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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What’s with the guilt?

10 replies

Ladylimbo · 26/01/2021 16:40

First post but a longtime lurker. I need some straight talking please.
My ‘D’P and I have been together for 3 years. They have been a pretty tough 3 years. He consistently lies to me about alcohol. He hides it, drinks secretly and denies, denies, denies....
Every time I catch him out he’s sorry, begs for one last chance, promises to change etc etc.
The last time I caught him lying, I made it perfectly clear that the last chance he was asking for would absolutely be his last chance.
Well he’s only gone and done it again hasn’t he!!
My question isn’t should I leave him. I am leaving him.
My question is, how do you deal with the guilt?
He loves me so much, I obviously don’t love him, I don’t care about him, I don’t give a damn, I’m not being fair.....
How does he not see that he caused this by choosing to be dishonest again?
How do I stay strong in the face of this attempted manipulation?

OP posts:
Whichname98 · 26/01/2021 17:27

He needs help OP. It's an illness and professional help is the only way forward for him. He will continue to lie, manipulate and deceive you. You deserve better, he does too and that's why it's vital he gets the support he needs. . Would he be open to getting help do you think?

Ladylimbo · 26/01/2021 17:37

Thank you for your reply. He denies he has a problem. I’ve bent over backwards to help him but I realise this can only come from him. All the ultimatums in the world won’t make him stop but I need to look after myself. He just makes me feel so terribly guilty for wanting to end the relationship.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/01/2021 18:21

Indeed you do need to look after yourself now and love your own self for a change. Rebuild your life and rebuild your boundaries, alcoholics wreak boundaries and yours will have been mashed by this man.

Do not further give into his manipulation here. It is ok to end the relationship for any reason so do not feel guilty. He does not feel at all guilty here about putting you through the wringer as he has these past three years.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you. It’s never been with you. All you have done here is further enable him and that does not help anyone, it only gives you a false sense of control.

As you have now realised as well the decision to help him was a mistake, he has to be the one to decide if he wants help or not. He does not and actually never has wanted your help and support. What could you have done anyway?.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2021 18:25

He's gaslighting and manipulating you. Dump him, block him completely, and move on. Hopefully, you've learned something from this and won't make the same mistakes.

litterbird · 26/01/2021 18:35

If you dont follow through now you never will as he will see you as weak and tolerant of his alcoholism. Its a nasty disease that left untreated will only get worse. You tried to help but it didn't work. You gave an ultimatum and you must follow through. If he really honours the relationship he will let you go, get help then prove he is sober and if he is lucky he can try and get you back. If you stay you will be an enabler to an alcoholic and you only need to read the threads on here about women and their alcoholic husbands. Difficult time for you I know but be brave and be kind to your future self who does not need this in your life.

Elieza · 26/01/2021 18:37

You have to leave. Otherwise he would never believe you mean it when you said it next time. And there WOULD be a next time.

Make your plans and if it help you could say you’ll catch up with him once he’s sober or whatever? But only if you mean it and want to.

Ladylimbo · 26/01/2021 19:02

Thank you all.
I’ve been telling myself all the same things as has been posted here, but he gets in my ear and the doubt and guilt creep in.
Seeing it in black and white it’s definitely helpful and it will be handy to have to refer back to if I waver.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/01/2021 19:10

You really have nothing to feel guilty about OP, in fact you have been enabling him up to now as you haven't been giving him consequences for his continuing failure to address his addiction.

Atilla (who posted above) recently posted a link on another thread about addicted partners, it was a long piece about the "drama" or "theatre play" of the addict and the enablers around them. Really very eye opening, but I didn't save the link. Perhaps @AttilaTheMeerkat could post it again as I think it would help you address the guilt he is pushing onto you. Which you absolutely should not accept.

Shut these conversations down when he starts. Find a phrase to use, one he can't possibly argue with. Something like "I have loved you as best I can, but I hate your drinking, and I won't [not can't] continue this relationship to the detriment of my own health and happiness. I've told you it's over, I won't be changing my mind, so save your breath."

Do not believe any of his bullshit and promises to change. If he genuinely does want to change, then let him change alone, and find sobriety alone, and if he then wants to contact you in the future - after, say, at least a year of sobriety - then maybe, just maybe, you might consider sitting down with him then. But don't tell him that now.

It is actually kinder to make it very very clear to him that you won't be changing your mind, so he needs to accept the reality that he is now single and deal with the practicalities.

Are you living together? Can you move out? Don't wait for him to take action as you could be waiting forever.

Ladylimbo · 26/01/2021 19:43

Yes we live together in rented accommodation and I cannot really be the one that moves out. I don’t like being vague but the reasons behind me being the one that needs to stay in the house are quite outing since I don’t want to give specific details on that.
It would certainly be easier if I could just up and leave.

OP posts:
GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 05:12

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