Toxic mother

[Summer991]

I've been slowly limiting contact over the years with my mother due to how argumentative and narcissistic she is. I still keep contact though so that my children can have a relationship with the family especially as my youngest lo has no family apart from on my side. But for my mental health I would rather have no contact, this is nearly impossible though as all my siblings live with my mother still and are close to her, also I'd not be able to see my neice, so cutting contact with my mother would mean the whole family, and we literally have no one else, the only person I'm close to is my younger sister so we could still see each other. The reason I'm on here looking for advice is because my grandad (mother's dad) passed away yesterday and I was told in message by my mum, so I continued to speak to her this way and asked her how she was, by night-time I had a message from one of my brother's in the family group chat saying this in the photos...me and my mum aren't very close anymore so phone calls aren't really something we do. What do I do from here? I've since had more messages today saying other hurtful things how I'm a crap daughter etc, I've since privately messaged my mum saying "I'm here for her, but it's no good pushing me away" and she hasn't replied. I'm just so hurt and mentally drained and I don't know wether I should just stay away now until the funeral or is that heartless? Do I go no contact forever or do I continue to try for the sake of my kids? I'm 30 now and I don't know how I can put up with this sort of negative environment forever, nothing I ever do is good enough, if I see everyone more often there'll still be an issue and when I keep my distance the problems dont go away. I know my mum will be having a hard time but she also has everyone else around her for support and I don't live by them. is it selfish of me to have not called and only text when i was greiving myself? is it bad that I just want them to forget I even exist and leave me alone...because I'm fed up with feeling anxious walking on eggshells. Outsiders point of view please because I just don't know anymore.

I would have called, if only to save face and do a quick check in. It would have saved all this agro and you could have them carried on.

You may be grieving too but she has just lost a parent and it's completely different.

Sorry for your loss

Reading those messages and with no further background than provided in this post..it sounds like she just really wanted a phone call.

I can see why that text convo went south.

No contact isn't possible for you so you need to let go of how you would like it to be and start working on damage control.

I find my own mother difficult so I try to access my acting skills and have short nice conversations and when I get needled I pretend it didn't happen.

Here I would put myself in my mother's shoes, and you now have two fires to put out. Her father's death and her grief about that and this text argument. I would call and say how sorry you are - even if you're not - and ask her how she is.

Worry about attending services etc later. This is not about you.

And get therapy

Thank you for the responses. I would have checked in on her more but i thought she may need some space and if I called it would upset her more being on the phone talking about it, but by the evening they was already messaging kicking off so now I feel pushed out before I even had the chance to support my mum and I'm being ignored now so how can I reach out?
I didn't argue back at any point though I just explained why I thought it was best not calling.
My sister lives a few doors down from my mum and didn't even visit our mother and no one said anything to her, I don't live near them or drive however.

You can't control anyone's actions apart from your own. Just ring her up, ask how's she is, is there anything she would like you to do and leave the conversation there. If it gets silly just politely say I didn't ring up for this I'm ending the conversation.

Doesn't matter if you're being ignored. Do what you think is the right thing.

Call and leave a message if it doesn't get picked up. Say 'hi mum, just calling to say I love you, I'm thinking of you' done.

Don't worry about their reaction, that's not in your control. The only thing you control is how you conduct yourself.

Summer,

re your comment:-
"I still keep contact though so that my children can have a relationship with the family especially as my youngest lo has no family apart from on my side"

Does your little one really have a relationship of any sort with your side of the family?. That is really not any sort of a reason, let alone good reason to remain in contact with your mother and associated siblings (who all seem to not want to rock the boat to become a target for your mother. They also all appear to far more favoured than you are because you are the family's scapegoat).

I feel for your niece here but she will be influenced by the people nearest to her, her parents in particular.

Its not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as your mother. If a parent/relative is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your kids too. Your MH is far more important than remaining in any form of contact with these toxic people. I would urge you to deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through therapy. These people (particularly your brother) would have found fault no matter how you acted because you are the scapegoat for their inherent ills. Cease knocking yourself out for your family members because they are not and will not ever do the same for you.

Do read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride and have a read of/post on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Thank you for the advice everyone, I ended up calling mum and it went okay, we spoke for quite a while. I don't think I'll ever forgive my brother for starting animosity on a day which should be about our Grandad though.
And @AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for understanding, my youngest lo doesn't have much of a relationship with them mainly because of Coronavirus restrictions so she's not use to them. I always have that guilt if I make her life just consist of me and her dad and how that could affect her later in life, I think I worry more because I didn't have many family growing up either and always wished I did when I couldn't turn to my mum, but yes I agree they could impact her negatively anyway by being involved.
I've been thinking about trying therapy tbh, I don't know which ones are good though, do you know of any websites I can do this with?
Okay thank you so much

First of all, so sorry for what you are going through. I too have a narcissistic mother and it's one of the hardest things to cope with especially when your siblings are all on her good side and you're the only one who isn't! (My mother dislikes me and my partner and makes it very clear. She uses my siblings as well to get at me)

My best advice? Say your piece via text if that's what you want to do. If that's the best way you feel to communicate with her, don't feel pressured to call her, there is a reason you don't call her.
As much as what she is going through is very sad- you have to also put yourself and your mental health first and handle it however is best for you. Lay down your boundaries with everyone in the family and you can't be fairer than that especially as you have good reason.

It took me so long to realise that I don't have to be at my mums beck and call, and if my siblings truly care- they wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. Last time I called my mum it ended in total disaster so I won't do it anymore. Not for any reason.

I understand it's hard as you want to stay in contact with them. It's the worst situation. But honestly, my best advice is just get through it any way you can without feeling pressured- that is what narcissistic people live for.

My love and thoughts are with you, stay strong x

I didn’t read the whole of your original message.

But honestly if your DM is so toxic, I think the more distance the better, including your DD.

I have a toxic mother too and it’s sad and difficult to deal with.

Maybe some therapy for a while once COVID lockdown over? I’m thinking of it myself ...

Sorry I see you have been thinking of finding a therapist. BACP have a website I think. Find someone you “gel” with. Look around at options, and spend first session or two seeing if they are a “fit” for you. You might be lucky first time or you might have to see a few to begin with.

I'm glad it went ok. Don't feel pressured and I think therapy is a great step. It might help you decide if NC is the way forward or better boundaries.

I'm sorry for your loss

Yes, I am also sorry for your loss.

I remember losing my grandmother OP. I couldn’t go to funeral because of practical reasons. I was grieving, but my grieving —feelings— ignored by DM, but looking back it was always so.

If you're still here OP, I do recommend a book "You're Not Crazy, Its Your Mother" by Danu Morrigan.

She's an Irish writer who writes in a really down-to-earth, simple and accessible - but absolutely intelligent and insightful way about this kind of subject (daughters of narcissistic mothers). Not one word or page is wasted. (Having said that I do ignore all her EFT tapping stuff which I think is a load of twaddle).

For various reasons, I was re-reading her book tonight and thought, wow, she really gets it. Its soooooo much better than the comparable American psychobabble ones I've bought.

All the best, its hard at times I know x

Thank you so much everyone and for the advice. Sorry to hear you've been in those situations too. It helps to hear from other people that understand, people that have a "normal loving parent or family" shall we say, don't fully understand why we get to the point we do. It's all give and no take until we start to make boundaries and then we're the selfish ones. I always get worried to get too close because it makes everything start up again, so it's hard to know what's best to do in a situation when a mutual family member is lost.
I'm going to have a look at the books you guys have recommended and check out the website for therapy xx

Toxic, abusive parents never change because they don't accept there is anything wrong with their behaviour.

I put distance between me and my parents and moved to a different country. We maintained a distant and superficial contact hardly ever meeting and it was just a pretend relationship. Until I just had enough and wanted them out of my life completely. I did this to save my mental and physical health. I was becoming suicidal with the combination of having to deal with childhood/teenage memory of abuse and having to deal with my mother worsening mental health. There was almost no dilemma, I just had to do it.

My only regret is that I did not walk out of their lives when I turned 18 and cut contact with them then.