Really struggling. Is it me?

[toytastic]

I'm starting this thread as somewhere to record what is going on in my increasingly difficult relationship. He's constantly telling me that either that he is trying to change or it's my fault. It is all so frequent that it all blurs into one and I start to forget what has really happened / what I said and he's really got me questioning if in fact I'm the unreasonable one. I'm losing perspective and honestly feel like I'm going insane.

The latest incident is basically him shouting at me about everything he does for me (very little tbh) and telling me I don't love him. I'm exhausted by it.

How long have you been together ?Are you married ? Children ?
Do you live together, if so do you own/rent ?
Do either of you work ?

It's hard to love someone like that! As @DinosaurDiana says, what's your situation?

He's just phoned apologising for the latest outburst. We are married,own home, 4 children. He's really stressed at work (own business and covid has been a disaster). He has an alcohol problem although has cut down significantly since I told him I would divorce him if he kept drinking / taking coke. I believe him when he says he doesn't take cocaine any more - I found out about it as we had a visit from the police as his phone number had been found on a dealers phone. Shameful.

I just feel everything in his life needs someone to blame for (mainly me). If you met him he's lovely but he can be vile to me and the kids. I've got quite a strong personality so we end up arguing a lot as I won't just put up with it but it is so so draining. He has no patience.

When my mum died he went out the following night drinking and left me on my own with the kids. I find it hard to get past that.

He constantly asks me if I love him. Or asks me what is wrong (I've been home schooling 4 children on my own all day whilst my dad rings every 5 minutes wondering when I'm coming over to help him) and gets frustrated when I tell him I'm fine - that generally then turns into an argument.

I have to do dinner now but will set out a bit more background later.

I work too.

DO you love him? It sounds utterly exhausting and toxic, and such an environment can't be good for the children - how old are they?

It's probably not what you want to hear, but is it time to call it a day? Financially, what is your situation?

As for your dad - any siblings or are you the only one taking the strain - is he elderly, or just lonely? Might be time for a frank conversation along the lines of you having 4 children to homeschool and your time is limited.

toytastic

I would strongly urge you to commence divorce proceedings if you have not already done so. He is basically dragging you and in turn your children down with him into his pit. His drug and alcohol problems are deal breakers or should be. You have put up with this too at great cost to both you and your children; when are you going to say no more?. Where is your line in the sand here?.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that some people do have their own private based suspicions about him. Your "strong personality" (but you probably have poor boundaries and low self worth to boot) is seen merely as a further challenge to such a man to bring down.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model they should be seeing?. What are you getting out of this?.

Its abuse op.

If you find yourself feeling like you cant even think straight in a relationship - you are being abused.

He is angry when you say you are fine because he doesnt want you to feel fine.

He constantly asks you if you love him because abusers want us to be stuck proving our love/trust/loyalty or innocence. Probably so that we focus on ourselves and changing our behaviour so much that we arent paying attention to the fact that their behaviour is not ok.

He needs to blame someone for everything that goes wrong in his life because he is a narcissist that cannot take responsibility.

He went out drinking when your mum passed because he doesnt care about you. Infact, it may even have been to punish you for being sad and therefore giving your attention to something other than him.

You say its difficult to get over. WHY should you be trying to get over such cold heartless behaviour from him?

Why are you trying to appease him? He is vile. And I'm sorry but, he hates you. Look at his actions and you'll see they show this clearly.

He is an abuser and he will never change.

You say you are strong - then be strong and leave. You cant win by challenging him or changing your behaviour to appease him or any of that shit. Because it's his game and he will constantly make the rules and change the goal posts.

Get yourself and your kids away. Or they in turn will partner with abusers as the grow up. Break the cycle, stop playing his game - run.

Sounds like a break from each other would be really good. Hard to get clarity or perspective when you're locked down 24/7.

I realise that's probably not feasible atm.

I agree, sounds like you need a break from him.
I have to say that the coke thing on its own would have me packing his bags.
You’ve got several reasons already if you ever want to end it 💐