Asking my mum for the answers

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all

So basically cutting a long story short, well bullet points:

⚫️ My youngest daughter took her first steps yesterday at my parents whilst I wasn't there.
⚫️ I cried, quite upset that I missed that milestone - I am on my period too. Hubby was gutted but didn't cry lol he thought it was a joke
⚫️ I kissed her etc and said she's never going anywhere again so I don't miss anything
⚫️ my sister and mum cried saying how they wouldn't throw me out the house forever
⚫️ I said I was upset, don't invalidate my feelings of missing that milestone as I'm not yours. Everyone is entitled to feel the way they want to and I didn't mean it
⚫️ my mum took the piss and said 'there are loads of things I could say about you'

Anyway we got out pretty sharp after. I text and said Thankyou for having them. She didn't reply which I knew she wouldn't but least I couldn't have an accusation of not saying that.

This comment 'there's loads of things I can say about you' - shall I ask her what she means? Shall I say come on get it off your chest??

As you can see I'm not the nicest person in the world and seem to upset everyone wherever I go. Even after coming back from hospital to miscarry at home I got a phone call saying how much I'd upset my sister. My cousin has a miscarriage and it was 'awful'. Not sure if anyone knows but miscarriages are worse for different people you know, grief and the hurt is measured on the person. Well from the way my mum went on you would think. Basically I shouldn't have upset them.

I just want to add, I've asked hubby what is wrong with me, what I can't see? He said she was in the wrong and could of handled it better better and been empathetic.

God I don't even know where my life is going at the minute 😩

Your mum shouldn't have told you. She should have just left it for you to discover it for yourself!

I mean about the baby taking first steps

What was it like for you growing up in that house?. I would think it was not good at all for you. It seems that you are not allowed to be at all upset by life nor to "upset" anyone least of all your mother and sister who seem to act as one and the same.

It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. You seem like their scapegoat for all their inherent ills and your sister appears to be far more favoured. I would seriously consider further lowering all levels of contact with your family of origin as well as keeping your children away from them. What is your dad doing here; I ask only as there is no real mention of him apart from the word "parents".

Thankyou

I cannot believe from a few bullet points you have understood me.

I was expecting people to take the piss tbh for crying about the first steps but this is a baby that I thought wouldn't live. Who I thank for living so everything is a big deal that she does to me!

I did say you could have taken it to your grave and I would have never known. Are her first steps all ruined now???

My sister and mum are like the same people, they go on girlie holidays and all that. She's 24, still lives at home, doesn't work - parents support her. My dad abused me but not my sister. Physically - beating and spitting at me and in my face and verbally. I did tell my mum but she told me we wouldn't have anything without him - he's a millionaire and that basically what did I do to start it. That's a different story though but growing up I was on my own. That's why I got a job at 14, studied hard, bought a house, got married and had my own little family to get out of it. My sister doesn't need to work or pay bills does she? To me she's a scrounger and I've told her so. I wasn't popular for that but it's true. I also said (no offence or wishes on my parents) that she isn't sitting in that house for nothing when they pass away as she can pay to run it and the huge council tax bill so she best get a contingency plan - her response was she'll use her inheritance. Waster. Anyway that's going off topic...

I have in the past three months distanced myself ALOT. I don't ring her now. If I do I try once. I will return her missed call once, I don't try again later. If she rings I pick up but that's it.

Hubby thinks I'm going mad as I stand and talk to the washing whilst I'm folding it 😂🙈🙈

Also regarding the ringing that is also the same with my sister xx

Also I think she's a bit narcissistic, she would have the children off me in a heartbeat. She hates not being in control of them.

But one thing is for certain, I guard them like a mummy tiger and she fucking hates it. Tough titty

You have a fairly toxic family of origin OP and it's coming to a head. Sounds like you have done your best to maintain the relationships over the years. You might find this harder to do as time goes on.
You are not difficult or unpleasant as you seem to think you are. You are hurt and confused. And you have been, and are still, treated badly. Your feelings and grief are real and completely understandable.
Your mum is dismissing your feelings for her own reasons, it's not you, it's her. Maybe because she prioritises her financial security and doesn't want to rock the boat. It's probably complicated. Whatever, you deserve better. This isn't parenting by her.

Be prepared for a rough ride. Your DH understands and has your back. It's really hard to be strong and find your feet. You have done SO WELL so far, finding your independence and freedom from them.
You'll find good support on MN. Lots of others have been through similar.

What was the situation that made it uncertain the baby would survive?

Your family sounds toxic, but you need to deal with them better. Why was your mum looking after the child anyway? She didn't look after you. Get some counselling and go very low contact.

It sounds awful OP, but why was your baby spending time alone with them in the first place? If my Dad had treated me like yours treated you then my children would never ever cross the threshold of his home, no matter what.

There seems to be a lot of toxic drama and 'he said, she said' going on here between grown adults. The only way to extricate yourself from it is to take a step back and live your own life. Good luck x

Hi

I had twins and one was very low birth weight and had no fat. They were struggling to keep her warm despite trying everything. Funnily enough her temp did go up half a degree skin to skin with me with three of those warm huge blankets on top after a couple of hours - mummy talent 😂😂😂. So they replaced them with warm blankets and eventually she did stabilise but I've never seen hubby break down like that. Especially as she was just like bones. She wasn't the smallest baby ever born but 3lb and a scary time. My mum likes to remind me she knows how I feel as she was told my sister was going to die as she had pre eclampsia badly so I just say 'I know'. I personally still think she shifts it all about her but as soon as she does that she knows I will shut up

The thing is I am his step child, I'm the outsider and was the rebellious/independent teenager that thought I knew the world. My sister never had or still has friends or a bf. I was popular at school - people called for me every night so I was out a lot. Now I have 3 sets/groups of close friends that I can count on if i called on them in the middle of the night. My sister said 'people think your so good standing there laughing' - this was at a family party. She then said she didn't mean it but it has stuck with me

Anyway I made sure I finished the conversation I left an answer phone message as I knew she wouldn't answer the phone if I rang. She's going to claim that 'she was too upset' anyway I didn't apologise I just said I wanted to tell her how I felt and wanted her to listen and not upset her. She hasn't messaged or anything. I'm upset and hubby knows but he said just concentrate on us

One other thing she said as well was 'your children have no other outside family but us' and that is true and that makes me feel awful that our children have no extended family just because of me. Well close extended family anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

"One other thing she said as well was 'your children have no other outside family but us' and that is true and that makes me feel awful that our children have no extended family just because of me. Well close extended family anyway"

Its not you, its them. It is absolutely NOT because of you that your children have no extended family. Its not your fault your family are this bloody dysfunctional. Your children as well as you need to keep well away from such dysfunctional emotionally unhealthy people going forward. No good to you will come of remaining in any form of contact with them. Keep distancing yourself and do not get dragged into any of their dramas.

@AtLastEarwax

Also I think she's a bit narcissistic, she would have the children off me in a heartbeat. She hates not being in control of them.

But one thing is for certain, I guard them like a mummy tiger and she fucking hates it. Tough titty

Is it really in the children’s best interests to be left with his women?

Well my mum messaged me same old crap. How I ruined her weekend, I did nothing wrong to you, all I do is love you and look after you all

I didn't reply because tbh there is nothing new I can say

I ruined her weekend. I refuse to apologise though so what can I do?

Flip reverse, they ruined my weekend too!!!