How not to get back into a relationship even when you want to

[unim]

Think I need a handhold here. Long time poster but NC as I'm really embarrassed by my situation (and probably recognisable to RL friends who must think I am a complete mug by now).

I've just ended a relationship with the father of my two children. On one hand he's never actually lived with us and our relationship has been very sporadic, unreliable and uncommitted (on his part), and he's a serial concealer - doesn't actually lie but withdraws totally when uncomfortable. On the other hand, I really do/did love him despite all his flaws, he's the father of my children (first one unplanned, second one not a surprise to either of us but I always understood that I was doing it on my own) and I really liked us feeling close and like a family while we were together, and we've been on and off for over ten years which is a long time despite it being very off and on. I have dated a little bit while I've been single during that period but haven't formed any sort of other meaningful relationship (probably because I am so hung up on him but also because dating is shit and I no longer trust my judgement).

He is good about paying child maintenance (above what he has to) and okay about keeping in touch with the children but in a fairly minimal way, almost more like he is an uncle than a father. He has never had them overnight for example. He travels significantly for work (still) and is rarely in one place for long.

Anyway, two weeks ago I told him I couldn't continue with this and that I needed to end things. I made it really clear (which I haven't previously) that what we have isn't enough for me and is preventing me from living a fuller life and that I want to finish for good and move on.

But I find it really hard, I miss him, and I find it scary and lonely to be single. I also can't totally break contact with him, because I still need to enable his contact with the children. I do feel like this pandemic could be good for us and that I finally have the chance to break this cycle if I am strong. The two DC and I are isolating with my mother who is my support bubble and we haven't seen him since mid-December anyway and won't have the opportunity until schools go back and we can return home.

Please help me not to go back. I really need a handhold while i do this. It's a terrible non-relationship, I've been caught in this cycle far too many times now, and it just needs to stop so I can recover my lost self-esteem and backbone and get 'unstuck' from him and maybe make space in my life for a healthy relationship in the future. He will never change and he will never be ready for a real committed relationship with me.

Best tips for how to stay strong and focused on the future I want? I feel like a wobbly lonely mess.

I felt really positive and determined for the first two weeks but today I've just felt really sad and hopeless.

Oh OP! I'm so sorry. This is a horrible situation.

I can't really help, I'm afraid, as I'm in a really similar situation. I feel more pathetic and useless as I don't even have children with my ex. He has just been a fixture in my life (first as a friend) for 15 years and now I can't shake him off.

We were together for 5 years and had a relationship that sounds like yours. He would make noises about committing, but never did anything about it. He did things like buy a house for us to share - big enough for my DC and his - but he couldn't ever take the plunge a commit.

He ended up dumping me for someone else.

That didn't last very long at all - and he never cut contact for more than a couple of days. I allowed it because I love him so much and missed him.

Now we're two years on and talk every day. He says he loves me. We have sex still (not right now, though, obviously), but he is still a mess and unable to make any sort of decision. He had a lot of therapy that really helped him to unpack his issues and I thought there was some hope that he would feel more able to realise what he wants, but he gave up too soon as he said all it was doing was giving him more reasons why he's an arsehole and more sticks to beat himself with.

So I am still here. Unable to move on despite trying to date.

Still desperately in love with him. Still hoping it will come good in the end while knowing with my logical head that it just never will and he'll be off as soon as the next woman shows him any interest (although he'll want to keep me on the back burner anyway).

This is miserable. Like eternal limbo.

I'm sorry.

Someone needs to come on and sort us both out. I think I need a good kicking.

I'm in no way an expert, but I would suggest some form of therapy for you to recognize patterns, get self-esteem and learn to put in boundaries. If you can afford it that is. If not perhaps search online.

When you feel better can you write a list of why to stay away, and read it when having a wobble? You owe yourself more than this non-relationship, remember that .

(he sounds as if he could have several long-term relationships going at the same time).

Stay strong .

he's a serial concealer - doesn't actually lie but withdraws totally when uncomfortable.

Mine does this too.

It came up in one of our hundreds of night-long post-mortem conversations.

He lied by omission about things all the time. Not even important things a lot of the time, but sometimes they were.

Like the woman he left me for.

He maintained until about 6 months after we split that he hadn't done anything wrong at all - as there was no overlap.

But I know he was seeing her and talking to her lots in the last few months we were together. He even had her round to the house. But I didn't even know she existed.

'I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you.'

Except you told me what your colleagues were talking about at work, what you had for lunch, how long it took to travel to work. So why did that detail of your day go unmentioned?!

He admits it's the same as lying now, but that argument went on for ages until his therapist made him see sense with a bit of careful questioning.

I would add that I'm a total failure in this situation.

I put my big girl pants on at one stage and blocked him completely. I held out for 3 weeks, then missed him too much.

I actually made a conscious decision then (to my absolute shame) that I would take his scraps and not push for anything more.

And I've been living like this for 2. Whole. Years.

Sorry. I've totally come onto your thread and said 'me, me, me.'

I just get it - and if anyone has any good advice for you, I will read it too.

I'll stop derailing now!

You need to learn to value yourself, you matter, you're the most important person apart from your children in your life. If you don't put a high price on yourself nobody else will.
I don't know why you're saying it's scary to be single and lonely. You've always been single, nothing has changed. You've just realised that your dream isn't going to happen.
Maybe try thinking about why you really do love him, what is lovable about him? Try and take some time to think about what you want and deserve.

Thank you for this. I'm so sorry that it resonates with other people. I guess it's less uncommon than I realised.

Yes, I do think that therapy would be helpful. I have contacted the psychotherapist who I saw some time ago, briefly, with whom I talked about some of this.

It's not really the same pattern I've experienced in other relationships but I've had two other long-term relationships that I left as they weren't right for me, but I stayed in them for years before leaving too.

I guess the fear at the back of my mind is that I am being unreasonable or overly idealistic about what I want in a relationship. I have now done this three times. What if there really isn't anything perfect and the problem is that I am too unrealistic? Also, dating as a parent is really hard. I am scared that I will never meet anyone else. I really love having sex and companionship and I get a lot of happiness from my time together with another grown up who I love and who loves me. So I do feel that being single isn't an option that makes me happy. Maybe I will explore why that is with a therapist, but also I don't think it's unreasonable or weird to like and want those things, and the prospect of not finding them in future is scary!

I really did love him and it was so great when we were together. Amazing sex, generally really enjoyed each other's company, feeling on a similar page with values, priorities and parenting.

But then, I don't think it really is unrealistic to want to be with a partner who can commit to a consistent relationship and actually definitely wants a future together :-(

I do think I deserve that. But it's hard.

When you are tempted just ask yourself - do my children deserve to be treated this way by him ?

It's funny you should say that @MrsWindass - the thing that has really motivated me this time is the desire to show my children that this isn't an okay way to be treated in a relationship. I wouldn't want them to do what I've been doing.

They are 3 and 7.

He is quite consistent in his contact with them, whether we are together as a couple or not (eg he will still stay over in our spare bed and do the school runs while he is in between trips), and committed to maintaining it at the same level.

Honestly it is not great though. He has never told his parents about us (me or the kids) which is also something I am extremely unhappy about. He is from another culture and religiously observant which I think influences this but doesn't excuse it. He is older than me and has already had a first family with children who are grown up. So, I know he is able to commit when he wants to. But, he has also been clear that that part of his life is over and that he is in a different phase where he does not want a second family or indeed any committed relationship it seems. He has lost contact with the (now grown up) children of his first family since his first wife remarried and moved back to their country of origin, which I know was a huge blow for him and maybe influences his fear of commitment.

He seems really upset but at the same time he also hasn't suggested that he would prefer a more serious relationship rather than losing me altogether, so although I have done the dumping I also feel he has made a decision through his inaction.

I think one really important thing to recognise is that although you'll have better days you will have low days. So have a plan for caring for yourself.

There is a grieving process to go through here - we grieve for things even when they weren't good for us and we miss things that have been familiar even when they were awful. And we grieve for hopes and dreams that have been taken away.

So, the low days, the painful moments, the grieving, the loss-averse "what if" panics (human nature, not a sign of a genuine mistake) - those are all normal and expected. They are also temporary and survivable.

These emotions don't mean you made a mistake, they mean you're human.

My situation was different, of course, but I found the first 3-4 months the toughest. I have seen many women leaving abusive relationships have a major wobble around the 3 month point - you have enough distance for the worst of the relationship to feel less raw/real but you're still grieving the future you wanted to have with them.

Being kind and gentle to yourself are important. A journal can help you to manage the feelings and keep yourself on track. A post it note on the mirror or wherever reminding yourself that you're doing the right thing can help. Talking to people helps. Having switched on, supportive people around you helps.

It's just about finding the best ways to be supportive to yourself and enable you to succeed.

Thank you, those are such good suggestions. I'm definitely going to start journalling again and put some quotes up on my wall that resonate with me about why I'm doing this.

I feel like I'm grieving for something that was never really there but which I always wanted.

That's a good way of putting it. I like the idea of choosing some quotes to put on the wall.

I hope things start feeling a bit easier for you soon.

Generally I've been ok but today just felt really low.

Feeling quite hopeless about ever being able to meet somebody else. It feels really hard with children, with a pandemic and lockdown. Maybe I have just condemned myself to years of being single!

It's normal to have tougher and more despairing days. Doesn't mean you've condemned yourself to anything. Things will look different once you've healed.

Be kind to yourself.

I think for me it was accepting I won't feel great for a while. I am definitely having more good days than bad days after about 6 months. As low contact as possible. Once he was out of my life there was energy I could direct elsewhere and passed an exam so if there is anything like that it could help you. It also helped to make a list of all the times I had been really hurt by him. Also just the realisation that I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste any more time with emotionally unavailable men. Working on self esteem and intimacy issues. Also in the past the times I did go back I really noticed that it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I had to bend myself out of shape completely to cater to him and it felt wrong to get so far on the journey to self love then go back to the pain. When i had spent some time being kind to me and not putting him first it felt wrong in my gut to let him back in to hurt me. Like he knew I was hurting and chose to continue being selfish . Feelings take time to pass. You will feel better.

I made myself be busy busy but that's going to be hard to do at the moment

@moirarosebabay

I think for me it was accepting I won't feel great for a while. I am definitely having more good days than bad days after about 6 months. As low contact as possible. Once he was out of my life there was energy I could direct elsewhere and passed an exam so if there is anything like that it could help you. It also helped to make a list of all the times I had been really hurt by him. Also just the realisation that I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste any more time with emotionally unavailable men. Working on self esteem and intimacy issues. Also in the past the times I did go back I really noticed that it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I had to bend myself out of shape completely to cater to him and it felt wrong to get so far on the journey to self love then go back to the pain. When i had spent some time being kind to me and not putting him first it felt wrong in my gut to let him back in to hurt me. Like he knew I was hurting and chose to continue being selfish . Feelings take time to pass. You will feel better.

Thank you, this is really helpful advice about directing energy elsewhere.

I think when I have come out of other relationships in the past I have always busied myself with finding the next relationship. Maybe a bit too quickly! I can't do that this time (probably a good thing).

I relate to so much of how you describe bending oneself out of shape in order to fit into a relationship (and the other person accepting that as normal) :-(

@stuckinatrap I'm so sorry you've been in what sounds like a very similar situation. I really do understand and I hope you gather the courage to take care of yourself in the best possible way.

@user194729573 The idea of quotes has been really helpful. I'm writing them down. It's weird, I keep seeing things that just seem to be talking to me directly! (Rumi: "Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in a different form.")

Also, from the second book of Anne of Green Gables: "Miss Lavender drove away from the old life of dreams and make-believes to a fuller life of realities in the busy life beyond."

Finding it so hard not to message him and tell him that I miss him.

He has totally cut off from me. He video calls the children about once every five days now rather than every day. I guess I understand, but it is hard.

Write a list of all the crappy things he has done. Find your anger. What sort of a father never has his kids overnight?! The feelings you are having will pass and once you've gone through them you don't have to experience them again. Once you come out of this bit you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. I am so at peace being single at the moment but it's taken time to get here. I wish for the same peace for you. You said you were embarrassed to speak to friends and family about it-would speaking to them now help do you think?

Hold the faith. Missing him is a temporary emotion, it will pass. You will adjust, you will cope, you will survive.

Remember those quotes you chose - they still hold true. They were well chosen.

I wrote him a really long message today about why I dumped him and how it wasn't because I didn't love him but because he couldn't commit. It was a stupid thing to do. I think I do just miss him and want to be in touch. He said that he wasn't upset with me and that although he was hurting he knew I had taken an important step. Like, wtf? I dumped you and you can still make me feel so... dumped?