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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friendship with brother in law gone down hill!

23 replies

SmileAndSmile · 25/01/2021 21:45

Hi.I'm not sure if I should be posting this on here or general chat so sorry if it's supposed to be posted elsewhere!
Long story short,my husband has a few brother's and I have always got on with all of them.There is one brother who was going through a rough patch and I did what I could to help him.I even used to buy food that would help him recover.(He had health problems)At that time I felt we grew closer as friends.
Something's changed now,it's like he's avoiding me.I live far away from my own family so only have DH and his family here and I am quite family orientated which is why I try and see DH's family members on a regular basis...well before lockdown anyway!!
I have asked the brother in law but he said nothing!I'm only upset because I felt like I had made a friend in my brother in law but now he's just not bothered and ignores me.

I should ignore it and act like it doesn't bother me and I do but always wonder why he went on quite on me.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 25/01/2021 22:20

Maybe he fancies you. Maybe your DH or MIL has said something to him.

Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 25/01/2021 22:25

No I know my MIL hasn't said anything to him as she's always asking me how he is etc.DH wouldn't have said anything to him as there is no need to.He ignores my messages so I doubt he fancies me.

OP posts:
Nomoreporridge · 25/01/2021 22:34

I think he may have feelings for you. Especially if you’ve been close recently and he’s suddenly cooled things.

Maybe he’s ignoring your messages because he realises his feelings are inappropriate and unrequited?

Or maybe he’s just rude!

I wouldn’t make a big deal of this. Either way, it won’t do any good. He’ll either deny there’s a problem or will feel embarrassed and awkward.

Best strategy is just to accept the distance, but remain on friendly terms.

sunnyzweibrucken · 25/01/2021 23:18

I think he has feelings for you. Someone that I was friends with started treating me in a similar way and eventually came out that he had feelings for me. His way of dealing with it was to treat me badly, distance himself etc.

Dery · 25/01/2021 23:27

Another one here who thinks he has developed feelings for you or thinks he is at risk of doing so and is therefore distancing himself. Which is the most responsible thing to do in the circumstances. Take your cue from him. For whatever reason, he thinks it’s appropriate to take a step back from your friendship and it’s very likely that he is doing so out of respect for your DH and you. As Porridge says, accept the distance but remain on friendly terms.

Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 25/01/2021 23:32

Gosh!I never had imagined that!I suppose I have no choice but to accept the distance and stay on friendly terms when I see him.Thankyou everyone.x

OP posts:
Lumene · 25/01/2021 23:32

Came on to post I think he thinks you fancy him, but PPs may be right too.

Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 25/01/2021 23:46

@Lumene Oh my god I would be mortified if he thought that I fancy him!I was only being friendly.Oh wow,looks like I best bloody step back too if he might be thinking I fancy him!😂

OP posts:
whenthestarsgoblue · 25/01/2021 23:52

He's grown feelings for you - doesn't know how to act now!

Purplepinks · 26/01/2021 08:45

Is he in a relationship, or recently started dating / thinking about dating someone? I have a male friend who, when he is single, I get on really well with. As soon as he starts to be interested in a woman he gets all cold and weird with me. It's like he doesn't think he can date and be friends with me at the same time. Not sure why.

Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 26/01/2021 09:08

@Purplepinks Yes I thought that too but I did ask him if he had a girlfriend and he said no at the time.

OP posts:
Goonanooa · 26/01/2021 09:29

I came on to say he fancies you too and doesn't want to be around you as you are married to his brother.
Or, as another poster wrote, he may think you fancy him and is distancing himself.

It's one of the above.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 26/01/2021 09:30

Agree that maybe he’s developed feelings for you and has decided he needs to put a stop to them by withdrawing. Best to step back

FreezerBird · 26/01/2021 09:37

Another possibility is that he feels awkward about the roles you were previously cast in when you were supporting him through a rough patch.

Assuming he's through that now, he might be feeling all weird about him being vulnerable previously and you being in that caring role - by which I don't mean you're a 'carer' for him but when one person is vulnerable it can all be a bit one way and then feel strange negotiating how it works when the vulnerable person is now on an even keel.

My dad supported a member of our extended family for years through severe mental health difficulties. (More than a decade). When the person was well again, they were clearly very awkward around my dad and didn't know how to behave outside of the relationship they'd previously had.

Northernparent68 · 26/01/2021 09:51

@FreezerBird

Another possibility is that he feels awkward about the roles you were previously cast in when you were supporting him through a rough patch.

Assuming he's through that now, he might be feeling all weird about him being vulnerable previously and you being in that caring role - by which I don't mean you're a 'carer' for him but when one person is vulnerable it can all be a bit one way and then feel strange negotiating how it works when the vulnerable person is now on an even keel.

My dad supported a member of our extended family for years through severe mental health difficulties. (More than a decade). When the person was well again, they were clearly very awkward around my dad and didn't know how to behave outside of the relationship they'd previously had.

I expect this is the reason.
Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 26/01/2021 10:27

@FreezerBird I never thought of that either!Thankyou.x

OP posts:
Tiktaktoe · 26/01/2021 14:57

I think @FreezerBird has it.

Franticbutterfly · 26/01/2021 15:06

He might have developed feelings for you, so is keeping his distance. You'll have to respect that until he gets over it.

HelloILoveYou · 26/01/2021 16:18

In a reverse situation, I did find I developed feeling for BIL in a few years ago. It actually took me a while to realize it. Like my wonderful DH, he is kind, funny, generous, helpful, caring, etc.

Of course nothing would ever happen, but I did greatly reduce contact with him as a result.

Thesheerrelief · 26/01/2021 16:24

He may have met someone and could feel that you are sort of in the "girlfriend" space so wants a bit of distance

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/01/2021 17:00

I even used to buy food that would help him recover.(He had health problems)At that time I felt we grew closer as friends
I try and see DH's family members on a regular basis

I highly doubt he fancies you.......more likely avoiding you because you come across like a needy limpet...and you 'latched' on to him in a way that was too close for comfort for HIM!

I take it your DH has no sisters - just brothers?

KnotKnot · 26/01/2021 18:58

You'd have to ask him to know, but sometimes these things are better left rest. He may be busy with other things, something on his mind, etc. Only he knows.

My BIL appeared in a sex dream I just felt really really awful Blush Some things are best left never spoken about!!

Original poster
SmileAndSmile · 26/01/2021 19:49

@KnotKnot oh god!

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