I just feel stupid and pathetic.

[Herefortheadvice86]

I was with my ex for 13yrs from childhood. We recently split last year. I thought we were working things out but apparently not. I know I need to let it go but it's so hard. I've forgiven so much even him getting someone else pregnant a few years ago (they agreed to a termination he made it very clear that he didn't want the child but she didn't go through with it completely her choice and told him when she was 4months pregnant we were already back together at this point she moved away completely cut contact) amongst other things which I won't say.

I feel so stupid to feel like I can't let go. Like why am I so stupidly in love? We have children together and I feel like I've let them down. I'm also desperately lonely but I miss him so much I really wanted to marry this guy he has said he's not saying he never wants to be with me but he can't right now. I can't cut him off completely as we have kids I still do things to help him and just feel so stupid to even still be there. Why am I so pathetic? Why am I so desperate? I honestly don't want to be with anyone else and I guess the reality that I'll spend my life alone is extremely sad. I know I will come round to the idea that I'll be alone and I will get past it but the heartbreak is just so raw and real I don't know what to do. Someone tell me I'm being stupid to feel like this.

Anyone? I feel like I just want to get in a dark corner and hide but I can't as I have children to think of and can't afford to fall into a deep depression.

From what you said about him he is doing you a favour. You can find someone a million times better who would not cheat on you and get someone else pregnant, I don't know how you forgave that. Cut contact with him unless absolutely necessary about the children. Do not do anything to help him out and don't ask him to help you out. You can manage on your own two feet and once you realise this you will be open to finding someone else and being happy. You won't be alone forever.

Hi OP so sorry he has done this to you and your kids. Tbh it sounds like you have become co dependant. You have forgiven things that shouldn't be forgiven and it's enabled him. If you were married he would have broken a sacred vow. Your children need a better role model. Ask yourself why do you think you deserve to be treated with such disrespect yet you do everything you can to help him? I think you lasted 13 years because you did the leg work and He got an easy ride. Your life will improve without a cheater xxx

Please don't put yourself down. He did this to you and you were being loyal. You can hold your head up he needs to hang his head in shame. It is hard to leave someone you love but one sided love isn't enough. You are strong, you can do this xxx

So he's a crap cheating partner and a crap dad, you can do so much better than this!

It's very early days do it's completely understandable that you can't imagine a good life without him 13 years you have been bending your life out of shape around this user. It will take a while to stand straight and tall again, and be uncomfortable and painful sometimes, but do this fir yourself and your children. Don't be hard on yourself, but do be patient and don't give up and get sucked back in. Wean yourself off yhe false hope you are giving yourself by helping him. You are effectively trying to buy him back. Have pride, have patience, and aim to walk tall without him. You will get there in time.

You’re grieving for the man you wanted to have, the family you imagined you’d have, and the decent, loving, respectful and responsible father you thought he was going to be.

However, those things are figments of your imagination. You haven’t lost anything, because you never had it to begin with.

You don’t know anything else, that’s why the alternative scares you so much. But you’ve got the resources you need, inside yourself - you just need to learn how to access them.

You really won’t be alone forever (unless, in time, you decide you prefer it that way), so don’t despair about that. You also won’t want him forever - that’s just a habit your mind is in because it’s all you’ve known for so long. In time you’ll realise that he’s a shitty man, a shitty life partner and a shitty father, and you’ll be relieved that he’s no longer your problem.

But you need to be brave and rip the plaster off now.

Also, you certainly haven’t let down your children. You didn’t cheat, did you? Nor did you do all the other things he did. He let them down, he caused this, and he should take the blame. Stop beating yourself up for having standards and demonstrating that to your children.

Thank you all. I think I have become co dependant on him I had a crap life growing up and really thought I'd have a good future and family just feel like a failure. Some days I feel so strong and like I can do this but that's followed by days on end of this deep pain. I have spoken to my doctor who has suggested anti depressants but not sure if I can.

I have given him everything I was loyal and honest and stood by him in his times of need to I just feel like I've been used which makes it even worse that I'm still so in love with him when I know I should be happy it's over.

If you have a splitting headache, do your bang your head against a wall to try and make it better? I'm guessing not.

So calling yourself names and putting yourself down because you're in emotional distress is the same. You're hurting yourself more when what you need is kindness.

You're attached, you're bonded, and you're grieving the loss of that attachment and the loss of the hopes you had for the future. It's normal and it's survivable.

Stop doing things for him. You're making this harder for yourself.

You can't be older than early 30s. You've probably got another 50 years of life ahead and I doubt you can accurately predict the future.

While you're enmeshed in dysfunctional situation there is no space for you to heal and no space for you to build new relationships with people. How can anyone connect with you when you're mentally and physically chasing the past? I don't believe that if you healed, that you would spend the next 5 decades with no meaningful or valuable human relationships. I just don't.

The Freedom Programme course might help you get some perspective back about how you deserve to be treated. Emotional support to help you learn better ways to respond to yourself than bashing your head against a wall might also help.

I would take the anti depressants for now - you need to be as strong as possible for your children, and they will hopefully help you to feel less low.

Yes, you were used. That can be really hard to cope with. But don’t be sad. Be angry, and use that anger to galvanise you.

You’re not in love with him. Your mind just doesn’t know any better.

Think about it this way - you have the building blocks to make that life you want. But it doesn’t include him.

Slowly the days will get better, and you’ll have less of the awful days.

@Herefortheadvice86

Thank you all. I think I have become co dependant on him I had a crap life growing up and really thought I'd have a good future and family just feel like a failure. Some days I feel so strong and like I can do this but that's followed by days on end of this deep pain. I have spoken to my doctor who has suggested anti depressants but not sure if I can.

So you're grieving the loss of those dreams. Of course it's painful. In the context of your life it sounds a hard loss to bear.

But you can.

The hope and happiness comes when you've grieved.

Have you looked at self-referring for CBT or other psychological support?

Antidepressants might be useful to take the edge off the distress but they won't fix your attachment patterns, the way you talk to yourself, the way you experience and interact with the world.

Some days I feel so strong and like I can do this but that's followed by days on end of this deep pain.

It can be helpful to remind yourself on the painful days that they are not going to last forever. The days of feeling strong don't last forever and nor do the days of pain - emotions tend to come in waves so it's about caring for yourself until they change again.

Yes I'll be 30 in a few months. I understand I'm probably being silly to say I don't want anyone else but I was so guarded before we met I didn't even believe in love he broke down my walls and I was so open more open than I've been with anyone else. I don't want to do this all again I don't want to put myself at risk of this pain.

I know I need to completely let go and learn to love myself and not put myself down I just don't see how anyone would want me. I just feel so ashamed to be feeling this way.

You were young, possibly traumatised from your childhood, and he came along as someone who felt like he was going to rescue you, give you the happy life you'd wished for for so long, and love you when nobody had?

Was that sort of how it felt?

@user194729573

You were young, possibly traumatised from your childhood, and he came along as someone who felt like he was going to rescue you, give you the happy life you'd wished for for so long, and love you when nobody had?

Was that sort of how it felt?

To a fair degree yes. I was so cautious in the beginning didn't get too close pushed him away incase I got to close but he persisted and here I am just broken all over again.

You don’t know anything other than being in a relationship with him. It’s going to take time but one day you will realise that this was the best thing that ever happened to you. You’re not destined to be alone, you will recover and you will move on. He is not a good man or a good partner and you can be so much happier without him, whether that’s single or with someone else. I hope you find a good relationship so that you can see how awful this was. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

If that's the context then it will be really heightening how painful this feels right now.

But things can change.

If you feel up to it, Pete Walker's book on complex PTSD might help you to start processing things and moving forward. I wouldn't suggest trying to read it all in one go, but dipping into it as you feel able.

I suspect the feelings of shame and despair are largely coming from being traumatised. That can be healed and you will feel differently one day.

@herefortheadvice86 I'm going through a breakup after 12 years,we have a son,it's tough but it gets better,feel free to message me x