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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just need some honest help

13 replies

applesaregood91 · 28/01/2021 09:13

I've been with my partner for the best part of 18 months now and quite frankly, I feel stuck.

Long story short, before he met me, he was seeing another girl and for a very long time, was still talking to her even though I felt uncomfortable about this and asked as a reasonable adult that he stopped, as it was a little weird. (prior to him meeting me, they had discussed wedding venues/kids etc, even though they had only been on one date)

Moving on, and back in December he had a message from her on his phone. I confronted him about it as he'd told me a few months before that he had stopped talking to her completely. He said that he didn't realise she still had his number and deleted it but then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to leave because he couldn't deal with me doubting him all the time. I should have let him go but stupidly I begged him to stay because I thought I was being unreasonable.

Fast forward to this month and he is moody, grumpy, talking to me like I'm nothing, putting me down all the time and generally being quite difficult. When I confront him about it (in another argument) he says he wishes he had left back in December but only stayed because I begged him, despite telling me that he loves me all the time etc.

I've asked if he is genuinely happy in this relationship and he's said that he is but I don't believe him. He's blaming it on the lockdown but at 35 years old, I should hope that he would be able to deal with it like an adult, like the rest of us have too.

I guess I'm just confused by his behaviour, am I being unreasonable all the time or is there something going on his side?

I fear that I'm narcissistic or at least toxic but I don't know what to do. I've never been in a relationship so bad before. I like to think that I'm a genuine person but he's just not...

OP posts:
CaroleFuckingBaskin · 28/01/2021 09:16

Time to end this relationship and move on

partyatthepalace · 28/01/2021 09:35

Doesn’t sound like it’s working for either of you. Move on.

Spritesobright · 28/01/2021 19:15

It's not very obvious what's making you feel stuck. He wanted to leave, he's messaging another woman. Let it go now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2021 19:32

I've never been in a relationship so bad before.

End it then. That's reason enough. It's not working. It shouldn't be so issue ridden. It should require so many big talks and make or break moments.

And frankly the only thing more batshit than discussing wedding venues etc on a first date with someone is telling a future date that you did it.

It's over, move on so you both have the chance to meet people who don't make you unhappy and who will bring out the best in you.

seensome · 28/01/2021 19:47

He's acting like it doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and you could do better than a man messaging another woman and being grumpy, if you don't end it it's highly likely he will soon.

Itstimetoquit · 28/01/2021 22:18

It's sounds like the relationship is over for him,saying he with he had left! Let him go

StressedTired · 28/01/2021 22:31

He says he wishes he had left back in December, you say you've never been in a relationship so bad before.
This is not the right relationship for either of you, the best thing to do for both of your sakes is end it and move on.
Also, don't be tricked into thinking you are toxic for asking him not to chat to his ex! That's a perfectly reasonable request. But still, move on.

category12 · 28/01/2021 22:34

he is moody, grumpy, talking to me like I'm nothing, putting me down all the time and generally being quite difficult. When I confront him about it (in another argument) he says he wishes he had left back in December but only stayed because I begged him, despite telling me that he loves me all the time etc.

Come on now OP, what exactly are you stuck on? It's not working, it's awful, what are you dragging it out for? Call it quits.

Brucedens09 · 29/01/2021 03:12

This reply has been deleted

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Sunflower1970 · 29/01/2021 05:58

He wants out . Let him go asap

gannett · 29/01/2021 06:58

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault for a relationship not to be working. It sounds like neither of you are happy here - you don't need to assign blame to end it.

We've no idea of the nature of the messages he sent to his ex but IMO it's unreasonable to object to your partner staying in platonic contact with anyone of their choosing, including exes. That doesn't mean you're toxic, just that you've internalised some unhealthy social norms.

(prior to him meeting me, they had discussed wedding venues/kids etc, even though they had only been on one date)

This is odd though. Did they only ever go on one date? In which case they're not exactly exes, just two people who went on one date and it didn't work out. Are you sure they weren't discussing marriage/kids in the abstract? A lot of people in their 30s, especially women, do bring that up on the first date so as not to waste time with someone who isn't on the same page.

To me that sounds like those things were brought up in that context, they decided they weren't compatible - possibly because they weren't on the same page about marriage/kids - and thus didn't continue in a relationship, but still got on enough to stay in touch. Sounds normal to me. Why did you object to that?

ravenmum · 29/01/2021 07:20

they had discussed wedding venues/kids etc, even though they had only been on one date
Did your bf tell you this because it was such a bizarre subject to bring up on a first date? Was it a funny story about dating?

I have an ex (an actual ex, not just a date!) who occasionally sends me a message - e.g. for New Year's, or a reaction to a status on Whatsapp. Less and less as time goes by, but the odd message. This is an ex who once told me that he could imagine marrying me; he is a dreadful sweet-talker and I didn't believe it in the slightest, or want to marry him.
If my current bf saw one of these messages and was uncomfortable, I'd reassure him - but if he suggested I should cut off all contact with this guy, that would be a red flag to me. A few red flags of that type and I would indeed consider ending a relationship.

What I don't get is why your bf hasn't ended it yet. He's told you he wishes he'd ended it in December. This means he's unhappy, surely? I don't understand why you then asked if he was happy and he said yes. You also say this is a shit relationship, but you want to stay in it? How does any of this make any sense? Are you both just waiting for lockdown to end before you break up?

Itstimetoquit · 29/01/2021 17:32

How are you op x

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