I slept with someone when we broke up, I didn’t realise that I was getting back with my ex but I did eventually and I told him a couple of days ago because I wanted to have an honest relationship

[Yesus339]

First of all I know that I’m completely at wrong and I really should have waited. It was my first year at university and within the first week at uni my boyfriend and I spent it in hospital because I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I went back university and I had completely missed the social stage as it was a month or so after university had started. I was trying way too hard to get people to like me by drinking large quantities and going out clubbing late. I accidentally at one club borrowed some guys £500 jacket and ended up spending the whole evening trying to find it (I don’t even know why I borrowed it in the first place- in guessing because it was the nearest to me?). However I was incredibly pissed and ended up going back to his house not really remember much except for me trying to get away from this guy - I have memories of trying to run away from him. Long story short, I spent the evening in his bed but NOTHING happened at all. I woke up in the morning and realised I had texted my boyfriend saying “help me” countless times. I straight away ordered a taxi and left the guys place. I instantly told me boyfriend what had happened and he ended up, understandably, breaking up with me. I was so so upset with him, I thought he’d trust me and understand that I was incredibly in love with him and that we had recently gone through something that adults would’ve found difficult (I was 19 at the time). My friend’s were telling me that I might as well live my life and I really wasn’t expecting for him to take me back. I went clubbing every night after and ended up bumping into the guys 4 nights later. We had a conversation and we decided to get pizza and watch friends at his house, some reason it escalated and we ended up fooling around (we didn’t have sex). I left in the morning only to find that my boyfriend had started to message me. I missed him so so much so I thought that maybe it was my chance to get him back. In the long run we got back together a couple of weeks later and we’re incredibly happy for year. But I felt incredibly guilty about doing stuff with that guy so I thought that being honest to my boyfriend about him would really help improve my relationship and I hated the idea of having a long term relationship (hopefully getting married someday) and my boyfriend not knowing. His reaction to this was obviously awful, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to get him back. I’ve been in utter agony the past few days because I know I’ve caused him pain and I hate that. I’m meeting up with him later today to discuss it and I have no clue what I should say or do to win him over. Bearing in mind we’ve had a perfect year where we have been together and it hasn’t been rollercoaster-y and the guy from those nights really meant nothing to me. My boyfriend now thinks that I cheated on him too, I’m really not the person to cheat and I really didn’t but he has that in his mind now. I know this is so messed up but he means the world to me and he’s asking me why he should take me back and I really need some help!

What you did when you were single is your own business so he should get over it

It's all too much for a 20 year old university student relationship. You should be having fun. I say that as someone who is happily married to someone I met at university. Just tell him the absolute truth. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't feel you are at a disadvantage or need to make anything up to him. If he tries to use this in any way, and from what you say he is, dump him and have some fun!

I think you need to sit him down, make him watch FRIENDS till the part where Ross and Rachel split up. If he sides with Ross (which guys invariably do) then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on because basically you pulled a Ross on him.

Anyway, seriously, do you really want him? I mean if you fooled around with jacket guy (and why did you steal his jacket unless subconsciously you liked him?) are you sure you don’t like jacket guy?

Is your boyfriend just a safe bet?

Also, I hate to sound all sensible like, but where’s the social distancing in all this???

You didn't cheat, you had broken up.

You had gone through a traumatic pregnancy loss and were binge-drinking and stressed and doing what countless people do when they're drunk and unhappy, looking for comfort and validation in the wrong places.

Be kind to yourself.

And for gods sake, don't go begging after your boyfriend. You behaved in suboptimal ways at times, but it's really not good to create a power dynamic where you're the "bad one" to be forgiven and crawling.

Either he believes you or he doesn't. Don't make yourself a doormat.

You went back and watched Friends? Surely that tells you everything you need to know "we were on a break" doesn't cut it.....

Sorry but I've shouldn't be this difficult so young. Maybe time to move on.

PS. I’ve just seen you watched Friends at Jacket Guy’s house. I’m beginning to like the sound of him.

You’re young. There’s not much fun to be had at the moment. Stable boyfriend seems a bit dull.

You behaved in suboptimal ways at times

Haha love this. I feel like this is my life!

I think you need to sit him down, make him watch FRIENDS till the part where Ross and Rachel split up. If he sides with Ross (which guys invariably do) then he doesn’t have a leg to stand on because basically you pulled a Ross on him.

Best advice ever

Oh christ either he likes you enough to get over it or he doesn't or he might not be ready now, but will be six months. One thing is certain needy is never attractive and actiins speak louder than words.

Just to clarify this was 2019! So we weren’t in the pandemic yet! :)) also jacket guy was literally a carbon copy of my boyfriend. They looked identical...

Right, so you told him to make yourself feel better, a year on. What were you hoping for ?

Oh, you watched friends. 🍿 So a wind-up thread. Sigh.

I don't think you did anything wrong, and your boyfriend seems awfully quick to break up with you over not very much. The first incident sounds as if you were in a scary situation and asking your boyfriend for help which wasn't forthcoming. The second time, you'd broken up. He's being a git holding either one over you, why are you blaming yourself and not getting fed up with his attitude?

Oh no please don’t be a wind-up Friends thread. I was so enjoying reliving my uni days where you just bed-hop whilst also trying to find real love...

Are you def happy in this relationship? Telling him a year on, were you hoping for a reaction like this?
All you can do is lay your cards out on the table and if he doesn't like what he is hearing then please move on. This happened a year ago and if you have had a really good year he will know that and you can both put it behind you if that's what you both want. As long as it is not gong to be used against you forever.

As much as I enjoy the show! This really isn’t a wind up thread!!

Why tell him a year later? You seem to think your actions were wrong somehow - why - you were single and free to fool around with anyone as you pleased.
So why tell him now?
Were you testing his response?
Punishing yourself?
Self-sabotaging the relationship?

You’re both still really young and went though a major personal trauma together - was that pregnancy planned? Sometimes when we go through something horrible like that early on in a relationship it can lead to bonding based on shared trauma, or a sense that one party feels guilt/responsible that the other suffered (fairly easy to imagine in the case of an ectopic pregnancy he may feel that), and that’s not a massively healthy basis to continue a relationship of equals on.

Anyway, if you were my friend/colleague/niece, I’d advise you reflect on those questions. And I think the only thing you have to apologise for is bringing this up now, rather then letting sleeping dogs lie.

What do you mean, you were trying to get away from the guy? Was he pressuring you to do things you didn't want or making you feel scared? Why do you think you texted "help me?".

As regards your boyfriend, I'm sorry about his reaction. It's clear you want to be honest with him and if he can't see that I'm afraid he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to deal with this, which isn't a good sign.

Why did he break up.with you. For bring at a guys house when nothing happened and you texted "help me"? He should have been apologising for not helping you not breaking up with you.

Having had a good year is nice, but long term is a lot longer than a year and if he's not able to see past his jealousy and see you've done nothing wrong, he's not the one for you. Please, don't beg his forgiveness!

Break ups are hard, but you have a long life ahead of you. Plenty of time to find someone with enough maturity and emotional intelligence to deal with the difficult times as well as the good, this guy has shown his true colours. He's a fair weather boyfriend.

Your 20s is for living your life OP, not worrying about some long term relationship which may make you unhappy further down the road. You’re too young IMO to be feeling this way around a relationship! Can you please end it with this boyfriend and just live your life please. I wish I did all that in my 20s! Let those of us in our 40s and 50s bother about stuff like that now.

You've got a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes living with a bit of guilt - especially when misplaced - is better than blurting stuff out that is only going to achieve angst for the other person. You hopefully will learn to curb your drinking and stop before oblivion kicks in.
You've sabotaged this relationship unnecessarily by divulging stuff you really didn't need to. If you really didn't sleep with any of these guys, and they really meant nothing, you should of kept schtum. What have you achieved but heartache for you and upset for him. Nothing you can do now but apologise and learn from it, the rest is up to him, but as that's twice you've done misdemeanors, and twice you've told him, don't be surprised if he never comes round. Think before you spill it all out in future xxx

We were on a brreeeeeeak 😂 I don't think you should have told him. If you were going to tell him at any stage it should have been before you got back together. The only likely outcome to telling him a year later is that he will end up hurt. It will ease your conscious for a bit, but was it really worth it? Guessing not because a relationship that was going well has not been needlessly shot to bits. Nothing much you can do now apart from speak to him and learn from the mistakes made.

You are "so incredibly in love" but went off with the other bloke twice and just had to tell your boyfriend. You must have known it would affect him. On a break or not, you acted as though you were very interested in someone else and the same one twice? I see why your boyfriend has chosen to end it. Going forward, being honest is not always best if it means unnecessary revelations someone can do nothing about that will hurt them. I have heard all that crap before and it's just that. You wanted to dump a burden onto him. Bad plan.

Telling him about the 2nd liaison with jacket guy only cemented his thoughts about the 1st.
If he doesn't accept that you were going through a horrible time and genuinely thought you were over, then let him walk away. Don't beg and grovel. You have your whole life in front of you - cliché I know but so very true.

I don't understand why you felt the need to tell him what you did when you were single. If he broke up with you, you're more than entitled to do whatever you want with whoever you want. The difference with the Friends analogy is that Rachel suggests taking "a break" which she clearly meant in a temporary way and Ross takes it to mean "break up". Presumably your boyfriend was a bit clearer than Rachel when he initially broke up with you and didn't do the bullshit, vague "let's go on a break" thing.

I get you want to be honest in your relationship but that doesn't mean you have to volunteer up all the details of what you got up to when you were single.

Also I wasn't clear as to whether the guy you spend the evening with initially and then fooled around with later is the same guy. Because that's why he might have broken up with you. Clearly he's insecure about this guy and I wonder if you also might like him more than you're letting on.

Ok, my best advice is to have a break for a week or two and both really think what you want.

Let him sleep with whoever he wants in the break - you have the option to do that too of course - you're free agents (you already did last time basically).

If at the end of that break if you still want each other - then live happily ever after.