Finding time for one another with a 6 month baby.

[VioletVix]

Not sure this is in the right place but looking for advice as I feel my relationship is doomed.
We've had a baby together 6 months ago and there just doesnt seem to be any time for each other now. My boyfriend has brought up a few comments that he's feeling left out and I completely get it but baby is exclusively breastfed and wont go down for any naps or sleep without either of us.
This isn't our first she is our 6th, I have 3 other children and he has two others. I breastfed my other kids but they would always go down for naps so I could have some time at least!
How did you all find time for your partners after having babys?

Is it just the baby that’s the problem or all the other children?
Are they feeling left out too?

Or is it your DP that’s the problem!?

For me i would be focusing on
Baby and myself
Other kids
Partner
In that order

What did he expect?
Is there times where your 3 and his 2 are at their other parents?

I use nap time for housework, so that doesn't directly answer your question but I have a 6 month old who also had to be breastfed or walked to sleep. I know it's a slightly controversial opinion on this website, but I ended up doing some gentle sleep training at 5.5 months as I was returning to work and needed her to be able to nap in a cot when the weather was too bad to take her for a walk. It took a few weeks, and isn't perfect now, but she will now go to sleep at bedtime in her cot and also about 80% of her naps are also done in her cot. There are quicker methods of sleep training (cry it out) or slower methods, but there are a large variety of methods you can choose from to find one that suits you and your baby. I used the little ones program which I found very helpful and informative! It's also had the unexpected bonus of helping her sleep a lot longer at night - before we started she was waking every couple of hours for a 30/60 minute feed.

@Nanette21 The other children are fine, they are all older and currently due to the pandemic we dont have his two with us, they usually stay every weekend. My other 3 are 10,9 and 6. Ive asked them all individually if they feel left out since baby has arrived but they've all said no. I do get one on one time with my others as my boyfriend does take the baby.
He hasn't said it outright to me just passing comments when I'm cuddling the baby after she had fed or shes napping on me, I know how he feels though as I'm starting to get a little frustrated with the situation myself but my baby does come first. I think the main issue is bedtime as we are currently in the king size bed (we safely bedshare) and he isnt. We've tried a few times with him in too but it just didnt work.
Before the 4 month sleep regression she was happily sleeping on her own in her moses basket, straight after feeding no rocking. Now she wont sleep alone, especially at night. I've tried shush, pat and rock methods nothing works until I pick her up.
@pinknsparkly how did your method work?
@CeeCee2021 yes my 3 go to their dads mon-thurs and currently his aren't allowed to visit us this time round so we have a few days with just the baby.

We don’t!

I have a nearly 6 month old. I go to bed with her at 7 ish as per the recommendation not to leave them to sleep alone for the first 6 months, but as we’re coming to the end of that I would like to start putting her down and leaving her with monitor on so we can have some semblance of an evening. But if I so much as move 2 inches away from her she wakes up and cries. She’s goes to sleep fine, put her in the cot fine - but as soon as she somehow senses I’m not in the room that’s it. If anything she’s getting worse - I used to able to go for a wee at least but I honestly can’t move to the other side of the bed now.

She will only contact nap. She’s going through the super clingy stage where she screams if I leave the room, even when she’s with her dad who is great and does everything right - she just wants me.

Lockdown. No support bubble as there isn’t anyone who isn’t already in another bubble or vulnerable in some way and we wouldn’t want to add to their risk. DH’s workload massively increased due to the situation.

We do only have the one baby though so that’s easier.

Honestly people talk about how important it is to make time for yourself and take time for each other but it’s just not feasible at the moment. It’s easier (for me/us) to just accept this is how it is for now. Our relationship isn’t in the best shape it’s ever been no, but neither of us are going anywhere so we’ve just got to dig in and get through it and trust things will get easier! I figure she’s got to stop napping on me at some point, and hopefully the bedtimes will follow suit.

@AliasGrape I feel you there! It's so hard isnt it!
I definitely think my little has got worse when everyone else who's had babies around this age and with my others their sleep improved as they got older. It's almost back to her being a newborn but I honestly say that stage was easier as they just slept and ate. Now its entertaining a screamy baby that doesnt want to leave your side.
Same with the bubbles, there is no family to help as they are either vulnerable, working or kids of their own to sort.
Finding it a lot harder this time round just hoping we can come out the other side of it

@VioletVix oh it's all so familiar. To be fair she's never let me put her down but it was a lot easier when she was tiny!

She started sleeping through pretty early - in her own crib even! And was generally so cheery and easy that I never minded the contact naps and her wanting to be held so much. But its harder as she gets bigger, and she won't settle for dad anymore so I don't get as much of a break. And the sleeping through thing - yeah not so much these days!

Sending solidarity vibes and caffeine your way!

@AliasGrape as much as it sucks it's nice to hear I'm not alone. Bubs was sleeping through with only 1 wake up till 4 months since then we were up every hour that's now settled to every 3 but now wont settle with dad at night. I'm really hoping it gets better as she gets a bit older xx