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Relationships

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Put a label on it: news article

5 replies

famousforwrongreason · 29/01/2021 00:22

Not sure what the etiquette is here ref sharing articles but this is an interesting discussion point ref single women and labels.
I call myself a 'single mum' because I'm single and a mum, despite having a fifty fifty custody arrangement, I am a single person who is parenting alone when I'm with a the kids and still working for, and running a family home when they're with their dad.
Even if/ when I'm on a relationship I still call myself a single mum because since divorce, I've never been in a stable secure longterm partnership.
I don't call myself a divorcee tho because it sounds so dated.
Despite my feminist leanings, I went against all my principles and changed my name to my husband's when we we'd.
I had a horrible childhood and a difficult adulthood so I wanted to get a 'clean slate' (reader: the name change did not change my poor traumatised soul).
When we divorced I was going too revert to my own name but the kids got upset so I decided 'what's in a name?' and am still using NG my married name and the suffix Mrs despite not really believing that we need labels.
I think I just like the pretence of security that beibg called Mrs gives me.
If my ex marries again I feel like I should relinquish the title altogether.
I hate the term 'spinster'.
I was a determinedly single woman for many years until I became seriously broody.
I was once called a spinster in my twenties by an older, very unhappily married woman. I thought it was a horrible term then and I do now, although I recently learned the true meaning of the word and its actually empowering and liberating but the context in which it's primarily used is not meant as a compliment.
So, despite still being a Mrs I don't really label myself anything other than a woman

OP posts:
Sakurami · 29/01/2021 00:27

Yes really pisses me off that women have to state their marital status and men don't. I mean whether I'm married, divorced, widowed or single bears no significance to my correspondence with someone

SeahorseoramI · 29/01/2021 00:29

despite not really believing that we need labels
Your op reads like the truth is actually the total opposite of this.
Im married and Ms. When anyone asks whether im miss or mrs i ask them why they need to know my marital status Grin.

seensome · 29/01/2021 00:40

I don't like the labels either, women are given a hard time for never being married spinster or divorced, you can almost see people conjuring up the stories of why in their heads, single mum makes people assume you've never married and fathers probably not involved.
I'm divorced but just prefer to be say I'm single and I'm a Ms (none of your business)
I've kept my married name, easier as the schools already know me by that name and I prefer it to my maiden name, thanks ex at least I can keep that!
If the ex remarries I don't care I'll still keep my surname unless I get married again.

Hailtomyteeth · 29/01/2021 00:56

Ms.
I still use it. It's for 'female person'.
Vast numbers of MN people think it's for 'divorced female'. It's not.

I was a 'single parent' despite having been married for the first four years of my daughter's life. I wasn't reckless, selfish or free with my favours (as would have been the assumption forty years ago), I had a planned pregnancy but later me and the ex split up. So I was a 'single parent', as if I didn't know what a husband looked like.

The name, though... I took his name on marriage. When we split I wanted to change it but daughter wanted me to have the same name as her, so I kept it. Now, she's married, taking her husband's name. The ex is dead. I'm the only one left with the name! Changing back to my maiden name when it's over forty years since I was any kind of maiden seems a bit ridiculous. I might do it if I go back to ancestral areas, where my surname is part of the place name.

What am I saying? If you keep his name for the children, be ready to be stuck with it.

famousforwrongreason · 29/01/2021 01:25

@seensome

I don't like the labels either, women are given a hard time for never being married spinster or divorced, you can almost see people conjuring up the stories of why in their heads, single mum makes people assume you've never married and fathers probably not involved. I'm divorced but just prefer to be say I'm single and I'm a Ms (none of your business) I've kept my married name, easier as the schools already know me by that name and I prefer it to my maiden name, thanks ex at least I can keep that! If the ex remarries I don't care I'll still keep my surname unless I get married again.
Funny, I was always a Ms before I got married. I only really use the suffix if it's required when filling in forms. My 'maiden' name is also my mum's 'maiden name, in fact I'm at least fifth generation single parent (don't know any further than that as the family tree spans a complex and troubled history). Changing my surname back to my own and being different from my children felt like more of an egotistical act than a practical one. None of my friends or family ever seemed to believe in my marriage so anyone close to me has only ever called me by my original last name, whereas people who met me more recently only know me as my married name.
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