Can anyone explain the thinking behind this..

[Ntwa]

My post, (and reading other threads) of my ex partner giving me the silent treatment has me wondering. (I know some will say its how they are and move on.. I'm trying)
So examples..

If he does something (negative) selfish and I pull him up he will apologise..
If he's rude he will apologise..
If I mention anything negative he will usually apologise..

However the reason we split is due to his lack of wanting to move forward.
He would say, and has done all along he's wanted to live with me.. Until the discussion comes up. This is where he becomes quiet/defensive/tells me I'm being unreasonable.. I then get upset and obviously feel like I'm wasting my time and tell him so. He then sulks.. The only way to bring this round is for me to sort it by making conversation and on we've gone.

Now I know it's awful.. I know it's a form of abuse.. I know its clear he doesn't want to obviously progress (even though he did pull his finger out and discuss a few weeks back) what I struggle with is why he sulks over this and not other negative things..

I need to try and understand this better to be able to move forward.. Otherwise anyone I meet in the future I won't believe anything they say?

I agree with "move on", but you know this. In order to move on, I'd suggest actively stopping yourself from analysing why he did this and switching to thinking about yourself and your needs EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Easier said than done, but example (from experience):

You want to know why he said he wanted to live with you, but never actually saught to real-life live with you, then every conversation turned into a confrontation. Why did he say those things? Why was he (effectively) dishonest? What is it that he doesn't want with you? Why is he denying you this very real statement of togetherness?

If you keep that up, you will disappear down a rabbit hole (again, from experience).

You need to try to catch yourself and reframe the thought process:

Ex said things that he clearly did not mean and that left me feeling hurt and confused. I am better when I don't feel hurt and confused so what do I need now?

And you can answer that question theoretically (I need some time alone to evaluate all the positives in my life, I need to talk to my sister/boss/a professional about changing x which makes me unhappy) or literally (I need to get some fresh air and think about something different, I need to catch up with my friend because she'll make me laugh, I need to get paint swatches to decorate MY home in a way that makes ME happy).

I know you know this, but you need to stop giving him so much of your mental energy.

@holrosea thank you. I know you're right.. I'll never have answers. I'm pretty strong most of the time.. The thought of meeting someone else and being led up the garden path again terrifies me.. We learn to spot the signs though don't we.

Eating elephants: start with something small.

Don't worry about meeting someone else (or how trustworthy they are) until it's something you want to do and are happy enough in yourself to walk away if it's not right.

For right now, break yourself out of the "why did he say that?" mentality and get yourself into the "I can't fix everything, but what can I do to feel better/more secure/confident/have fun?" mentality. You'll start to feel better without even having to try, and then you'll know whether you want to meet someone else yet or not.

Having had this experience, you'll be harder to lead up the garden path. You'll know that if someone says "I want to be with you" but takes no concrete steps to being with you, they are not meting your needs and therefore you can end it, knowing that you have survived worse and feel better for having the strength to follow your gut.

@holrosea thank you. You talk perfect sense. I know you're right, at the moment it's been left with him.
I've still got his stuff.. What do I do.. The stubborn in me has accepted his ignoring and its proven to me how important I am.. Yet I need to finalise it..ideas on a non answerable nice (even though I'm upset/raging) text?!
Then I can do what you've said.

Personally, I'd avoid all contact (he's not worth your time, and from experience, getting stuff back often leads to more contact).

He's not asking you for it so it's not urgent, but if I were you, I'd box up everything of his and just send a "I will drop this off at work/at this place/at your sister's on Friday at 4pm". If he really does need to come over to collect things, I'd say "I will put your boxes outside/in the garage at 4pm on Friday", put them out a little bit early then go out or something.

I know it sounds dramatic but be honest with yourself, what positive is he ever going to bring you? You've already decided to end it, give yourself the opportunity of a clean break.

@holrosea you're right. I nearly cracked earlier as its breaking me. I think I can deal with it then have a moment and almost messaged.. But I haven't and I won't.
I had a you turn and thought 'you're showing me your true colours' 'you're clearly not wanting your stuff' 'you know ignoring hurts me'

But I know he's sad.. I know he doesn't want his stuff back because he wants me to go back to how we were and he knows he upsets me but in his head he's not doing it on purpose..
BUT he's also a grown adult and I need to remember that. My only concern is I have something he has to have back and he's probably forgotten.
Sigh how hard this all is

How are you op x

@itstimetoquit thanks for asking.
Not great to be honest. It should be getting easier.. It just hits more and more each day how we're obviously done.. 22 days of nothing.. I'm actually shocked in ways. I guess he's showing his true colours hey..