How to say you are looking for something serious (online dating)

[Odiona]

So I’ve been online dating for a month now. I have in my profile that I’m interested in something meaningful. I am 33 and want marriage and kids. I usually ask men during conversation what they are looking for and their response is usually something like -Looking for connection and good vibe, but don’t wanna jump in serious relationship straight away (that’s been response I get most of the time ). What does it even mean?! I am not saying let’s get official after one date, but if I’m seeing someone I wanna know that if it goes well it could lead to marriage and kids. I seem to scare guys off .
How to express I want something serious potentially and what answer to look for? Does “good connection and let’s see” a good answer or it means hook up... so difficult this online dating

When are you asking them? Before the first date? If so I think you're coming across a bit too eager to get too serious too quickly. Honestly I don't think there's any point even discussing it before you've met and you think it's got potential to go somewhere.

I mean I discuss it during initial conversation...(not in detail just asking what are they after), because what is the point going on a date with someone who is just after hook up ..seems like guys don’t pay much attention to what’s written in profile (initially I thought it says on my profile so I don’t need to ask anything, but ended up on a date with guys who were after casual sex dating and just didn’t read my profile)

Say you are looking for a potential relationship, obviously you have to go on dates to know if they have that potential.
Avoid guys that say they are looking for fun, something casual and if they start being too sexual in chat.

I think be completely upfront and honest once you have met if the subject comes up. I’m 34 and meet someone in August I’m now living with. We were both honest about wanting to settle down/have a family very early on- although not until I knew I liked him and I did make it clear it had to be with the right person. Also, I was transparent from the 2nd date about my expectations regarding monogamy. He told me he was going on a first date with someone else from OLD that had been previously arranged before we met. I know we clicked and I could already tell there was a real connection, so I said that was fine but that I don't date people who are dating other people and I certainly don’t sleep with people who are sleeping around. He went on the date but told her he had meet someone he liked and wanted to pursue it. I’ve never previously been so upfront but I could tell he really liked me (he chased me from the start and talked about the future early on). I don’t think this method would always work but if it doesn’t what have you lost? The kind of men it will scare off are either not in to you anyway or don’t want anything serious- in which case, why would you want to waste your time with them? Better to find out early on before you get attached. What I’ve learnt from this is if you set your standards high and don’t compromise you might find someone who will rise to them.

I think it's fine to say you are looking for a relationship, but I wouldn't necessarily mention marriage or kids until you know them well enough to think things may be going somewhere.
I'm not a huge expert but have on-line dated a little. In my experience most guys don't even know themselves what they want - so mentioning marriage and kids in the early conversations might be scaring some of them off.
Just make it clear you are not looking for one off hook ups or FWB.

Well I don’t say I’m looking for marriage and kids. I usually say “I’m looking for a long term relationship if I meet the right person” still get the “oh I’m not sure I’m ready to be serious like that” quiet a lot ...confuses me this online dating

You never tell them you want something serious.
You simply just don't sleep with them straight away and don't do things for them, like cook meals. Just date.

“I’m looking for a long term relationship if I meet the right person” still get the “oh I’m not sure I’m ready to be serious like that” quiet a lot

Isn't that a good thing? Chap rules himself out so you don't need to waste more time on him? It would be worse if he agreed with you and was pretending.

Keep saying what you mean. OLD is a numbers game, by all accounts, so if what you're saying puts some guys off, it's all good. Let them wend on their way.

I think you're pitching it right, you're being honest and saying what you want without saying you want to be engaged in 3 months, married in 6.

I'm about your age and looking for same. It won't scare a man off if he wants a relationship, and if it does then good, because he obviously isn't ready for anything serious.

I think saying you’re looking for a relationship if you meet the right person is fine. You just happen to so far have exchanged messages with men who aren’t looking for that, which is also fine.

There seem to be plenty of men on dating sites who are looking for the same as you - I swipe left on loads of Tinder profiles because they say “Looking for Ms Right / want to find the one / not just here for casual / hoping to find something real / would like a family one day” and I’m not.

He went on the date but told her he had meet someone he liked and wanted to pursue it.

I’m really shocked by this . He actually went on a date with someone and told them on the date he’d already met someone he liked better? What an arsehole! He should have just cancelled instead of wasting the poor woman’s time.

OP it seems like your phrasing is fine, sometimes you’ve just got to wait for the right one to come along

@BooFuckingHoo2

He went on the date but told her he had meet someone he liked and wanted to pursue it.

I’m really shocked by this . He actually went on a date with someone and told them on the date he’d already met someone he liked better? What an arsehole! He should have just cancelled instead of wasting the poor woman’s time.

OP it seems like your phrasing is fine, sometimes you’ve just got to wait for the right one to come along

I wasn't impressed with that bit either! I was once in that woman's position, but in my case, the man had the decency to cancel the date with me. It felt shitty at the time, but it would have been miles worse if I'd made the effort of turning up for a date, only to be told I'd wasted my time.

OP, I'm not sure what OLD site you're using, but it's usually fairly clear from a man's profile if he's not in it for anything serious. Either it'll say so, or perhaps the bio won't have been filled in at all or there are no pictures. I think what you've said is fine. I agree with you that there's no point in going on a date and only finding out when you get there that your expectations are wildly mismatched.

I dont think it's too soon to say that you want a serious relationship.

I think it would he too soon to say you want one with them but you're not doing that and if you are looking for something serious and they are looking for a fling over lockdown then it's a waste of your time getting to know them.

People generally know whether they're up for a proper relationship or not.

Yes I suppose that would have been not nice for her. To be honest I selfishly hadn’t really thought about that before- but you’re right, that wasn’t the right thing to do. I think that it wasn’t meant maliciously though- she had organised a babysitter and I think he just felt bad about cancelling. To be fair he is a bit hapless and not always the most sensitive to other people’s emotions. But he’s right for me. I stand by my advice- if a man likes you you telling him you are looking for something serious won’t put him off at all. Unless you do it before you meet. In which case, it really will.