Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Forming friendships/a relationship when you've never really had either

6 replies

User01123581321 · 26/01/2021 04:23

I always hear people saying how hard it is to make friends as an adult anyway. How completely impossible is it with nothing to build on? Where am I even meant to start?

I've never set the world alight socially, was always the kid who got called weird, and then I had awful luck as a preteen and 4/5 of my friends moved out of the area in a short space of time. I try not to take it personally. The final friend dumped me literally overnight when she made new friends and I never managed to make any new friends in school.

University, I realised that I have no idea how to socialise and after an agonising freshers week, including a misunderstanding that led my flatmates to believe that I hate all music, I completely withdrew from people.

As an adult, I've done volunteering, clubs and classes and all that but I'm never part of the group. Pre-COVID, I went to the same sports club near enough every week and regularly had people I'd met multiple times introducing themselves to me. Stuff like that happens wherever I go. It's like people never really notice me. I also still get called weird but now it's at work so I've got that going for me Smile

I'm not unhappy and a lot of the time, I think that I don't even want friends or a relationship, it feels like such hard work when there's this huge, 20 year, gap in my social skills and life experience. Having no social skills and missing out on every teenage and young adult experience that involves people affects everything. I don't think most people understand how it's even possible somebody can come to have no social connections at all over a very long period of time. I can't be the only person in my position but it feels like it sometimes.

OP posts:
chopc · 26/01/2021 05:07

I am sorry to hear of your experience. Do you think you perhaps have an undiagnosed condition such as autism?

Having reflected a lot on this issue, I think it's very unusual to have experienced this your whole life without there being an underlying issue.

Not sure what sort of professional will be able to diagnose and help though

User01123581321 · 26/01/2021 10:39

Maybe. I know lots of people feel differently but I've never seen the point in adults getting an autism diagnosis. It's not like there's any support available. There's no real difference between struggling with social skills, and struggling with social skills because ASD.

OP posts:
Hidinge · 26/01/2021 10:46

Aren't there?

Sarahandduck18 · 26/01/2021 10:51

It’s not going to do any harm pursuing a diagnosis though?

By my late 20s I had no real friends that I saw on a regular basis.
It happens.

There are always new opportunities though.

Be really proactive. Read up on how to develop social skills. Consciously take notice of body language. Invite people for a coffee (post cv).

Maybe try a life coach to boost confidence?

Ohalrightthen · 26/01/2021 10:53

Therapy?

User01123581321 · 26/01/2021 12:15

If it led to anything beyond 'you're autistic, see you later' then it might be worth considering. But having to sit and pick apart my difficulties for the sake of a label that comes with no support or benefits at all isn't for me.

It's having nothing to build on. Like inviting somebody for a coffee. Who? I can't think of a time I've ever been in a situation where that'd be a natural progression. I never have that initial connection with people. I don't know how people do. How do you go from discussing the weather with somebody who will have forgotten your name the following day to friendship?

When I went to Meetups, pre-COVID, I'd get there early so I was the second to arrive's only option, make small talk and then sort of be left behind as soon as somebody else turned up.

I've had counselling in the past. Same thing as everywhere, just the disbelief at how without friends I am and suggestions that I build on something that I don't really have.

I've even tried Bumble for friendship but not having photos of or stories to tell about previous great times with friends... and things like people at work talking about birthday celebrations a couple of weeks ago. I haven't had a get together with friends since I was 12. I know that's not normal but it's true and it gives me a choice of either lying or admitting to being very different to most people.

Just feel like I've completely missed the boat sometimes.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page