Marriage falling apart

[Nada3410]

Dear all,

I need some advice and support. I married my husband 10 years and moved from Canada to Uk to be with him 6 years ago. We have a teen (my daughter from last marriage) and 2 kids (7,2).

For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why we fought so much. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. But when I read about narcissism, he fit the description to the tee. He’s not full blown but that anything small can trigger his narcissism and if I don’t right away take control of the situation and don’t de-escalate his charges state, it ends up horrible with him verbally abusing me until I’m on the floor crying and begging him to stop and him carrying on.

He’s a very good father, good provider but outside of that he is very difficult to live with - for both me and my daughter who he completely ignores.

I know every logic says I need to get out. I’m miserable most times. He’s too psychologically damaged by things he’s been through.

But there’s something wrong with me. After being with him for nearly a decade, and him emotionally and psychologically abusing me, I feel he’s got in my head.

We had a huge fight 2 weeks ago and then each fight kept escalating. We have been separate now for 2 weeks, he’s sleeping downstairs and I upstairs. I asked him to work on us and after everything he’s put me through he’s the one telling me he wants separation and he’s indifferent to me and doesn’t give a shit about me.

In the past our understanding was that if we don’t work, I’ll go back to Canada where I have family - huge one. Here me and my kids have no one. But last night he said I can go without the kids which I don’t know is his way of keeping me here but also punishing me with indifference.

Because of lockdown we are home 24/7 and I keep going to his room - even though he mocks me for it! I just want him to leave to so I can recover but there’s something wrong with me that I keep going to his room , I just can’t accept that this is how it’s going to end. Oddly, when I trying to leave a week ago, he pulled me in emotionally and I decided to make it work but now he’s taken the control.

I need some advice. Some words that I’m not alone in this

Stop going to his room now; nothing good will come of doing this. he will continue to manipulate you as long as you and he reside under the same roof. Even when you are apart he will still remain this abusive, obstructive and difficult.

You got caught up with the narcissists idealise, devalue and discard relationship cycle. Now he has discarded you. It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist in any event.

He will keep putting you and your children through this as long as you allow him to do so. He indeed does not give a shit about either of you; only his own self. When he realised that you were finally indeed serious about going he merely manipulated you into staying and it worked. Of course he was going to take back control; that is what abuse is all about. Power and control and he wants absolute over you all here.

He is using the children here as a weapon against you and he is certainly not a good father to any of them (what made you write he is a good father anyway?. Women in poor relationships often write such guff when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man). The current arrangement is not working and is an extremely poor relationship model to be showing any children unfortunate enough to be seeing all this at first hand.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Have you sought legal advice to date; you need this urgently and with a view to divorcing him. He won't and indeed is not making any aspect of you separating from him at all easy. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid.