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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP true colours

12 replies

Trivialpursuitofhappiness · 28/01/2021 17:58

Going to try tell a long story with a small summary but don’t want to drip feed.

DP has always had a bit of a temper yet it was never directed at me. I knew he had messy relationships in the past. For some reason, despite me knowing this would probably come out in our relationship - I stayed.

Relationship goes on and the temper comes out a bit, once squared up to me, few other issues. Problem was I was becoming financially dependent on him which he offered and because of the pandemic and lack of help (I lost my job) I’ve ended up moving to new house with him.

I expressed my issue with it being ‘his’ house and he went on about how it was both of ours and he was doing it for me. Let’s me pick paint colours etc

Through so many ways since we’ve moved this week, I can see just how controlling he is. He reminds me I’d be homeless without him, that it’s him who feeds my pets and me, that he’s in charge.

I knew deep down this wasn’t a forever relationship and I want out so much but I’m now dependant on him and I know leaving would be worse. I just needed to vent

OP posts:
pog100 · 28/01/2021 18:03

It's just you? No kids? If so, just cut your losses and leave. You seem to need seeing everything clearly but the solution.

Trivialpursuitofhappiness · 28/01/2021 18:05

No kids no. I would leave if I could. But I’m totally financially reliant on this man. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or he just got lucky because of the pandemic but I’ve not a penny in my bank, UC goes next to nowhere and I’ve No alternative housing and no job. I’ve 2 pets that I couldn’t take to a shelter.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 28/01/2021 18:08

Where were you living before?
How quickly can you find work?
Any friends or relatives you could stay with?

RantyAnty · 28/01/2021 18:09

Do you have a car?

user194729573 · 28/01/2021 18:12

You can leave. It is about seeking help, accepting help, and forming a plan.

Life will not be worse, but he wants you to believe that.

Let people help you - contact Women's Aid.

nimbuscloud · 28/01/2021 18:17

Have you family that you can go to? What pets have you got?

autumnalrain · 28/01/2021 18:27

so he's using you as an emotional punching bag and you're using him for his money? This is only going to end in disaster.

What would you do if he wasn't around? You would have to survive somehow? Have you not got a family member or friend who could take you in? Womans aid? Local council or church that offer help?

StephenBelafonte · 28/01/2021 18:39

How old are you? Why can't you just get a job in care and then make plans to leave? What pets have you got?

CryingHelps · 28/01/2021 19:12

You took the easy way out in a difficult time and are now paying the price - we've all been there in one way or another so don't beat yourself up. What you need to do now is make an exit plan. Look at what benefits you'd get as a single person for a start. Look at jobs, there are still some out there - plenty of on-line picker jobs for example. Your pets, cats, dogs? I know I'd rather bite off my arm than give mine up. Start looking at animal welfare charities - maybe someone could temp look after them while you sort out more suitable accommodation.

If you don't do anything, nothing will change.

category12 · 28/01/2021 19:15

OP, it may be possible for you to have your pets fostered while you sort out a place to live and a job. www.womensaid.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Links_leaflet_Oct_2011.pdf In the SW there's Refuge4Pets, Dogs Trust are nationwide, etc.

Do you have any family or friends who could take you in temporarily or loan you a deposit? (Or take in your pets temporarily?)

You could look for a bedsit or shared house until you get on your feet. Get advice about whether you could get an advance on UC to get somewhere. Citizens Advice or Shelter should be able to advise.

You can also consider going into a refuge or presenting as homeless due to domestic abuse.

category12 · 28/01/2021 19:28

And if you aren't ready to actually make the leap, please make sure your contraception is bomb-proof.

wobblywinelover · 29/01/2021 19:20

Are you Ok OP?

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