I think my marriage is over

[Boymum99]

I am looking for advice on how you stayed strong and ended a marriage. My husband and I met 10 years ago and started off as friends. I was not long out of a long term relationship and felt so flattered by the attention. He literally swept me off my feet spoiling me and showering me with love. I remember from the day he proposed I had doubts as although he was a lovely person I was not attracted to him. Everyone told me I was crazy to have doubts as he was perfect and we got married within a year and I fell pregnant. We now have 2 children together (boys) who adore their dad. It would break their heart for him to leave which is the hardest part for me.

Anyway everything changed when we got married and had children. I felt like a single mum as my husband worked 7 days a week and I was left at home with 2 under 2’s. We then started arguing a lot and as the years went on it has intensified. If I am honest, I feel so much resentment towards him. I suffered terrible PND with my 2nd child and had zero support from him.

To keep me sane I built a life of my own taking up running and spending time with my friends for company as I was so lonely in the house. Then last year I was the victim of a horrific accident. While out running I was knocked over and left critically ill. It’s been this event that has made me realise life is to short to be unhappy, I spent weeks in hospital while my mum looked after my 2 children not their dad. They moved in with her and when I got out I was in a wheelchair unable to walk. My husband was still not their for me and continued to go to work while my sister took unpaid leave from work to care for me and my children. We are in a good financial position and also hired a nanny 2 days a week. I felt so hurt that it was not my husband helping but being honest it was also a relief as we do not get on and I could not imagine being with him 24/7.

Anyway my husbands continues to work 6 days a week and I dread his day off as it is the most stressful day of my week and we usually spend it arguing. I long to be on my own and go to bed most nights at the same time as my children and watch Netflix in bed.

Anyway, I really just can’t go on like this but I am terrified of how I will manage on my own. My children adore their dad and will be heartbroken. I have also been left with long term health issues and am classed as disabled so being a single mum to a 7 and 5 year old feels so scary but I can’t live my life so unhappy. My husband is not a bad person and loves our children. He is just in my view very selfish when it comes to me. I reject him sexually which I think adds to the issue but I have no attraction to him whatsoever.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I am just looking for some support as I am terrified. I know this is going to be hard and heartbreaking but I really can’t see any other way out.

I am sorry you are in this position but glad you are clear about what you want. Speak to a solicitor, if you haven't already. You've had a tough time and come through a lot. It's reasonable to be scared but take one thing at a time and you will cope.

Thanks. I just can’t carry on being so unhappy but it is such a terrifying decision. I have never felt so scared. My husband said I have ruined his life and I feel so guilty but I can’t carry on like this.

Sounds like you have had a tough couple of years, putting it mildly. I wonder, what is stopping you from going to bed early and watching Netflix? I do exactly that, works fine for me!

You say that you long to be on your own, and yet your main complaint seems to be that your DP hasn’t been around enough. If you could live amicably as friends without arguing, would that be enough for you? Would it be enough for him?

You are facing something scary, it will be less frightening if you start to break the problem into smaller chunks to tackle. What things will improve, and what things will get worse? Will you and DP have to sell the home so you can share the asset value? How will life change for the kids - do you think they will see less of their dad, or about the same?

Have you figured out where you will live, are you able to move in permanently with your mum for example? Have you thought about finances, child support, etc?

Have you thought about timing ? It might be hard managing a separation during a national lockdown. Perhaps first step is to get some counselling to help the pair of you decide how to manage the end of the relationship without lots of bland, bitterness, anger and arguing, which is unpleasant for the kids as well as you.

His life isn't more important than yours and you can't stay in a relationship just to make him happy. I imagine your sons adore their dad because he is so rarely there. I also think your boys would benefit if they saw a positive role model, if they adopted their dads way of living (job over everything and everyone) they will also end up as divorced fathers.

Does your H need to work 6 days a week, or is this status and money that drives him? Will he be an involved dad when you separate?

Men like him tend not to be able to live alone for long so be aware he may move on quickly, find a woman who he will quickly use to provide the home base he needs. Then it will be the same as you experience now.

I think if he wasn't able to focus on you at a time of crisis he will never change. I imagine he views himself as a wonderful provider and he believes money is the only goal in life..he may learn it isn't but some people never learn that lesson.

Your children will be fine they can still see there dad,stay strong x

You do need to split. Both of you are clearly miserable as hell.

Doesn’t sound like it’s a barrel of laughs for him either. Perhaps he would welcome an honest chat. Just be careful. Divorce can be a harsh reality.

Well I am not at all surprised you feel the way you do, you had a terrible and from the sounds of it life threatening accident and instead of waking your husband up to what’s important in life, being there for you/caring for you he carried on just as he always has done and let everybody else pick up the pieces - HIS PIECES!!! That’s pretty unforgivable, and in your position I would be very resentful of that too.

I think what you need to do is to figure out how you see your future, what do you imagine? Do you see yourself in a house alone with your DC’s, will he be a weekend dad, will he bother to take time away from work to see/spend time with them? Because it will require a totally new effort on his behalf because you won’t all just be there when he gets home and convenient for him. Will this mean that you will be shouldering all of the childcare responsibilities (though it seems like you already have this), will he support you financially in regards to maintenance for the children, will he be fair in the splitting of assets going through the divorce. Divorce is very challenging and you will need to prepare emotionally and mentally for the turmoil it will bring, you will also need to prepare financially, I don’t know how you handle finances right now, but it’s worth while putting some money aside just in case he becomes really difficult regarding finances. What support will you have, will your family support you while you go through this, your going to need people to lean on especially when things get tough, it is a tough road but you can do it.

Your DC probably look like they adore their dad because they crave his approval, he is rarely home so him being there and giving them his attention is a big deal. You are are the safe rock who is always there. IME there's nothing like lack of attention or abandonment to make a child champion and worship an absent parent.

Do yout hink your H will cut up rough and demand full custody ort he like out of spite? Will your DM or DS be able to help support you. I agree about getting legal advice and making sure you are getting and know about all the benefits (e.g. PIP) that you could be entitled to. Can you keep your house or willl you want to be closer to your mum or sister?

Plan and get your ducks in a row. It often takes someone several attempts before they leave a marraige but doing planning and knowing your options will make it easier.

You have really been through the mill. Stay strong and get your plans in place.

You say you can’t imagine being on your own but you already are! Plus the downside of the arguing day!! You’re getting zero out of this relationship. If he can’t be there when you almost died then what’s the point!! You might as well be single, not arguing and able to think about rebuilding your life. Go for it. Be brave.

Making the decision is the hardest part. It will honestly get better. Yes the kids will be sad, but kids are very resilient. Focus on being amicable and putting them at the focus of your decisions. They will be ok. Divorced happy parents are better than miserable married parents.

I'm so sorry to hear your story @Boymum99 It sounds like you've been through a terrible time, clearly with no support from the one person you should expect it from. I recognise a lot of myself in your post. I also had doubts the day he proposed, hadn't long been out of my previous relationship where kids were not an option but they were with this one, so maybe I rushed in with the thoughts of family life. I have also felt like a single mum for years, and it's always just me and the kids on trips out to the park, me playing in the garden with them, me doing stuff for them at home etc, while he watches football or listens to his music or whatever. Yes I could tell him to join in and pull his weight, but it's more enjoyable just me and dc now, so I'd rather leave him to it and be out of his way. But like your dc, they love their dad and would not see why mum wants to throw everything into chaos for them.
I've also started running, just to get away! But omg I am really sorry to hear about your accident And yes, it would also have been up to my mum to look after the kids. I go to bed at the same time as my kids too (saying that though, midnight at the moment!) And me and dh don't have sex.
This all adds up to total misery for me and for you OP. And I know the option of trying to make a better life is terrifying, but I think it's the only one either of us can take. It's that or put up with what we've got. I'm so sorry than I'm not really giving you any advice, but wanted to let you know you're not alone. How much can you do in terms of your injuries? Would you need help? x

I agree with @tootysweety.

I can't believe the posts saying things must be just as bad for OP's DH...that's crazy. the man is never around, didn't care for is injured wife or take care of his own children while she was laid up. he's got the easy life working 6 days a week.

Thanks so much everyone for all your support. My gut feeling is telling me I need to go as I do not want to live a life of unhappiness. I however feel so terrified to put it into practise which I know is pathetic. I have started seeing a councillor around my PTS after my accident but the session is always dominated by my relationship issues. She has agreed to do some couple sessions and I think I need to uses these to agree the path forward without fighting. The only issue is that my sessions are currently not happening due to covid.

It’s really draining me and I m now waking up during the night stressed about my marriage and not able to go back to sleep. Sleep deprivation and the arguing are sinking me into a deep dark depression and I have started to wonder why I survived my accident to live such an unhappy life. I see other families on Facebook sharing outings and am so jealous as it has always been me on my own doing these things.

I do need to start planning my future finances. I currently manage all our money/bills and have a decent job so could afford to pay our mortgage unaided. I however would not have the money to buy him out of his share of the equity. My husband has a very successful business and my gut feeling thinks that he would provide for his children. He works like crazy but not because he needs the money but more so in my view as he is addicted to the power / financial gain. The money side does scare me as for the last 10 years I have not had to budget but I have always been sensible and have built up my own savings and spent years managing my own money before we got married.

Thanks again as it is so nice to read your messages and get support. All my friends are happily married and I don’t have many close friends that I feel I could share this with.

If you've had more than one session with your counsellor then they should not be planning couples therapy- that's not ethical OP.
I wouldn't enter into therapy with him unless you want to try and make it work.
He sounds awful and you leaving will be an act of self preservation. It sounds like you will have great support from your mum and sister. Go for it, life is too short.
See a solicitor, get some info and start making plans.

The decision about ending your marriage sounds very similar to mine. A slow burn, generally findfing it not enough, young dc taking up your time and then finding a release though something else.
I suffered a trauma and developed depression and during my counselling sessions I realised my partner was not really my partner and like you, the sessions revolved mainly around my unhappiness in my marriage
As I was trying to work through this, I also had illness (not as serious as yours) and H just trundled off to work leaving me with the kids to sort too whilst I was sick with pain and unable to walk.
That was the realisation I needed, he actually didn't care about me.
We separated. I'm happier without him and I don't miss him at all.
He's a poor dad, he's no idea how to parent and that frustrates the hell out of me. He will step up if I ask / tell him but I can't he bothered a lot of the time.
He has the dc one night a week (at most)
Is more money orientated than ever yet asks the kids for money for my presents and now has a new partner.
So I'm out of the other side of your situation (well not divorced yet)
You can do this.
I advise speaking to a few solicitors, getting a couple of sessions at relate (for you only)
What is the atmosphere like at home? Is it manageable? Do you speak? Argue?
How long is the situation manageable for? Only you know that.
You can do this

Thanks so much for the replies. Livandme your story sounds so familiar and it’s so nice to read that you have made the difficult choice and are now happier. I so wish I had your courage.

The weekdays are bearable as he works long hours and I go to bed early to avoid him. I sleep in a separate room now and have did this since coming out of hospital although I have sex with him a couple of times a week as I feel obliged which is shocking of me I know.

He typically works at least one day at the weekend and I always prefer that day compared to his day off. He was off today and I woke up full of dread. We were arguing before 8.30 when he asked if we could have sex tonight and I replied “I don’t know”, let’s see how the day goes”. This was me apparently being a bitch. He made my full day hell and I ended up taking the boys to the park myself just to get away, then when I came home he tried to kiss me as if nothing happened. When I pushed him away he started huffing, he is super sensitive and loves throwing tantrums. In his view he is the victim. I explained it is hard to have any physical feelings after a day of fighting / crying. He said he can’t help it if I am depressed. His view is I am depressed purely because of my accident and he has no part in that. Yes, my accident has caused great pain as I can’t run and walk with a stick which is heartbreaking however I also know I am depressed as my marriage is so awful.

I just don’t know why I am so terrified to throw him out. I can not imagine spending my life with him and regret that we ever got together right now. I have no sexual feelings or attraction towards him and avoid intimacy.

The pandemic not helping as they are no where to run to with hotels and everywhere shut. My mum is a great help but her husband is awful so I would never get a bed in their house if I needed to escape. My sister lives in Canada so not on hand to help. She however is always at the end of the phone and one of the few people who has witnessed what my husband is really like when she stayed with me. Everyone else thinks he is this lovely hard done by guy. His mum spoiled him and worship the ground he walks on as he was her only son and his dad died when he was 7.

You story rings a lot of bells with me. I let a similar situation, very recently, after years of realising that my ex partner is a selfish, uncaring bully. He put every obstacle in my way, but I am now free of him. You have one life. All I would say is that after spending many years taking his crap, and trying to protect my 2 children from it my son is 18 and has gone to live with him. Disappointed does not come near how I feel. My only advice would be end it as soon as you can, its easier when the children are younger and you re clearly done. Good luck x

Do you think your dh also regrets the marriage?
Have you had a conversation about your relationship?

Currently I'm having back problems and no way would my dh huff and puff if I didn't want sex.
That's pretty selfish behaviour.
And calling you a bitch is appalling.
Do you call him names when you argue?
The situation sounds toxic.

You need to decide what action you're going to take.
Perhaps look at rented accommodation if your dh won't leave.

How are you op x

I think you need to tell him it’s over and start to sort out logistics eg are you going to stay, he leaves or do you sell the house and both get somewhere new? It’s horrible feeling obliged to have sex, I think you should stop doing that.

The kids will probably see their dad more if you leave. Every other weekend (or whatever) he'll have to spend time with them rather than working all the time.

Also do it feel obliged to have sex with him. I love my partner and even I don't have sex multiple times in a week.

Calling you a bitch, coercing you into sex, saying you ruined his life all sounds abusive.

OP,
He sounds like a bully and a sex pest.

You do NOT owe him sex.

Get copies of all financials and get a shit hot lawyer to protect you.

Your marriage to this selfish pig is dead.

Don't look back.

He will still be a father to his children but you won't have the misery of sharing a house with such a pig.

His behaviour after your accident means you owe him NOTHING.

Make your pland and get the hell away.