Viagra

[ElsaMarie2020]

My partner secretly takes viagra & hides the tablets from me
This is really upsetting me & making me not trust him
Am I wrong to feel upset by his actions?
I’d like to know what other ladies think?
Thank you

DP takes them and never hid it from me.
Have you asked him why he did that?

If you are certain they are only being used for sex with you, then I would let it lie. Men can be very sensitive about ED issues, Viagra often helps a lot, and while it would be better if he were open with you I think I'd respect his privacy. It doesn't mean there's any less attraction to you, Viagra only helps maintain a strong erection, it does nothing to create desire.
If you suspect they are for use with another woman, it's a different thing altogether.

He is entitled to his privacy. He is also entitled to use them for his own pleasure not just for when you both are sexual. Many men use them, especially as they age. It's hardly news. It isn't about you.

If I took weight loss tablets, or had vaginal lubricant cream I would probably hide it too, I would be embarrassed and I am quite a private person.

Like the poster above said, if he is using them for sex with you I wouldn't say anything. He may just want some help with with firmness or maintaining it for longer. He may be embarrassed.

Everyone is entitled to privacy in a relationship.

@Nochristmasbreak

Totally this.
Everyone is entitled to privacy. The OP sounds quite controlling.

He's probably embarrassed, which he shouldn't be. Neither of you should be embarrassed. I think you should talk to him about it, without judgement.

When does he take them? If he's using them for extra-curricular activities, then fair enough, to be upset.

If he's using them with you, then not sure why you're upset - it's not about not being attracted to you, it's about his body not doing what he wants, presumably.

How long has he been your partner ?

There's lots of reasons he might not want you to know.
I'm thinking of the lots of threads here about ED that start with "is it me...?"

Who'd want to throw that type of doubt into their relationship?

Obviously it's preferable if both are comfortable talking openly and honestly about these things but it's not always easy and I can understand why some would want to keep it private.

eh, this isnt something i would expect any man to advertise. there's some meds i wouldn't share with my partner as i feel somethings are private. as long as the person is honest in every other way this wouldn't bother me.

My boyfriend uses it - he’s needed it since we got together. I’m glad we had honest conversations about it, and why, but otherwise it’s none of my business. I know he’s not playing away, I know the reasons why he had problems, and I know he takes them to give us a good sex life.

Here's a novel idea:

Ask him

Am I really “controlling” because I’m upset by his secretive ways?

Do you feel like he has to know everything about your medical issues? Do you have nothing you keep private or quiet about?

Do you have other reason to doubt him, has he got form for being deceitful or infidelity?

@ElsaMarie2020 how did you find out he takes them?

I genuinely feel that if you are in a serious, long term relationship then something as notable as that shouldn't be swept under the carpet. Things like using certain antidepressants, or long term effects of drug abuse, or long covid, or having put on weight quickly could all be genuine factors in struggling to get, or maintain an election. I'd start with how happy you are with your sex life, and ask how long he's been taking them, and does he want to talk to you as you'd like to understand the situation. Making it clear its not an issue. Good luck

Does it matter?

I would be upset too at the secrecy. How can you share a home, finances, kids, commit your entire life to someone and not expect that they tell you about any medical issues they are facing. If he was doing coke or uppers, and didn't tell you, you'd be upset, so taking pills for ED is similar. It is something that impacts you as it concerns your sex life. And medication can have side effects that your partner absolutely needs to and should be aware of.

However, he is likely embarrassed about it so don't have a go or he'll think you're upset about the ED. Calmly explain that you love him and just want him to be able to discuss these things freely, so you can help. I don't know how old he is but if he's a younger man, I'd want to know what the side effects are, and if they're a prescription vs OTC (there's a lot of dodgy viagra available online that can be dangerous).

Also while viagra is not physically addictive, men can become psychologically addicted to it, so you should ensure he's aware of this too and taking it under advice rather than just self medicating.

Christ, it's like you think you own the person and they can't have any privacy at all. Plus a little bti of being his mum and gp rolled into one with the side-effects advice, he's a grown-ass man.

@category12

Right.... so you don't think there are ever cases if grown ass men getting addicted to medication or alcohol or self medicating dangerously? Or sinking into depression and ODg on ADs. Not sure what kind of relationships you've had where only a parent cares about your health and well being and worries about you... that's sort of key to a loving relationship.

If you live with someone in a committed relationship, have finances, insurance age an entire life tied up in the other person, you don't get the privacy of hiding medical conditions. The same way you don't get the privacy of hiding debt. There's a reason the line 'in sickness and health' is bandied around in marriage vows - because it's a pretty relevant facet of relationships. This isn't spot cream or some superficial treatment, it's ingesting chemicals which impact HER sex life, and if they're bought online from some dodgy pharmacy could be dangerous to both of them.

Of course there are cases of grown ass people getting addictions. I'm willing to bet not one of them would have been stopped by their partner explaining the possibilities like they can't think for themselves.

You're making some huge jumps in order to justify a position of outrage.

Unless you are worried he using them to cheat on you - it’s likely he wants you to feel sex is still spontaneous. Ie not have a discussion if you are both up for it and should he take a pill.

@category12

And you're getting defensive about the issue to justify your own biases and experiences about sharing and caring in relationships. I believe that medical conditions that require prescription medication absolutely do need to be shared in relationships.

Just as I also think we need to share when we run into debt, or have lost a job, or feel the beginnings of a cold sore, or when someone's had a vasectomy, or taking steroids, or started going to church suddenly. But people run their relationships how they want, and you and have very different styles clearly. Mine works for me (and everyone I know), yours works for you.