No sex drive at all

[namechangeagain]

I know this subject has probably been done to death, but I'm seriously down about things now. I've changed my name as I post on here and dh knows my name!

I have never had much of a sex drive, but now it is nowhere. I have 4 children - youngest about 18 months. When we do have sex I do have an orgasm and enjoy it. However I've lost all confidence and he does everything. I just want to get on with it and go to sleep. I still love him, but I don't look at him and think "I want sex".

He makes me feel abnormal and if I say it'll be better soon, I'm just tired - he reminds me that I've always been like this. I tend to say well you knew what I was like so don't blame me. At the moment we probably only have sex twice a month at the most. For him it is the most important aspect of a relationship. He is a wonderful father and man, but he makes me feel so crap that I'm not sex mad.In the past we've had hyperthetical talks about if someone doesn't want sex, can the partner go elsewhere for it. I couldn't cope with that and I 'm sure he wouldn't have an affair, but he made it sound so reasonable.

I really don't want to go to the docs as I can not talk about sex. We've just been away for a few days and are now hardly speaking because I didn't get in the mood whilst we were away. He huffs & puffs when we go to bed - I know this is his sexual frustration, but really winds me up. I've reached the point where I think we have to split up as I'm obviously not pleasing him.

Sorry this rambles on - help!

Mmm, may sound a bit obvious, but what about mornings? I can never be bothered to have sex at night after a long day, but in the mornings, feel a lot perkier!

The other thing is, I think a lot of people don't necessarily feel in the mood beforehand, but once you get going, iykwim, nature takes over and you become more enthusiastic! Sometimes I think you've just got to go for it whether you're in th emood or not and chances are after a few minutes, you will be.

Mornings are a big no no as the kids walk in any time from 5:30 am onwards! I think I have developed a sort of mental attitude of you want sex I don't, so I almost tell my head to rule my feelings even when we've started and then I just feel pi**ed off at the whole thing.

Get a bolt on the door and teach them to get their own cereal in the mornings.

Sorry that sounded really flippant but if sex is important to your dh (and it obviously is) then this is a problem that both of you have got to sort out before you end up splitting up.

As a divorce lawyer I see hundreds of couples who split up due to sexual problems, among other things and I really do think it's worth investing in doing whatever is necessary to get your marriage back on track, whether that's getting counselling from Relate or another couples counsellor.

I've had bouts of feeling like this (am in bit of a one now), where I really just can't be bothered and feel I have no libido at all. But I've adopted the Nike approach to sex, as in "Just Do It" (did I learn that on MN?) - and it is true that the more you just get on with it, the more you remember that actually it's quite fun and eventually the libido starts to return.

Hi,

Why can't you talk to someone like your GP about this problem or if not this person a sex therapist?. Is it out of a misplaced sense of shame or perceived embarrassment on your part?.
Soemtimes such attitudes stem from your own parents attitude towards sex - were you ever told or was it implied that sex was somehow "dirty", "what nice girls don't do" or "shameful"?.

I would urge you to talk with someone impartial; these sorts of problems are not all that uncommon. Its just not talked about readily.

You need to address this; infact both of you need support because this will not solve itself on its own.

The most important thing to remember is that neither of you is a bad person, either for wanting sex or not wanting it. THe problem is a mismatch in your sexual drives (this is not a gnder thing, there are just as many threads on here from women whose partners would rather go to sleep) and you need to work on a compromise. A good one in your sitation would probably be the 'days of the week' method where you agree that for 3 days a week, sex is not on the agenda, for 3 days a week it's OK to ask, for the 7th day it's only allowed for the less-lusty partner to initiate sex. THis often breaks the miserable deadlock of going to bed every night feeling hostile and resentful because you know your partner is going to ask for sex - or indeed refuse sex and look at you as though you are an evil depraved monster...

That seems like a good idea MadameZ.

I've always wanted to ask but been too shy - what exactly do you do in RL?

Irises - that made me laugh! They'd all be hammering on the door! I am not comfortable with the idea of sex if I can hear any of the children up & about. We've talked about my lack of sex drive so many times that we both adopt a defensive attitude as soon as we begin. Either that or I get very tearful. We're quite a stable couple as we dont really argue - he just gets huffy at lack of sex.

I'm really not sure about talking to Relate. We have discussed the idea before, but I have issues in my past that I don't want to talk about with someone else.

Hassled I do try with that way of thinking. We tried to set a day for sex, which worked for a while, but then I resented the idea that we were meant to have sex becuase it was Tuesday!

Irises (I'll be quick not wanting to hijack) I do lots of things but the probably relevatn one is that I have written for several sex-related mags over the years and always had full access to their research libraries

Sheesh, have you never heard of Ceebeebies in your house? OUrs were well trained never ever to come into our room unless the house was on fire

X-posts there. Madamez I like that idea. So 3 days a week he can ask. He doesn't like to ask because he has been knocked back so many times. I, of course, never initiate so we don't get very far. So he gets to ask and then not be huffy if, for example, I refuse all 3 times that week? Will I feel compelled on the 3rd day if I've refused the other 2? I have to look at the negatives you see!

Hi namechangeagain,

Re your comment:-
"I have issues in my past that I don't want to talk about with someone else".

Perhaps it is now time to address what happened to you.

Whatever those issues are they may be compounding the problem now or are coming back to haunt you.

Why not consider taking some of the power back, by not addressing these issues then "they" still have power over you. You cannot let this happen to you.

You only have one shot at this life.

Hah irises - alas dd1 want to watch CBeebies in our room! I really want to want to have sex, but I also think dh has unreasonable expectations, that I'll suddenly want it every day. We'll have sex one day and he'll say that was good let's do it again tomorrow. Or else he'll question me endlessly on whether I really enjoyed it or was I just saying it. I do really enjoy it and have never faked an orgasm I just need to shake off the can't be bothered feeling.

ATM - yes I know you're right, but I feel like I don't have the time to go there. I tried once before just after dh & I started going out and I turned into a wreck for a few months - poor bloke! If I say my issues dh will most definately recognise me.

The thing is, about the children, they've got to take a back seat for a tiny tiny percentage of the time, and your dh has got to take the front seat.

I've always taken the view that only if the marriage is right will the children be ok.

The think about the weekly rota, although it sounds clinical and weird, is that I think it could work if you want it to. If you go away for a few days again (I presume last time it was without the kids), not to put too fine a point on it, just give him a good shagging as soon as you get to the hotel to get it out of the way so you can both relax and enjoy yourselves, and who knows the next day you may want to do it again!

It was with the kids and was genuinely knackered after hectic days,but we did have our own room. You're all so right - thank you. I don't even know how to bring the subject up without him instantly being negative about it. The next 2 weeks he's out every evening until about 11pm - I'm usually asleep by then. I might give it a go tonight and then bring up this weekly thing tomorrow - he'll then be relaxed enough to talk about it!

I thikn he imagines every other couple is having sex 3 times a week or more and that I'm the only freak who doesn't want to.

"ATM - yes I know you're right, but I feel like I don't have the time to go there. I tried once before just after dh & I started going out and I turned into a wreck for a few months - poor bloke! If I say my issues dh will most definately recognise me".

My counsel to you - make the time and try counselling again. Don't let whatever happened to you continue to rule you because "they" still have power and control over you. It sounds like you tried some sort of counselling a long time ago. Counsellors are like shoes - you need to find a person that "fits". BACP (British Association for counselling and pyschotherapy) have a list of counsellors on their website.

Why is he out every night for the next two weeks - is this due to his job?. Being apart like this is certainly not condusive at all for a sex life.

Yes he is working - not just in the pub! I tried counselling about 12 years ago. I only went to one session. I spent an hour crying with a woman on the other side of the desk staring at me saying "Take your time". I hated it. I hardly said a Word as I couldn't stop the tears and felt it was waste of her time and mine. I have visited that website and searched for counsellors near me, but after not feeling comfortable with the last one I was very reluctant to try again. I don't feel like it rules me as I can type about it and think about it without geting upset, however when it come to talking about it I get very tearful .... I'm not good at talking at the best of times. I also have a hang up that what happened was insignificant due to an unfortunate comment from the first person i told (a boyfriend on our first attempt at sex).

I would say to you that counselling has moved on a fair bit in the last few years so I would urge you to give it another go now.

Your last experience re counselling was not actually a waste of her time and yours (initial sessions are actually often tearful) but I would urge you to try again now.

As I have mentioned already counsellors are like shoes - you need to find one that "fits".

As for your last paragraph that boyfriend's comment was thoughtless and insensitive and took no account of your feelings at the very least. You remember his comment still.

Whatever happened to you it was not insignificant at all, it has had an impact to this day. Don't let "them" win over you ultimately. Talking about it to a counsellot although painful will get it out in the open and ultimately give "them" less power and control. You don't want to let the past get in the way of your future or life now.

Namechange: for the 3 days a week thing to work you both have to play fair: he's not allowed to ask on the 'no sex' days but you are not allowed to be rude or sigh about refusing on the 'possible sex days'/ You don't have to have sex, but you have to accept that it's not a bad thing or a chore or a pressure for him to ask nicely on the 'possible sex' days.
Now obviously everyone is different, and it does look possible, from your posts, that you have issues around sex that are a bit more complicated than your partner wanting it more often than you do. If he stopped wanting to have sex - if his cock fell off or something - would you still want him to live in your house and be the closest person to you in the world? If the answer to that is 'no' then it's probable that the problem between you and him is not really about sex at all. If the answer is 'yes' then you need to consider either working out what it is about sex that you find distressing, or whether you can negotiate a way for him to address his sexual needs without obliging you to service them.
The best way of working through mismatched libidos is for both partners to be able to consider the likelihood that the lusty parnter will be having less sex than he/she considers ideal, and the reluctant partner will be having more sex than he/she would bother with if alone. If the idea of having sex at all* with your partner is off-putting, then there are wider issues to address.

I have a similar problem, I would really really like to have sex more often, but I don't feel like it, (too tired most of the time) but intellectually I know that when i do have sex I thoroughly enjoy it and feel re-charged afterwards.
You could try the cuddle aproach, for a specified number of days you enjoy cuddles and kisses and later a grope or two. then for a day or two heavy petting and mutul masterbation, then when you are ready go for the whole thing. If your husband is agreeable to this approach you may find that by the end of the week (or two) you are tearing his clothes off. This worked for me as I was feeling increasingly pressured (all in my own head) as I started thinking that the only reason he was cuddling was for sex so I was even pushing him away from that contact. By setting rules I felt more in control and found the passion again.
life has kicked our sex life into touch again (dh has rhumatoid arthritis) but we try whenever we can and still hold handsand tease each other as often as possible.

Thanks for all the replies. I actually initiated sex last night - he was rather surprised as it is something I never do. It was great. I felt more in control and not like he was pestering me. Had a long talk about the situation afterwards which was good.

He said he'd be happy with one shag a week which surprised me. He works a lot and he is exhausted too! However we have decided that for a while I'm going to initiate sex and I'm aimimg for twice a week - although I haven't told him that. Last night he was out until about 11pm working and I went for Hassled's advice of "Just do it"! I made my mind up that I would enjoy it from the start and it was fab.

I think I just have to be positive. He is then worried that I'm only having sex to keep him happy, which in a way I am. However, once we've started I do enjoy it.

OMGhelp - I know exactly what you mean about physical contact. I am always pulling back thinking "is this leading to sex?". I said last night I want more cuddles on the sofa and if I'm the one who's going to initiate sex then i kno that a cuddle doesn't have to lead there. It all sounds like I'm being a bit selfish with the "I'm going to initiate" but he was fine about it - probably quite likes the idea
Thanks again - I think just writing it down made me feel better about it!

Glad it's going okay! I agree it's good to keep your aims to yourself a bit - less pressure on you and helps you feel in control.

and I think that the more you have the more you will want so it may sort of self heal. also the less you have the less you want so it can be a vicious circle!