Am I wrong to feel sad about ex's death? DH thinks its odd!

[Spikeyplants]

I've had the odd contact with my 1st boyfriend every 2yrs or so online for birthdays- simply wishing each other well. I don't contact or think about any other ex's. Haven't met up in person with him for 18yrs. He came out years after we broke up, but we dated for 5yrs and were each others 1st loves. DH has no contact with any of his ex's, so thinks its odd that I have kept in touch with one of mine- if rarely. Maybe because it was an amicable break up, plus he was gay, I considered him more a good friend rather than a lover.

DH thinks its odd I'd even consider dialling into the funeral (covid restictions). Am I in the minority to have fond memories of my 1st love, feel saddened by his sudden death and want closure? For context I've been happily married 16yrs.

Of course it's not wrong to feel sad! I'd be sad if my first boyfriend died, and we've not been in touch for a long time. That doesn't mean I don't have lots of happy memories from our time together.

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally I’d hate it if dh was in contact with an ex. Even in those circumstances but I admit I’m a very jealous person. Probably because my ex dh left me for his ex girlfriend he’d reconnected with on Facebook.

I think it's normal to feel sad and to have some sense of grief about the death of someone who was once an important part of your life and who you cared for.

Sounds totally normal to grieve somewone who was such a big part of your life. Dial in if you want too. Is dh usually emotionally supportive?

I'd be sad if I heard my first love had died, in a "that's sad" get on with the day kind of way, but I wouldn't consider going to the funeral.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you doing it, although the fact he's gay makes a difference I think. I wouldn't like it if DH's exes turned up at his funeral.

Totally normal to feel sad, sorry for your loss - remember the happy times

Thank you for the supportive comments. If it was any other ex, I'd not be fussed at all. This ex played such a huge part of my growing up, shared so many '1sts' and was very close to my parents and family, even living with us for a time. My family ask after him often!

I do admit, if it was DH's ex, I would actually feel a bit odd about it.  Can't say why though, but maybe I am the jelous type.  DH is normally very emotionally supportive, so maybe he just feels put out or wonders why I care?

I don't think it's wrong for you in any way to grieve for your ex. As you explained he was your first love and you were both together during your formative years. Some men I guess feel a bit odd about it, maybe insecure or even feel threatened in some ways. Openness is the only way forward I think. My girlfriends ex was with her for 5 years when her children were 8 & 10 and played a huge part in fathering her children when their own paternal father never bothered or did enough. Sadly he was a drinker and after a short illness passed away. My girlfriend and her daughter went to his funeral and I was glad they were able to do that. We all have a past and hopefully a future, don't let your husbands attitude cloud or malign your feelings. If you want to go to his funeral then you must do so and don't for a second entertain any regrets about doing so. Your husband will just have to get over himself.

However you feel, they’re your feelings! No one should try to talk you out of them. If saying goodbye to someone who really mattered is important, do it. Sorry it has to be via a video link.