Seperating-advice

[jenk1]

me and dh have decided to seperate.
after months of trying and being to couple counselling, they identified problems and we(well i) tried to work on them, things havent changed and so now we are seperating.

we are at relate next week to discuss amicable ways of seperating as we have 2 children both with ASD and thats going to be hard.

i know this is the right decision, its very hard cos i still care for DH but he has refused to acknowledge any of our problems and theres only so much one person can do.

i feel kind of numb at the moment.
if anyone has been through this process and has any advice, id really appreciate it.

TIA

I'm kinda going through the same thing, however I'm doing the relate thing whilst dh has flatly refused to go, I'm still holding out some hope that we can sort things out and try again but its not looking good, infact your dh sounds alot like mine, I'm so sorry things haven't worked out for you

DH has said he will go to relate but he doesnt accept that there are problems,he has refused to discuss them in the past.

we went to see a psychotherapist back in march who was very good and she made a lot of sense, she said she could see him on his own as he had "issues" but he refused to go, ive been trying to put into practice what she said but with only one of us trying, whats the point?

also he,s very jealous of the time that i spend with the kids who are both ASD and the therapist asked him "what do you want your wife to do? she cannot spread herself any more thinly than what she is doing, if you tried to help her maybe there would be more time for the two of you", dont get me wrong he,s good at bathing the kids and putting them to bed and taking them to his dads but anything else he ignores.
he also treats our daughter better than our son (who is not biologically his) and ive bad enough of that.

i dont know if we will be able to work things out until he has sorted his problems out but im willing to give it a go.

we will have to support each other TLV!!!!

its really difficult isn't it, my dh just refuses to talk to me at the moment, so I'm just keeping silent and getting on with it, he really has issues about opening up and I really think relate would help him. He is staying with family at the moment but said 'i'll have to come back as I've got no where else to go!' I just can't understand how they think

yes our dh,s sound similar!!!!!

strangely today he has been quite happy,its as if a weight has gone off his shoulder.

well just had a blazing row with mine and guess what he walked out again. Apparently I'm sitting pretty in the house whilst he is a vagrant dossing on peoples spare beds, he told me in no uncertain terms that we would not be getting back together too, the idiot just wants me to agree to sell the house to make things easier for him!

he went tonight.

i know i made the right decision however hard it feels cos i cannot put up with his jealousy over the kids anymore and his controlling.

i know he has had a really bad childhood/upbringing but he refuses to get help saying "he will change" well he,s been saying that for nearly 5 years and each time we have nearly broke up he turns into mr charming and i end up apologising for talking to him about the way i feel.
he is cruel to me and the kids, he knows what upsets them and he causes them to meltdown, i cannot accept it anymore, i am so strong now and i just want my kids to have a happy homelife and if it means just me then thats how it is to be.

oh jenk i'm sorry to hear your news, but glad that you think it's teh right thing for you and your children. wishing you strength at this tough time, xxx

Sorry you are going through a tough time. Sounds like it good be a blessing in disguise though. Life with a controlling man is no life, esp when he refuses to change. Be strong and don't let him back!

Having a bad childhood is not a good enough excuse if they refuse to try to sort it out. My xh had a crap childhood and now seems intent on being a selfish little brat with no regard for our dds. (it is only 5 weeks since he left so still very raw) Good luck to you and enjoy the nicer atmosphere at home without anyone taking their problems out on you and the kids.

yes i agree with you jennypenguin. for months ive just put up with the crap because i felt so sorry for him but then i realised if he is unable to sort himself out then what affect is it going to have on the kids?

i had the best nights sleep in ages last night, just me and dd and ds in my bed.

i feel very tearful today, im also worrying about next week cos we are at relate and he thinks that everything will be fine, he wont listen when i say i dont want to be with him and thinks that relate next week will sort "everything out", but it wont, he doesnt really accept/acknowledge the problems, im going to have to tell him in the relate session that as far as im concerned thats it for our marriage and im dreading it, in the past he,s got angry/aggresive whenever we,ve fallen out and ive wanted to split up, then he turns on the charm and i end up apologising, well not this time.

Jenk, really sorry to hear this, as I know the hard times you have been trough from your posts on SN.

I hope the relate helps him to see that he cant just stick his head in the sand and hope everything will be alright.

But I know what you mean about feeling like a weight has been lifted. My XP moved out about 2 months ago now, and although he didnt want to have any counselling (for us, he was supposed to be getting it for himself but I think that fizzled out) I still feel a lot more comfortable.

I get a lot of support on here, hope you do too.

he is so controlling.
he came round last night to see the kids and immediately started checking things, following me around the house.

i am going out tonight with my friends and he is babysitting, i said can you come around after tea and he said no i will come at 3 so you can have a bath and i said no after tea will be ok but he said no ill come at 3pm. he then asked me who i was going out with and where we were going and i said we are not together anymore i dont ask you what you are up to (cos im not in the slightest bit interested).

when he was going he took my toothpaste
this is a man who,s personal hygiene is horrible and he doesnt hardly clean his teeth.
so what that was all about i dont know.

he has told me he hasnt told his family we have splt up and doesnt intend to cos he is "sure it will work out" but i dont want to be with him, its taken me months of counselling to get this strong, im just hoping i can make him see next week at relate that our marriage is over.
i feel very anxious.

hi Jenk, big suipportive hug comig your way. i'm kinda you a few months back. i know i should leave but not got the courage at the moment. he wont do the relate thingy, he says he doesn't talk to me so why would he speak to someone he doesn't know?

did you have a good time whilst you were out?