Suddenly single after 15 years of marriage

[suddenlysingle]

Hi all i hope this doesnt get deleted i posted my guts out on another site and it got deleted without any explanation.

Sorry its a long one.

Ill do a timeline
Got with husband 2006
in between this i found he was on a dating site when i stayed at his and was fixing his computer. forgave him
married aug 2009
had son dec 2009 (traumatic birth)
he threatened to leave many many times as he suddenly didnt like not being my number one and my son was now the first and foremost.

had daughter april 2012
got pre cancerous cells dec 2012 and spent xmas in hospital after i haemorraged.
Sex was painful due to scare tissue so i rarley wanted it anymore
found he had been sending inaproproate texts of his anatomy to other women about a year later whilst taking a selfie to secretly put as his screensaver when he was going on nightshifts......and cheking it if it looked ok.
went to marriage counselling where he refused to go after as the counsellor tried to see where he was in the wrong.
carried on in which time he developed anger issues and was pretty nasty not to the point of abuse but would be nasty to my kids and after speaking to a counsellor she wanted me to be put in touch with a womans aid as she feared for my safety.
In the meantime he hated the fact he didnt get enough sex and quite frankly didnt want to have it. We agreed that i would sort him out and that would be enough for him. so cue about 8 years of me servicing his needs once a week, for fear of him getting angry.
If he didnt end up gettgin what he wanted he would sulk for days on end and it would be really really uncomfortable.

put up with it for the kids but in my head, hope that when they are older i can have the guts to leave.

roll on today when i went to create a new fb account (i had a bit of breakdown last week)
and for some reason (and even he doesnt know the password) he was logged in on my phone. I thought it was my old fb account and started scrolling as i was confused. and i came accross that he had been on this site called playroom which basically is of women posing an getting men to slobber over them in various chat. My husband included.

confrunted him and told him thats it.
its over.

now.

Am i being too harsh?
we have a shared ownership together and i know we will have to live under the same roof for a long time as neither of us an afford to part.
Especially with covid being the issue as neither of us have a support bubble we can now enter.

I am lost. hurt and sad. With no one to talk to.

You’ve given him far more chances than I would.
Treat yourself to a solicitor.
Stay strong 💐 and call the police if you feel frightened

Too harsh?!

You should have left him ages ago. I would explore options in order to be able to live separately, speak to Women’s Aid as they will able to advise you.

thanks i dont feel frightened.
i just feel sad that i wasnt enough.

i just dont know how this is going to work x

thanks ive never heard of womens aid?

what would they do?

@DinosaurDiana

You’ve given him far more chances than I would. Treat yourself to a solicitor. Stay strong 💐 and call the police if you feel frightened

This

Someone else has feared for your safety. Often when you are in a situation you can’t see how bad it really is.
He may display his unpleasant side when he realises what is happening.
Just remember that they are there if you need them.

The forced sex is a bit scary, borderline rape surely?

You should have ended things a long time ago. Your poor children having to endure him.

when they mentioned womens aid i didnt look into it.

i almost feel ashamed to even think of going there?

he never forced me per sey but got angry if it didnt happen and would say i had rejeced him and made him feel disgusting

I mean your situation sounds like a textbook case to be referred to women’s aid. Abuse is abuse.

borderline rape sounds really scary but i see what u meant tbh

You know it’s not normal to get literally angry after sex is refused? He was being coercive.

omg coercive thats what they called it.
coercive and controlling i think they said.

Its scary to even let these thoughts come into my head if that makes sense

how do we live under one roof tho as neither of us have anywhere to go

Ive said ill have the bedroom he can have the living room.

But long term i cant see it working

You’ve mentioned anger a couple of times about him.
Do you have family or a friend that you could confide in ?

You need to speak to a solicitor.

Nah you need to leave ASAP. Someone needs to move out and the house needs to be sold.

I haven't got anyone around me tbh.

I’m so sorry you’ve been/ are going through this. I previously worked with women trapped in abusive relationships and can say without doubt, that what you have described is abuse. What you say about being fearful of his anger and his sexual dominance, wanting to leave but not feeling able to is a red flag. Call Women’s Aid, they are an amazing life-line organisation and can give you advice, support and arrange safe refuge accommodation in a secure anonymous location. The only issue is they have an age restriction on allowing male children, so depends on children sexes/ age. Otherwise your local council, housing advice team can help, based on what you have said I’m confident they could help you with emergency accommodation for you and your children away from the family home, so you don’t have to worry about your shared ownership property and having to stay there ( I used to work in Housing Advice for councils). Calling either or both for advice is a great place to start. I agree with what others said that his behaviour may change/ worsen if he gets a wiff of you wanting to leave him, so please get advice and get safe xx

We used to arrange emergency accommodation over the phone for people when the office was closed eg out of hours, so I assume they could assist you with this over the phone if the local authority offices are closed in lockdown ( I assume the council offices are currently closed but maybe not, as surely essential services(?)

Everything's fine at the moment hes got his tail between his legs tbh. I've said I will stay in the bedroom and he can stay in the living room.

I'm happy with that. X

That’s okay for tonight but obviously won’t work long term.

Yea exactly
I cant even look at him. It hurts.too much x

Good to hear you feel safe tonight, try to speak to someone you trust as soon as you feel able ( eg family or a confidential service like Women’s Aid)