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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please

9 replies

Gigi82 · 25/01/2021 13:52

Hi everyone, I need some advice please. I am stuck in a situation and unsure of what to do. I've been married for just over 10 years, but known him for about 15 years. Since we have been married he hasn't had a job or hasnt tried to get one as much as I have asked. I've always been the one who is working, we have 2 children, always gone back after mat leave whether I wanted to or not. He looks after children whilst I'm at work, and he is very good with them. But to be constantly told I don't know how to look after them or I dont care about them is awful as it wasn't my choice to not stay at home and look after them. My husband has been physically abusive as well as verbally. Whilst pregnant he called me fat and ugly, I was breastfeeding and exhausted as I had to go to work and used to snore so he once woke me up by slapping my face so hard my contact lens ripped in my eye. This was about 5 years ago. Since then its been mainly verbally abusive, alot of swearing, telling me I dotn care about the children. He will also tell me I smell, I dress to attract attention, I'm ugly. Our first night out without the children was about 2 years ago, we went a bar with friends, night ended with him shouting at me, coming home and he started punching my head because he was so drunk. Husband also smokes weed every evening, which I pay for as he doesn't have any other means too. Sometimes things between are nice but its also marred by the horrible things he then says. Sometimes after an days outburst he follows up the next day by making me breakfast in bed? its very confusing? When my mum passed away he only attended the funeral, didn't go and visit my dad with me during the days leading up to the funeral, but as soon as his friends aunt passed he was there the same day to pay his respects? I'm sorry for the rant but I am very confused as you can probably tell, any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2021 14:01

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He absolutely needs to be out of your home and life; have you ever considered divorcing him?. Your salary is partly also going towards his weed addiction; you're further enabling him by doing that. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and helps no-one.

You are in an abusive relationship with your husband and your only real option going forward is to divorce him. This is also no relationship model to be showing your children; they could well start copying his behaviours towards you. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. He is certainly not good with his children if he treats you as their mother with such a level of disdain and contempt. This man hates women, all of them. You've had to go back to work because he has actively refused to do so.

Such people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world so I was not all that surprised about his behaviour re his friends late aunt.
Abusers can also be "nice" sometimes but the nice/nasty cycle he shows you here is a continuous one. He shouting at you one day then making you breakfast in bed the next is all a part of this nice/nasty cycle. This sort of coercive control gives the abuser's target spaghetti head.

Are you in the UK?. If so there are organisations out there like Womens Aid who can and will help you if you ask for this.

Itstimetoquit · 25/01/2021 17:13

Omg you need to get out and get the kids out,this is not a relationship it's abuse !

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/01/2021 17:23

There is only one thing to do. Give up your job and get yourself to a refuge asap.
There you will be able to go onto benefits and get legal aid to get a divorce and an injunction.
Do what the hell you must do to get you and your children away from this abusive arsehole.
You will have to give up your job or he may get custody of the kids.
I've done just this, it's frightening and its a big step but you can resume your career after the divorce.

Palavah · 25/01/2021 17:25

Please contact Women's Aid or Refuge www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

They can help you and your children to get somewhere safe.

Original poster
Gigi82 · 31/01/2021 19:49

Many thanks to everyone who has kindly replied. Please can I ask why you have suggested to give up my job and go on benefits?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gigi82 · 31/01/2021 19:51

I know I need to get our, I dont why I am not going and whats stopping me? Maybe I'm just scared of the change??

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 31/01/2021 19:55

Change is better than living with the permanent threat of violence.
What example are you giving your children?

You are risking your life by staying.

KirstenBlest · 31/01/2021 19:56

@Gigi82, just in case you missed that:
You are risking your life by staying

Jesskir89 · 31/01/2021 23:07

Op please leave this awful man and do not doubt yourself by any of his words. Providing for your family as well as his addiction and the thanks you get is verbal and physical abuse? If my dh ever punched me or slapped me there's no doubt in my mind he would be gone! Never understood why my mum put up with it from her ex and its made me realise I couldn't. Hope you're ok x

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