Verbal abuse from ex

[Tilly4321]

Married 10 years - two girls (8 and 5). Relationship always a bit dodgy - he was very controlling / I felt I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time / didn’t support me / criticised me, etc. He said he’d had enough and that he was leaving in the first lockdown, but didn’t actually leave til 7 weeks later. He’s now in a flat in the town and has the girls every other weekend and one night a week. I thought once he’d left (=got what he wanted), he’d treat me better, but it’s just as bad / worse. He msgs all the time criticising my parenting. The little occasionally bedwets - this is my fault. The older one struggles with numbers at school - my fault. He calls me awful names in these msgs. After he left, he went on Tinder and met someone - but he can’t now meet her because of Covid. I recently met someone (an old friend) and am enjoying this relationship - except that my ex is furious about it and constantly tries to sabotage it - recently through the girls. What can I do? I’m exhausted.

Reduce your contact with him and anyone close to him, keep it to the absolute minimum. Buy a cheap Pay As You Go Phone, block him on your main one and give him that number only. That way, you on,y need to look at messages when you feel strong and you can stick it on silent so he's not interrupting your day. Block him on social media. Only engage with essential aspects of conversation about the kids like pick up times, just don't respond to bullshit like it's your fault that the child bed wets. Don't tell him anything about your life. Learn how to 'grey rock' and shut down conversations. Don't rise to anything, always calm, always polite but firm. Ignore the name calling and bullshit, don't let it get to you. You know the truth. You can't change him, he won't treat you better because you are now apart but you can change who you are to reduce the impact of it significantly.

Remember, you are now free!

Block him.

Set up a parenting communication app and only communicate through that.
Have set days and times for pick up drop off.

Never share anything about your life with him. How did he know you've met someone?

Buy a cheap burner phone for your DC. He can talk to them on that.

everything candide47 said.

How does he know you're in a new relationship now?

Repeat. EVERYTHING @candide47 said. To the letter.

Print it out. Do it. Tick it off.
Check your still on the tick list weekly.
Do not deviate. Do not show him who you are. Do not engage.

Be you. Grow you. Don't try to replace him in any sense at all.

@chuffedasbuttons

Repeat. EVERYTHING *@candide47* said. To the letter.

Print it out. Do it. Tick it off.
Check your still on the tick list weekly.
Do not deviate. Do not show him who you are. Do not engage.

Be you. Grow you. Don't try to replace him in any sense at all.

👌

Thank you for your responses. I have a very supportive older sister who has said all this to me and I know it’s all right. It’s just so hard to stick to. He’s very good at drawing me in - nicely - then turns on me. I know that straightforward, assertive communication is the way to go - and I’m trying. I get so tired. I spoke to the police yesterday about the abusive msgs. Quite a helpful conversation, and I now have an incident number, and a direct line to phone if needed.
He knows I’m in a new relationship because I told him. I told him because they work in the same industry and where we live is small town. Frightened of him finding out first. I see now that that’s stupid. I am, as you say, free now - can do what I like. It’s just that free feels like the last thing I am - even though he’s gone.
Seeing a counsellor today. Thanks again

The other tip would be to keep evidence of his abuse and your calm responses. So as others said use a burner for him and keep messages.

Where he says
"Its your fault little x is still bedwetting, you are useless, blah blah blah"
You say back:
"Sorry to hear x wet the bed last night. I have been approaching this by doing, y, z. I will pick her up at x time like agreed"

So point blank ignore anything not related to the child's wellbeing specifically.

Don't tell him any of your private business, he really doesn't need to know. Also, he might think that you are telling him just to wind him up, especially if its about another man, so you don't want to give him any ammunition to say that about you. Glad you've reported it.

"He’s very good at drawing me in - nicely - then turns on me."

Trust that he sucks.

Remind yourself he sucks at his very core and occasionally he pretends to be nice.

@TheDaydreamBelievers

The other tip would be to keep evidence of his abuse and your calm responses. So as others said use a burner for him and keep messages.

Where he says
"Its your fault little x is still bedwetting, you are useless, blah blah blah"
You say back:
"Sorry to hear x wet the bed last night. I have been approaching this by doing, y, z. I will pick her up at x time like agreed"

So point blank ignore anything not related to the child's wellbeing specifically.

Yes this. You are utterly bland and literally answer as if ANYTHING designed to goad you simply didn't happen. You answer as if you didn't even hear anything not related to the children.

If he continues with the abusive messages, it might be helpful (again in bland, polite, I-don't-really-know-you-very-well-and-am-not-that-interested-in-you tone) to reply something like:

'Sorry to see that you are continuing to send abusive messages. I should let you know that I've spoken to the police about this, now have an incident number, and will be keeping all messages. It would probably therefore be helpful to you to stop sending them. I hope you feel better soon.'

Thanks again for responses. Feel a bit better today. The policewoman I spoke to on Monday msgd me several times and so in the end I went in to the Police Station and talked to her there. She read my phone msgs and said they were controlling, abusive and harassing and I could take him to court if I wanted. I said I didn’t want that. She said I could get them (the police) to go round and caution him. I wasn’t keen on that either. She said I should send him a warning msg - “The msgs you are sending are abusive and unacceptable and I will have to involve the police if they don’t stop”. She said to monitor the msgs for the next couple of weeks and to contact them again (they’ve red flagged my ‘report’’) if I want to get them involved. She said she sees a lot of this and it’s unlikely he’ll change.
Anyway, he has the girls tonight and I’m just off to see my man