How can we inject some energy into our relationship??

[anniemay123]

So the situation is this: my daughter is 18 months old and a terrible sleeper. She wakes regularly through the night and the only way we've made it through is by co-sleeping. Our bed is small and so while my daughter is in bed with us, my husband is sleeping in the spare room.

The evenings usually involve us getting my daughter ready for bed and then I put my daughter to bed while my husband will tidy up downstairs and then he'll work (and I do the same upstairs). Basically I don't see my husband again until around 11pm when he comes up so I can go to the bathroom and then we go to bed.

We've decided to try for baby number 2 and so the last couple of months we've been having sex around the time I'm ovulating (we've not done anything until now)... But no other time that month. It's very unglamorous - we have to do it on the bedroom floor and quickly in case my daughter wakes up. It's not very enjoyable for me at all and unless I'm ovulating there just isn't enough lubrication.....

The issue is this:
My husband has never really been that interested in sex - it's usually me who initiated it before and when I've given up on trying we've easily gone many, many months without doing anything. Often when I did try and initiate anything he would kiss me back but it would just be a quick peck and then he would move back - basically he made clear that he's not in the mood. I feel so rejected when he does it. He's tired - he works hard - but I still can't help but feel like he puts energy into other non-work things like speaking with his friends once a month in the evening (or meeting up with them before covid and staying out late) but then when it comes to us, he just doesn't have energy.

The other night I asked my husband to come up early and we lay next to each other and I tried to kiss him, but it was the same situation - I got a quick peck back and he said he was too tired. It brought back all those feelings of rejection that I have held at bay for the last 18 months because we've been so preoccupied with my daughter. I don't just want us to have sex as part of our efforts to expand our family. I know it's not a very romantic set up - being on the floor or having our daughter next to us, but that's the situation for the foreseeable future.

I feel like I shouldn't even bother trying to initiate anything with my husband outside of our efforts for trying for a baby - but then it makes me sad that I hold this silent grudge against my him. I tried to talk to him about it last night but he didn't want to talk about it. Basically it's just resurfaced old feelings :( and I feel like I want to show him how it feels and reject him back if he ever wants to do anything :( but what kind of relationship is that???

I think my husband has a really low sex drive but I feel like sometimes he could make an effort, even if he doesn't feel like it??

I'm sorry this is such a long message - but I just hope that someone can give us some advice.

Thanks a lot

If this were trying for baby one I’d say run for the hills. But now I’m more wondering.. why now? What was it like at the same point when you were TTC the first time? The same? Different? Why has it reached a point where you’re looking for advice this time? I think maybe something more has changed..

Get your daughter sleeping through the night in her own room.
Talk to your husband about how you're feeling.
Don't try for number 2 because you already sound unhappy in your relationship.

I know it won't solve the sex problem, but fgs get a bigger bed if your room can accommodate it.

And like pps have said, you need to question why you're ttc again in this situation. Is he really the man for you?

Practically, if you're sure ttc is where you're at, use lube.

Why are trying for another baby while feeling like this? I have had two very close together and can assure you you'll get even less time together as a couple, less time for intimacy and new pressures on your relationship with another little one. Id focus on trying to get your daughter sleeping better and in her own bedroom before anything else. Look in to sleep training techniques perhaps? Have nights off from work if you can and just spend time together.

I agree. You need to sort your daughters sleep.
Sharing a bed with your husband will help with getting the closeness back.

Personally, not a big fan of the "must stop co-sleeping" route. But be practical about it. Get a bed big enough for you all to share so you can be comfortable and cuddle.

Have sex in the living room. Or kitchen. Have a bath together.

One of the worst mistakes you can make in a marriage - letting a child continue to sleep with you .

@MrsWindass

One of the worst mistakes you can make in a marriage - letting a child continue to sleep with you .

100% this. The relationship problems you're having now will only escalate (and likely lead to divorce down the line) unless you get a grip on this. This is exactly how "I love you but not in love with you/we've lost our spark and can't get it back/we're just like housemates now" starts and ultimately destroys marriages and your child's intact family home.

Your child isn't a newborn anymore. You both need to be prioritising your relationship and setting strict rules and boundaries with her.

Some couples successfully maintain their intimacy and co-sleeping. It's all a matter of opinion and of how you manage it.

With this particular couple, there's always been a low sex drive and lack of interest on the man's part: My husband has never really been that interested in sex so it's more a case of dealing with the realities of that.

Stopping co-sleeping isn't going to suddenly turn him into a tiger in the bedroom. (Personally I'd resent the fuck out of going to lots of effort stopping co-sleeping only to find the same ongoing problem.)

Co-sleeping is a red herring.

Don't agree that it is a red herring . The thought of him and her at it on the floor is hardly the stuff of romance is it ? It is important to avoid the trap of falling into being one of these Mummies who you see out with kids - over the top attentive , dressed like crap , hair like crap and Daddy walking along thinking what the fuck has happened to my life ? You see it all the time .

Doing it on the floor is poor management of co-sleeping. They have a spare room, they presumably have other rooms, there's the sofa, the bath, the kitchen table, the child will have naps at other times - there's no real need for it to be snatched, uncomfortable, unsexy, barely functional sex on the floor for the purpose of TTC only.

Why are you having sex on the floor in the same room as your daughter? It's hard to see how that could ever be relaxed and enjoyable.

Why not the sofa, or the shower? Or get a thick rug, blankets and cushions for the living room.

The long term libido mismatch is harder to solve though. What happened when you discussed it in the past? It might be natural for him, but on the other hand, there could be a medical reason - has he ever been checked by the doctor?

100% this. The relationship problems you're having now will only escalate (and likely lead to divorce down the line) unless you get a grip on this

Cosleeping is one of the most beautiful and treasured parts of raising a child in my experience and I wouldn’t give it up so easily

co-sleeping works for some and not others. it would not work for me especially if one of us has to sleep in another room . it would make me feel rejected.

maybe put some sort of bed in the room for your child and let her sleep there so your husband can sleep in the bed with you.

Of course co-sleeping doesn't work for everybody - but the problem isn't that, it's her dh's low sex drive which pre-dates them having children at all

The reason we're trying for a baby again is because it took us so long to have my daughter. I just don't feel like we can wait before trying again - we're going to have to solve things "on the go".

In terms of doing it on the floor - my daughter sleeps so badly that we just can't risk leaving her alone in case she wakes up - in the past it has resulted in her being awake for many hours. Our house is small so the option of getting a bigger bed is also out... But I do agree that we are managing co-sleeping badly.... Any suggestions that don't require us to leave the room? We can try and make the"floor" arrangement comfortable... So I think we'll try that.

I love my husband and really want to find a solution to this - so I think together we need to come up with ways to find a happy medium in terms of finding satisfaction. When we talk about it it's often late, we're tired, I'm angry - we need to talk when we can have a constructive conversation.

Unfortunately, covid has taken away some of our options in terms of having time alone but I hope we can find a solution

In what way do you think your toddler daughter will be less disturbed by being alone for a short while than seeing her parents fuck?

Get a baby monitor and leave her alone. Get in the habit of leaving the room for a minute or two whilst she settles in the evening “I’m just putting your beaker away” etc. Then you can keep a watchful eye on the monitor whilst you cuddle downstairs.

OP, my 14mo cosleeps with us. He also wakes frequently in the night and I breastfeed him back to sleep. I love cosleeping and disagree that it spells the end of a marriage - it's the norm in many parts of the world and was historically in the West too, and I don't believe all those couples have/had unhappy, lifeless marriages.
We've made it work for us by having a big family floor bed. We use tatamis and roll-up mattresses like they do in Japan.
Occasionally we have sex in the bed while DS is asleep - the tatamis means it doesn't wake him as there's no jostling of the mattress - but often we do it on the sofa or elsewhere in the house.
I think late night conversations about things like sex, finances, religion etc never work out well. We do our difficult talking on walks. DS is either wandering about next to us or asleep in the pushchair so doesn't need much attention.

Having sex on the bedroom floor sounds awful. Just awful. I’m not surprised dh is not into it, probably not great for you either? My sex drive would nonexistent given those circumstances. Co-sleeping is fine I guess if it works for all of you, but this is not the case. I would be paying for a sleep consultant to help get your child sleeping better in their own bed if it has been difficult to get it sorted out before.

It sounds awful and I think you've got a problem.

I'm not against cosleeping at all. Did it with both of ours when they were very small and then again for phases when they were having bad patches with sleep and we couldn't resettle them in their own room - it was the best way of helping us all get sleep.

What you say about not being able to leave the room in case Your dd wakes up is a problem. You're all hostage to this and it's is not helping your dd either - she isn't learning that she can manage for a moment or that she can tolerate a small amount of distress and trust that someone will come.

Instead you're having sex in the room with her 😳

I think you need to put baby 2 on hold, sort out a lovely room for your dd. If needed put a mattress on the floor in it and sleep with her at first, use the reassures and return approach, whatever- I'm not suggesting you abandon her. But you must do something.

Please do not bring another child into this situation.

Everyone is stressed because of the Covid situation and this doesn't help.

Have you thought about advice from a child psychologist/behaviour specialist to help your DD sleep?

There was a series on TV called 'The house of tiny tearaways' where a child psychologist helped parents with their children's behavioural problems.
It can still be accessed it on YouTube

my daughter sleeps so badly that we just can't risk leaving her alone in case she wakes up - in the past it has resulted in her being awake for many hours.

This is a huge issue. You need to work on this first. It seems like you've just got used to it, and see it as normal. But it's gonna be incredibly destructive for your relationship if you cant even get alone time while your daughter is asleep.

You seem so wrapped up in your issues and challenges you are not thinking straight. Please don't bring another child into this relationship just yet. You are both really struggling and there's a pandemic going on. Your husband has always had a low sex drive and it will continue to be that way. Just focus on getting your little one sorted. Then sort your relationship out. When the pandemic is over, reassess your whole life and work towards getting a better marriage and your child sleeping properly.