /need to know about her rules with her dm.

I havent posted this before this was a very recent event this week. How do you start with setting boundaries?

It won’t be telling tails it will be her mum questioning her, I have a 7 year old and once she is in a roll she won’t stop speaking for ages!

Your DP has to deal with this properly. He needs to not tell you the petty stuff. Unless it’s something you need to know tell him your not interested in what she says and to deal with it yourself

Regarding food - I’d literally just buy her the food she likes. I have to do it with my seven year old. I have three kids two are fantastic eaters but dd2 eats a very limited diet. Just make her what she likes to cut the drama out.

Oh ok, it sounded familiar.
This is a DP problem. He needs to tell her to back off and start putting boundaries in with her. How is she even contacting you to have a go at you? Every time she does it, walk away, tell her you are hanging up, tell her you want be spoken to like that or tell her to talk to your Dp. Shut the behaviour down so you can't be dragged into the drama.
This isn't your fight. You are being uses as an emotional punchbag

@Silenceisgolden20 sorry his ex hasnt had a go at me it is my partner she keeps questioning and getting angry at.
I have messaged him this morning and asked to have a chat about this after work as it is really affecting me and also our relationship.

If this needs moving to stepparents I'm not sure how to do this so apologies

Oh ok sorry. I got the wrong end of the stick there.
Yes it will affect your relationship. He needs to set those boundaries with her then. Hard because that is out of your control.
I kinda have the same thing going on and it's incredibly frustrating. There is nothing you can do but tell him how you feel

Does he need to tell you every single thing his ex says? Sounds like he needs to put in boundaries. He doesn't need to tell her what you are having for tea or hear any backlash about it, he needs to massively disengage from her. Any texts or phone calls like that he needs to ignore.