Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex won't have kids when I'm at work,am I in the wrong?

51 replies

nating · 25/01/2021 21:09

I work part time 20 hours.
My ex doesn't work and neither does he's gf (he has 1 son with her and her 2 kids )
He pays me no maintenance and has them Saturday night (3 a month as he wants 1sat off )
I've started a new job and I'm classed as a key worker so they will be going to school.
Half term I have to work (as a new starter at my job I can't put holidays in till the following half term)
I have no childcare for the (Monday ,Tuesday and Wednesday )
I asked him could he have them as I can't stay off work on my second week.
He said
No I have them Saturdays,I will have them the Monday but that's it,I'm not your private babysitter,do what others do and work around your children.
I can't have 5 kids in here,sorry not going to happen
Take it or leave it!!

This is a man who doesn't pay a penny,doesn't work etc etc
Im not wrong here am I ?

OP posts:
Original poster
nating · 25/01/2021 23:03

They are 6 and 8.
I honestly can't stand him.
I could ask my dad but it just feels like I'm putting him out.
I hope it all works out.
I was really looking forward to this new job

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/01/2021 23:15

I really hope you get sorted. I think your ex doesn't want you to succeed so won't help out.
Maybe ask around for recommendations of childminders and hopefully a play date or two. Good luck!

BlueLikeASmurf · 25/01/2021 23:15

You need to talk to CMS. They do deduct maintenance from UC. It's not much but it is something. It's generally £7 a week if the absent parent is on benefits. That £7 a week will be better in your pocket than in his.

And what everyone else says is right. He can't claim UC without having a bank account. He's telling you porkies.

www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out CMS Maintenance Info

Longdistance · 25/01/2021 23:22

Hmm, I’ve got my suspicions he’s working. He only has them on a Saturday night, but is refusing to have them during the week 🤔 the UC and not having a bank account is complete BS.

Palavah · 26/01/2021 00:14

Go to CMS:

£7 a week and spend it something delightful or put it away and at the end of the year spend it on something extremely delightful to celebrate not being with such a piece of work any more.

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/01/2021 00:20

Reassess his arrangements. If Saturdays don’t work then don’t let him take the kids. He can have them on a weekday or he can fuck off

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 26/01/2021 00:21

Ugh. It's there a school where these men learn how to be so shit? My ex is the same. Doesn't pay a penny, used to refuse to "babysit" so I could work. He hasn't seen them at all since lockdown 1. Apparently he's not allowed Hmm

MiddlesexGirl · 26/01/2021 00:29

He's lying, you can't claim UC without a bank account.

Not strictly true though it is unusual. He could be paid via the Payment Exception Service.
And yes, £7 a week can be deducted from benefits for child maintenance.

He's a lowlife of the highest order.
Beats me how men (and it's usually men) get away with virtually abandoning their children and it's the default that the woman has no choice in the matter.

MaLarkinn · 26/01/2021 00:48

did you end the relationship?

what a cunt. hate these arsewipes!

hellywelly3 · 26/01/2021 00:55

He’s a twat. Could you have unpaid time off?

Peakypolly · 26/01/2021 01:06

Please pursue the CM claim.That small weekly amount is enough to pay for a fantastic weekend away with your DC each year (£364 pa) if you feel you don't really need it day to day.
Why should the selfish git not contribute anything when he is continuing to procreate?

BigPaperBag · 26/01/2021 19:53

I’m cross on your behalf @nating 😡😡 What a total dick. Sadly, there’s not a lot you can do except go to the CMS for your measly £7 a week, might as well 🤷‍♀️

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/01/2021 20:21

How can someone "babysit" their own DC? What an arsehole he is.

I agree about going to the CMS, better with you than with him.

Soontobe60 · 26/01/2021 20:25

Why are you taking the children over to him? He clearly doesn’t give a toss. Make him come and collect them!!!

Narniacalling · 26/01/2021 20:30

Go to cms for fucks sake
Why wouldn’t you.
Even if you only £7 per week. It’ll still be a dent in his pocket.

evenBetter · 26/01/2021 21:10

Don’t ferry the kids to his lordship, it’s his problem to find transport. So strange how he can’t work but can muster the energy to keep shagging with no contraception. 🤮

Feelinglost006 · 26/01/2021 21:21

I completely sympathise. Had the same with my ex in the very first lockdown. I had also just started a new job as a key worker (emergency services) and he was furloughed. He point blank refused to have them when I told him I would lose our home if I couldn’t work he told me they would have to go into care if we were homeless. He pays maintenance but has never had them overnight in 3 years. He rents a room in a house share ! As restrictions eased he would see them for a few hours at weekends (only on weekends he didn’t have a better offer) Christmas he spent demanding to see them and telling my eldest he hates me and I am stopping him having contact. Now we are back in lockdown we haven’t heard a peep out of him for almost a month !

sleepyhead1980 · 26/01/2021 21:24

You could try to find a local childminder. Also try talking to your new employer. Even though you haven't earned the holidays yet they may be good enough to still let you take them in advance.

kayakingmum · 26/01/2021 21:25

Maybe you could ask him to swap 3 Saturdays for the days you need him.

Flumo · 26/01/2021 21:28

My ex is exactly the same, selfish arsehole. The fact that they say babysitting when it's there own children makes me mad.

MotherExtraordinaire · 26/01/2021 21:32

@BlueLikeASmurf

You need to talk to CMS. They do deduct maintenance from UC. It's not much but it is something. It's generally £7 a week if the absent parent is on benefits. That £7 a week will be better in your pocket than in his.

And what everyone else says is right. He can't claim UC without having a bank account. He's telling you porkies.

www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out CMS Maintenance Info

Absolutely about the cm.

The uc, not quite so, if it's a joint claim, he can use her bank account.

I'm afraid as for the op, re your work, "childcare" on your time, so to speak is your responsibility. The same as its his on his days. He's assisting with 1 of the 3and though morally it's not unreasonable an expectation to he's not obligated to do so.

How will you manage wraparound care normally?
. As you're a lone parent you're entitled to bubble with a household, do you have a friend who could assist? If not, it's your dad.

Chiccie · 27/01/2021 03:38

He’s disgusting. You don’t babysit your own kids. He’s so vile. Bet you’re glad to be rid of him. Don’t drive the kids over there anymore and claim cms. My friend was in the same position. She claimed cms and lo and behold suddenly he wanted 50/50 access. Prick. Speak to your school and see what they are doing

KihoBebiluPute · 27/01/2021 03:54

He is utterly vile and you aren't unreasonable but it would be bad for the kids to be put where they aren't wanted. It is shit for them to not have a dad who leaps at the chance for more days with them at half term but you can't fix people and can't make him be a decent dad. You will need to plan for half term as if deadbeat dad didn't even exist.

WitchesGlove · 27/01/2021 21:31

How has he managed to not work for so long?

I thought the job centre were very strict these days about making people look for work.

Is he actually employable?

Maybe you should consider reporting him for benefit fraud.

SeahorseoramI · 27/01/2021 21:34

Cms. He can pay out of his benefits.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.