How does your DH behave in tough situations?

[Whoskaren]

Mine seems to just plod along doing the same old things, the same routines without hardly at all changing his behaviour to meet the needs of the situation.

At the moment, DCs are poorly and aren't sleeping well at all. I'm getting 4-5 hours sleep a night at most. He however continues going to bed at midnight, whilst I'm in bed by 9pm, then sleeps through it all. This morning, after I was up with DCs during the night, he puts the light on and starts messing with his phone in bed whilst I'm trying to grab a bit more sleep. I swore at him in sheer exhaustion and frustration and he says "it's time to get up now anyway."

No, no it's not. It is for him because HE has to go to work, I don't, the DCs aren't going to school, but he doesn't consider any of this at all.

When our DCs were babies, for the first 18 months, I hated him. He couldn't adjust his life to fit around them at all.

The night before last, he slept in DCs room as she was awake coughing all night. He still failed to give her a drink, offer her inhaler, managing to sleep through all the coughing and it was still me getting up to them.

When a very close family member of mine died, he again, continued his plans to go away for the weekend a few days after he died, leaving me grieving with DC to take care of.

We can get on quite well and he can be helpful and he definitely does his fair share of the chores. But anything that falls outside of his day to day routines, he is incapable of adjusting to. I've accused him of being irresponsible and uncaring this morning. I'm ridiculously tired though.

I'm intrigued as to how others DHs behave in similar situations? Something to compare to would be helpful I think.

Is there a risk you are overreacting to things and he offers balance?

How old is the coughing child he slept with? Can they not prod him and ask? We’re they coughing in their sleep and, if so, why wake them? Were they distressed? If not, what was the problem?

Perhaps he comes from school of thought that over fussing takes away self determination from children and increases their stress and anxiety levels?

Going away a few days after someone died I wouldn’t necessarily see as a problem either. It would depend how close they were, the circumstances and whether you had logistical things to deal with such as house clearing.

We are a bit the other way around. My husband has a tendency to be over helpful and over involved in minor issues. He fusses and frets about the children and always has; it’s not healthy for him and not healthy for them. Slightest issue arises and he rushes in to solve it instead of letting them determine their own coping mechanisms.

A balance to be had.

To answer your question my dh would change his routine, he would know I'd been up all night and tiptoe around and being me a cuppa in bed if I wanted it.

When my Mum died he wouldn't allow me to drive to see my Dad as I was upset, so he drove me to their house, 4 hrs away and drove home the same day as he had to go to work and look after my dc (from a previous marriage)

He's my second husband and I learnt a lot from my first dh about what I would, and more imo or wouldn't put up with in a relationship.

The thing I don't read in your post is if you talk to your dh about it. There's a big difference between soldiering on in a relationship, and talking to your dh and him ignoring your situation and him just plodding on.

Oh yes, lots of talking and getting annoyed about it. He just seems to plod on regardless. It's difficult to get him to alter his habits at all. Once he is in a habit of doing something (like cleaning together on Saturday mornings) he's fine and very reliable.

It's as soon as life throws us a spanner, he seems to pretend it's not happening, or even, just doesn't see anything else outside his normal routines.

I'm also working today (from home) and homeschooling so hardly like he needs more sleep than me either.

DC was coughing to the point of throwing up so no @CherryRoulade definitely not overreacting. Perhaps you're seeing your own situation in mine?

He needs to be told what I need. A detailed discussion needs to happen or I need to prepare for upcoming disappointment. The discussions help me manage my expectations and find out why he won’t be able to do x or y. But he then puts extra effort in other things or arrange for someone else to help with it.

I got up multiple times a night with my children (feeds etc) from the day they came home from hospital right up until today, 4 years later, and I still do it, and I work full time. I probably do too much but I love to do it as I love being a dad. Spent many many many nights up all night trying to get my children to sleep. I wouldn't change it. and Yes I still went to work and did my job.

he needs a wake up call......

DC was coughing to the point of throwing up so no @CherryRoulade definitely not overreacting. Perhaps you're seeing your own situation in mine?

No, not at all, but wondering why the child didn’t wake the parent in their room? There are usually several perspectives to most stories and consideration of other possibilities is often enlightening.

@notnowokay I guess its positive that he's honest with you about what he can't do. Mine will say that he'll do x, y and z but then doesn't anyway, regardless of what we've talked about. He doesn't correlate his words and actions or then reflect that he hasn't combined the two. It's exhausting having to state absolutely everything isn't it.

I agree it is very exhausting and sometimes feels like I’m in the mother role.

The sticking to routines is interesting. Could your DH be on the autistic spectrum? It's a spectrum so he could have relatively very "mild" autistic traits

My dh lacks empathy at all. He cannot deal with stressful situations. I deal with everything. I’m used to it. Sometimes it really fucks me off, I’m now resigned to it.
He’s a creature of habit.

My dh's first reaction to anything is to overeact, but he had tried to change. I've often wondered if he's autistic. Things have to be a certain way, he plods along in his own little world, he used to have no empathy, but he's almost retrained himself.

I have to sit him down and calmly explain how is behaviour affects me/kids. Sometimes it ends well, other times it ends with him telling me that I'll never have anyone as good as him. It depends

It is frustrating and sometimes very difficult. I've loads of examples of things that he's done and when you mention it to the others they think that it's all very odd behaviour.

When the kids were really young, it was much harder and I did question what I was doing with him. I've realised that it's been harder for him to adjust than for me because of how he is.

We still argue, sometimes I'm too tired to deal with his ways and tell him to f off - and usually he does as he's takes things literally.

I've often thought mine has aspergers or ADHD.
Interesting to hear other's similar experiences.
It's a bit shit when you realise you've married a bit of a twat isn't it?

He responds in a way he finds helpful for dealing with stressful situations, rather than necessarily what I would find helpful. So, I have to communicate what I need. Likewise, my responses to situations are sometimes frustrating to him, and he needs to explain what he needs. As a result, we tend to ask each other how we can help when a situation crops up or something happens where we’re unsure of what’s needed. This works really well for us.

The situations you’re describing don’t really sound like that, though. When you have unwell children caring for them should be intuitive; when somebody you love has a bereavement, you support them. I don’t think this is about your DH not knowing how to behave in tough situations or having a different approach to you: I think he knows quite well, but just doesn’t care to put himself out to do it.