I am the outsider of my family - it's getting worse

[TaurusMama]

Hi,

this lockdown has shown me a lot about the relationship i have with my immediate family, jealous mum who gossips at any opportunity, jealous older sister who compares and would love to see me fall, brother who has called me an outsider and since the first lockdown has cut all contact with me, mum and sister.. it's a very toxic family situation..

my mum has a lot of issues and although i think she tried and done her best as a single parent, i can't help but feel a massive undercurrent of tension..

since having my son, i am subtly implementing boundaries something i have never had or done, with anyone, ever!!

I am finally coming into my own but my family don't accept it, still treating me as the youngest (which I am) and not accepting my boundaries - e.g. sister wants to stay over with her son during lockdown, i've said not at the moment as me and DH had a chat and not too comfortable with it (no one else is) and we would be the ones liable for a fine.. not her!
now she has gone quiet, not in contact.. l've called and messaged and nothing..

my mum is resentful due to the so called 'nice life' i have with my DH and son... she just isn't ever happy for me. she lowers my self esteem and i suffer with anxiety from a young age.. she also tells my DH very embarrassing stories about when i was 10 years old and tried to overdose.. something i'd well and truly like to forget.

my family have never been there and always come to mine for dinner (to take take take) but rarely give me anything.. i've tried in the past, been growing up and since having my son have literally had zero help from either mum or sister.. so disappointing.. my eldest brother gave my sister £10k for her wedding and I got nothing (my DH has a good job) but that's beside the point.. my DH paid for everything (i was saving at the time in a shitty job but didn't have much)

my mum always compares my son and my sisters son in most of her sentences.. drives me up the wall..

i need to pull back i guess and accept that they really are selfish and don't seem to care much at all.. they love my son, but me, not so much..

Hi,
I am sorry you are being put through this when you have a young child and it's lockdown. you deserve some support. On the plus side - you're obviously really wise and astute and have worked out the family dynamics decades before most people do (took me until I was fifty!)

You have it right. They won't change. They will never give you the love and warmth you want. Focus on the dynamic within your own family and if it's a happy one, with your DH's family. If his parents are good grandparents, make them your priority. If his siblings are good aunties and uncles, focus on them.

Carrying on pulling back from them. You are not their meal ticket or the butt-end of their jokes and criticisms. Join the Stately Homes thread on here if you need support - they are so lovely. They kept me sane when I started questioning the appalling behaviour of my parents. Look up Grey Rock technique which is the way to deal with them: low contact, no emotional engagement, all info shared on your terms, all decisions made on your terms. It shouldn't have to be like that in a give and take family but it does with a dynamic like you have described.

Parents who are jealous of their children's 'nice life' are pathetic. I've had that - the sneers, the bitchy asides, the putdowns, the lack of invitation ot big family get togethers, being frozen out and then told you are difficult - the works. I used to play family bingo with it in my head to amuse myself - what psycho-game will it be this time? Now I don't bother so much. I adore my own family - my DH and my DSs and they are enough.

I feel for you because I have the same situation. My sister hasn’t babysat my kids once and has never spent any time with them. It’s all about them. I see other families spending time together and helping each other out and I just don’t have that. They just care about themselves. It’s very upsetting as I’d love a big warm family but I just don’t have it. My advice is to get counselling so you can talk it all out andget support for boundary setting. Focus on building supportive friendships.

@Labobo @Chiccie thank you both x