Struggling with relationship after baby

[Tiredmum195]

Hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone else has struggled with their relationship with dh/dp after having a baby? This is our first baby (dd is nearly 3 months) and I’m feeling really quite upset... I feel like our relationship was great before she was in our lives and now we have no time for each other etc and feel like she is very demanding. God I sound like a selfish cow but part of me was happier without her.... I feel bad for saying that. I genuinely feel pushed aside because of dd and that’s all dh cares about now. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP this is completely normal! Hopefully soon your baby will start getting a bit easier, sleeping better etc and you and your DH will be able to reconnect.

@HappyFlamingo thanks. I’m just concerned that having our dd is just bringing up old issues and highlighting the fact we have nothing much in common

About 3 months into having DD I realised that all we talked about was her- what feeds she'd have overnight..had she done a poo recently..how can we get her to sleep..what did the health visitor say.. it was quite sad because when I mentioned this to DP he wasn't fussed by it and the lack of us time, he didn't really see the need to maintain our relationship kind of independently of her. Is your partner like that? It's got a bit better since she started going to bed of an evening and we regained some time to ourselves.

Just read your update..I feel exactly this! This is why my DP doesn't care as much as I do about the lack of relationship, because he doesn't need as much from a relationship as I do and he isn't very chatty. Since having a baby this seems to bother me more than before and makes me lonely. I think being home with a baby is pretty isolating anyway, especially at the moment and you don't get any stimulation other than interacting with your partner so it's easy to start feeling dissatisfied with the relationship.

@Esmeralda1988 your dp sounds like my dh - also not very chatty... I can literally get to the end of the week and think what have we actually talked about apart from mundane things like what to have for dinner and baby related talk. I feel incredibly lonely even more so because of the current lockdown.

I'm sorry it's really hard without any other things in life to talk about like work, where you went today, what so and so said. I realise now I used to just witter on essentially to myself whilst DP half listened and said 'oh' or 'yeah?' now and again but because I had interaction all day at work I didnt find this such an issue. Now I just think he's a boring prick if I'm honest. It's really frustrating constantly trying to get something back from him. How is your partner with the baby?

@Esmeralda1988 yeah I understand how you feel although unfortunately I’m self employed so never get any interaction at work. I ask him how work was and all I get is good... he’s good with baby but I feel like he prefers her to me

Have you been able to talk to him about how you're feeling? I think as a mum you lose so much more of yourself than dads do.

I remember saying to DH when DD was born that i felt like we hadn't had any time for each other. He felt similarly, but his response to me was that it was just a phase, and we'd get ourselves and our relationship back bit by bit as she grew, and he was right. By the time she was 5m she was going to bed at 7pm and we had our evenings back. Now, 14m in, our relationship is almost completely as it was. Babies are hard work. But they grow!

I could have wrote this! Just had my second baby and relationships just been crap with DH since, every little thing he does irritates me, always a competition who's most tired, comes in from work and sit on phone or goes to bed when I want to chat as I've been stuck in all day. Only thing I will say is this also happened after my first and we did get back to being us (just in time for number 2 to arrive haha) I remember reading something one time saying divorce shouldn't be allowed in the first year after a baby is born and I think it rings true. Life's been completely tipped upside down and takes a while to find the new normal. In the meantime suppose I'll just have to resist the urge to smother him in the night while he's snoring and I'm doing the night feeds haha. X

My DS is just 3 months old too and my relationship with DH is definitely different but I just see it as a phase and everyone is saying similar on this thread so I hope that's reassuring!
@Minnie6078 - I havent quite got so far as wanting to smother him but I did call my DH a dickhead at 4am one morning when his snoring stirred the baby

Wish I could give you hug OP!!! I've been there and I know how you feel! I felt like a terrible person thinking "my God, what have we done" a couple of months into having DD, simply because the change that she brought with her was just too much to comprehend in such a short amount of time! For months I just obsessed about how much I missed our date nights, our random days out, our music and movie nights, our endless talks of absolutely anything and everything. It took me time to accept and mainly to appreciate how our lives have changed and how our priorities shifted. Give yourself time, give your new family time to adjust and get used to each other and please allow yourself not to be over the moon about the baby 24/7. It's totally normal and doesn't mean you are a bad person at all!!! I promise you, it will get so much easier as the baby grows and you slowly get a little bit of your old self back and start feeling like you again. Look forward to date nights when Covid finally allows ❤️

Does your DH know how you feel? Could you possibly have an honest conversation about it?

Everytime I try to talk to him he shuts me down and gets annoyed with me

That's not helpful of him, does he normally let you talk about your feelings/worries? My partner is the same, like he can't be bothered dealing with my emotions. Again, not so much of an issue pre baby but pretty awful now. Have you got a childcare bubble?

No we don't have a bubble. Dhs family live 200 miles away and I don't have any family

I feel like I could be on the other side of this - we have a 5 month old and my dh is always saying that I don't talk to him, or communicate properly, all we talk about is the baby... I just want to scream at him, what the hell does he think I have to talk about? I'm not here to provide entertainment for him and my life is just looking after the baby, that's it. Can't see anyone or do anything because of lockdown, not working at the moment, tired all the time... But I know it's just a phase and it's extra difficult when there are only two of you together all the time. Normally he gets to talk to other people (he's a lot more gregarious than me) and I get more time on my own to recharge. I know things will get easier as time goes on.

But having said that, not being able to talk about emotions is a bit of a red flag for me - you do need to be able to communicate how you're feeling without being shut down! Dh and I aren't always the best at talking about feelings but we do try as it's better than bottling things up.

I don't know why this just showed in active chats when it's from January. I hope you are ok Op.