Can't make a guy happy

[Sadandfeelabnormal]

So this is weighing on my mind more and more the older I get. Sometimes I'm ok with it. Other times gutted. Always wanted married life and a family. But the older I've got and the more important I start to hear sex is, the less I feel it could ever work for me.

I'm 32 years old. Single. Have only had 2 short relationships. I believe my last relationship ended because of sex. Cause I couldn't make him happy.

Long story short, I am interested in sex and want to have sex when in a relationship. I enjoy it. But i've never had an orgasm. Sex always ended once he had come. My last boyfriend told me it upset him that I didn't. And to be honest, I never really thought alot of women did come, or orgasm. But since that relationship i've read alot and learnt alot and realised i'm quite abnormal.

I've never masturbated. Well I've tried it, over the years because i've felt I should try, but it did absolutely nothing for me. Not even any 'wetness'. (Tmi)

When i'm with a guy, I can feel turned on, but I never seem to be wet enough or even atall, so i'm guessing 'it' just doesn't work. Its broken, or never worked in the first place. Even if I fantasize, I don't think I've felt anything down below, never have the urge to masturbate or touch myself. I feel nothing when i'm given oral, nothing when fingered. I suppose because of this, I only really enjoy penetration.

I do have crushes on men and have even been in love. But there seems to be something wrong with me.

I'm too ashamed to go to a gp and have it on my record. But I have opened up to a counsellor before whom I asked to be referred to but she seemed more interested in talking about my self esteem and the sex issue was brushed under the carpet but its possible my self esteem is so low BECAUSE of this sexual problem that I have no idea to find help for. Or even if help can be found for this.

I'm wondering if I could have something wrong hormonally? I have a monthly period, so I felt things would be usually ok. But I know having no sensation atall must be something.

I want to start dating again when things get more normal, but I fear there's no point trying to build a relationship with anyone when I have this sexual problem. Surely they would eventually get bored and move on like my last. Its just gutting.

Just looking for advice really and seeing if anybody has gone through the same. I wanted to post in the Sex section but I wasn't able to so sorry if this is too much for this board.

Get some lube and a decent vibrator...

Sorry this is such a problem, it sounds as though it’s worth maybe trying counselling again - but with a therapist who specialises in sex and relationships?

That response above may seem like a flippant one but she is correct . There is absolutely nothing wrong with using lube - there are many all natural ones available .

Have you heard of asexual people? It's not having a sexual desire but having a desire for a relationship and love. There is also Vaginismus which is not a well known condition but there is information out there on the Internet and not every doctor or therapist is aware of this. You should do some research into both of these and see if any relate with you. Ultimately some people are just not that sexual or interested in it so much, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but of course it can be an issue for a loving relationship. Do some research and see what you can identify with. Good luck and don't feel abnormal, it may just be something you need to identify within you to move forward.

I don’t orgasm with men. Ever. I’ve had some great lovers who have really tried but it just doesn’t work. I can orgasm on my own, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me it’s just how I am - I think a lot of it is that I need to be in a very specific position. A lot of men struggle with this - they feel they’ve not done a good enough job or the wankers seem to think it’s abnormal of me. I faked it for a long time. I don’t any more now that I’ve got better self esteem. It doesn’t bother me, I enjoy sex and I’m happy with it how it is. I don’t need to orgasm to enjoy myself. You just need a man who doesn’t make you feel bad about it. Most importantly it’s what you’re happy with that matters.

@Pippin2028

Have you heard of asexual people? It's not having a sexual desire but having a desire for a relationship and love. There is also Vaginismus which is not a well known condition but there is information out there on the Internet and not every doctor or therapist is aware of this. You should do some research into both of these and see if any relate with you. Ultimately some people are just not that sexual or interested in it so much, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but of course it can be an issue for a loving relationship. Do some research and see what you can identify with. Good luck and don't feel abnormal, it may just be something you need to identify within you to move forward.

Yes I have heard of it. But I hate that label. I want to have a normal healthy sex life. I want to be sexually healthy and normal. So I don't know that I am 'asexual'. I'd personally consider that as somebody who is happy to not be interested in sex or who has no sex drive.

Like I said, I enjoy sex. When I'm with a partner, I want to be close and intimate with them. Its just unfortunate for me that things don't seem to work 'down there' like they should.

Btw, the closest thing I've read about that describes how things feel they are to me, is Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. (FSAD)

I think you should invest some time in yourself and buy a few different toys that stimulate different parts- figure out what works for you so when you are dating again you can express what you like

In my 20's, I was quite disinterested in sex and did not get into relationships because I felt inexperienced and uninspired. I just assumed low libido. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries at 30 and had some treatment to get my hormones more in balance...OMG...bang, it had an insane impact on my sex drive and I couldn't keep my hands off mankind. I suggest some basic blood tests to exclude anything wrong, and then various sex toys and lube to work out what you want. Lots of women struggle to orgasm off a man, but if you can work out how to...you can communicate that to a man. If he is a keeper, he will listen. Sex is an important part of a relationship. It doesn't mean not having sex will break up a couple, but especially at the start it is fun, exciting and all part of the bonding. Worth finding out what works for you, as you are still a young woman.

Have you ever tried a vibrator? If not, get one. Not a dildo one, just for clitoral stimulation.

I definitely think your first step should be to get some lube and a vibrator for your clitoris. It may be a case of you not knowing your own body very well. I've known several woman with this exact issue.

OP, think the way you talk about yourself in the words of your post is quite revealing, I think I’d like to give you a big hug, if I could. Did you have conversations about sex with your friends when you were growing up? You talk about ‘down there’ and put other things in inverted commas to almost cover up that you are talking about them, I can feel your embarrassment. How does talking about sex and your body make you feel? You’ve used the words broken and normal/abnormal, I’m so sad to read this. There’s nothing broken or abnormal about you and the boyfriend that was upset that you didn’t come - that’s utterly shit that he made you feel under so much pressure. Sex is about intimacy, fun and connection... do you feel those things when you are having sex?

How do you feel about your body? Do you admire all the brilliant things it can do? Do you appreciate how soft your skin is and all your lovely curves? When you have masturbated, has it been a leisurely exploration or have you hidden away under the covers? Please (please!) don’t feel you need to answer these questions on this public board, I’m just putting them out there for you to think about the relationship you have with your body.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you or that you are broken. I had this issue, just couldnt, didn't even masturbate. One day I decided I was gonna make it happen and I worked at it and experiemented with myself until I worked out how to do it. I don't orgasm through penetration only. I would advise a vibrator too. I have learned a lot about my body through using one. Focus on clitoral stimulation.

i have gotten close to orgasm only a couple of times with a man in my life and i'm pushing 50. i had my first orgasm with a vibe when i was 45. i had to try man of them to find out what worked and even then it took me a while to actually reach orgasm.

none of the men i've been with cared if i had an O or not with them (and none of them could get me there). i'm one of those women that can't come from sex. its disappointing but if i'm having sex with someone i really love then i'm okay with it because it's more about intimacy for me anyway.

@Sadandfeelabnormal my face screwed up at the ' it upset him when I didn't' how does he think you felt...
and why didn't you??? Maybe because he didn't take the time to workout what you enjoyed.

Men act like they are having Sex but they aren't. It's not a ' I'll do what I want and what makes me happy. It's for both people.

This shit leaves all the blame on you, when it's their job.

You don't tell someone you are going to cook, turn up with no food shopping, put the hob on and then say ' well I did try'

I didn't learn how to turn myself on until 28. I didn't match with a lot of ex's due to their laziness.
Also I don't scream like a porn star because my pleasure isn't to make him feel like a king.

Thanks for the responses I've read so far, they have made me feel slightly better. Knowing its not just me who has experienced this, or that I'm 'past it' in terms of helping things out.

Years ago, my periods became unusually light and I was concerned so went to my doctor. They did some tests, ultrasound and blood and ruled out PCOS. The other bloods also came back fine. However, I remember looking into the results more myself and thought the Testosterone level seemed below the range, despite being labelled 'normal'. The blood tests I had afterwards, also showed the same result.

I didn't question it much, figured it wasn't such an important hormone. But I'm wondering if even to this day, if my T was perhaps low, if it could be a huge factor as to why I am as I am?

Remember at the time thinking it was odd for it to seem a low level as I had a bit of acne.

[quote Redflaggs]@Sadandfeelabnormal my face screwed up at the ' it upset him when I didn't' how does he think you felt...
and why didn't you??? Maybe because he didn't take the time to workout what you enjoyed.

Men act like they are having Sex but they aren't. It's not a ' I'll do what I want and what makes me happy. It's for both people.

This shit leaves all the blame on you, when it's their job.

You don't tell someone you are going to cook, turn up with no food shopping, put the hob on and then say ' well I did try'

I didn't learn how to turn myself on until 28. I didn't match with a lot of ex's due to their laziness.
Also I don't scream like a porn star because my pleasure isn't to make him feel like a king. [/quote]
@Redflaggs

Yes, this was about 5+ years ago but I remember so well. He would keep asking for me to come for him. And I just, couldn't. For the reasons I mentioned in my first post. I don't know why, I never have. Along the line he also started saying he wanted me to squirt. Which at the time I wasn't even aware was a thing which makes me feel so naive to say but true. Then he actually said it 'Makes him upset that he always gets to finish but I don't'. Honestly, it did nothing for my self esteem and to this day I still think about it, along with the other sexual problems and is my main excuse to not want to bother pursuing a relationship again.

The contrast was that he had slept with a lot of girls, I had only had one other partner and quite inexperienced. I think he felt I should actually be like a flaming porn star!

You sounds normal in a lot of ways, perhaps if you'd been in a really supportive relationship where you'd felt comfortable enough to explore things you might have had a more positive experience. Well that's what I'm hoping for myself, age 40 and divorced I've never really felt comfortable enough to let go, iyswim.

I had a similar problem, until I was 35. I found a man who was very patient! But I'd definitely recommend a vibrator and lots of lube. A rabbit or another clitoris vibrator should be fine.

That's a lot of pressure he was putting on you :(

It could well be medical but I would definitely self explore masturbation with toys first.... If nothing happens, not even a flutter of orgasm waves then I'd go down the Medical route.

May I suggest a clitoral sucker, can pick them up cheap and do the job very quickly (wouldn't entertain anything expensive at this point in time). Alot of women have clit only orgasms, others internal g spot ones......id explore the common one before the internal one.

Have fun....

OP there is nothing wrong with you. Of course you're not going to orgasm from sex if the men you're having sex with aren't arousing you properly and giving you proper foreplay. You don't sound asexual, as someone above suggested, as you said yourself you crave sex and have sexual feelings.

As others have said, please buy yourself an (external) vibrator and some lube (or you can use coconut oil). Give yourself time; after years of unsatisfactory sex it could take a while (and a few tries) for your body and mind to fully relax and enjoy the sensations. Please don't give up on your sexuality, it is a very important part of you!

If it makes you feel better, I'm in my twenties and have never had an orgasm during sex either - none of the men I've been with were remotely interested in giving me one so it simply didn't happen, it's not because I'm incapable of them.

He would keep asking for me to come for him.... he also started saying he wanted me to squirt. ... he actually said it 'Makes him upset that he always gets to finish but I don't'
The contrast was that he had slept with a lot of girls
Are you sure he had slept with a lot of girls, rather than just watching a lot of porn? If he did have a lot of exes, have you considered the idea that maybe he got through this high number in a short time because he never stayed with any of them for long, as he kept coming out with this kind of shit?
Women don't come on demand. "Asking" women to come is not how it works. He sounds strange.

@ravenmum

He would keep asking for me to come for him.... he also started saying he wanted me to squirt. ... he actually said it 'Makes him upset that he always gets to finish but I don't' The contrast was that he had slept with a lot of girls Are you sure he had slept with a lot of girls, rather than just watching a lot of porn? If he did have a lot of exes, have you considered the idea that maybe he got through this high number in a short time because he never stayed with any of them for long, as he kept coming out with this kind of shit? Women don't come on demand. "Asking" women to come is not how it works. He sounds strange.

This sounds very likely.

OP, I had similar issues to you, didn’t get anything from wanking (with my hands), enjoyed sex but never orgasmed, yet I managed to resolve it. What I did was buy a selection of vibrators and some lube and experimented. Many toys made wild promises of amazing orgasms yet did nothing for me, but I found what worked. Then it was just a case of practicing and getting to know my body, and once I knew what I liked I was able to direct my lovers. Also, the more lovers I had the more variety of techniques, so I’d find new ways that worked which I’d pass to the next relationship.

He would keep asking for me to come for him. And I just, couldn't...Along the line he also started saying he wanted me to squirt
Oh dear, it’s not surprising that you couldn’t come with him, he created “performance pressure” which I find an orgasm killer🙄. As for him wanting you to squirt FFS! 😡 What a turn off. As for him saying he’d slept with a lot of women, well, either he learnt very little or he was bullshitting. The man I lost my virginity to told me he’d fucked lots of girls too yet he was awful! He had no idea what he was doing and foreplay was virtually non-existent! Experienced? Yeah right! 🙄

Also, please realise that you can like/love someone yet be sexually incompatible (either mentally or physically) so don’t blame yourself, and there are too many who are influenced by porn and have horrible habits too.