Why am I jealous of my partners ex wife?

[margodog]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we have known each other for most of our lives. He divorced 10 years ago and has 2 lovely children (23 and 26). All of them live very close by and we all get on well. I still live in my apartment across town but spend a lot of time at my partners home. He is keen for us to move in together eventually

His wife initiated the divorce (my partner was devastated as we were friends then) and they have worked hard to be friends for the childrens sake which is great. I'm happy and confident and get on well with the ex wife. I really get on well with the kids and they say that I am good for their dad and are happy we are together.

My issue is that he speaks to his ex wife several times a day as they are now close friends, he talks a lot about his past as a family and often I feel left out and jealous when the family go to the Theatre or have a family WhatsApp chat and I'm not included. He's recently written a speech and asked both of us for feedback and I felt very hurt that she was also included. Although it was her decision to split they have talked openly and agreed that getting back together wasn't an option. They would just be good friends

A couple of times I have booked a hotel or restaurant only to hear that he'd been there with his ex and it feels like another blow. At his mothers funeral the ex wife and children were with him whereas I was a few rows back. They all stayed in the family house overnight and I had to stay with my parents. I wasn't worried at all if anything would happen but more upset about being left out
I am very sensitive and have not experienced these emotions before and know if I tell him he'd say they are just good friends. I am becoming increasingly more agitated about her being SO much in his life. She is a very needy person and currently not in a relationship. The last thing I want is to cause a rift between her and the children.

After their divorce my partner and his ex wife started new relationships and I understand the ex girlfriend (before me) had exactly the same issues as I am feeling now.

I'm divorced and occasionally speak to my ex husband (we have no children together) however I don't talk much about my past or the conversations out of respect.

We are all in our fifties/sixties and I speak openly and honest to my partner but feel embarrassed and angry with myself for feeling like this. Am I being unreasonable feeling like this? I really want this relationship to work and not sure if I should talk to him or have some counselling. I am 52 and they are 61

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I'm feeling completely lost and starting to pull back to protect myself
Many thanks
Margo

Hi Margo, I completely understand why you feel like this, to borrow Diana’s saying there are three of you in the relationship. They may not have a sexual relationship and she may not want to be with him but they have a very close emotional relationship and family ties. I would feel that there is no room for our relationship to be the primary one.
Thing is you are not going to change it. If you try you will become an outsider with the kids and they are clearly very close family.
If you really can’t accept it I think you will have to emotionally detach and move on. Otherwise you will continually feel that you are compromising yourself xx

sometimes, with jealousy, it's a good idea to examine what it is that might be causing it. my partner is also very close with his ex-wife, and i get little twinges of jealousy sometimes - or maybe sadness is a better word. i dont' feel jealous of them spending time together, but it's because there's a part of me that's a bit jealous that I only just found him (because he's great), and they have this huge long history together. i'm also a bit jealous that they are still friends, because my ex and i parted on really bad terms.

jealousy is a normal thing - but like all emotions, it's how we handle them. i know that his relationship with her isn't a threat to mine with him - i feel valued, loved and prioritised, and it's nothing that he's done to make me feel these little twinges. i remind myself that we're now building our own history and story, and that that is just as important to him as his past.

Look closely at your relationship - do you feel like it's 'missing' anything that he could actually do anything about? or is it this more abstract sense of not having that history? Is it triggering something in you that makes you feel insecure, and not 'important' enough in his life?

I don’t think he’s over her, and I don’t think he ever will be for as long as she ‘needs’ him. His actions speak loud and clear and he isn’t considering how things might make you feel whatsoever.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, you sound lovely btw.

I feel sad for you. I think you can talk to him and ask not be left out. That is quite reasonable. You can’t stop them being close, but you can expect to be treated like part of the family.

I don't think the OP is jealous as such ut trying to make sense of why they need to he so close.
He can be friends and get on with her and still include you.
He needs to let go a little bit. You're his future.

Your feelings are valid.