Narcissistic/Toxic relationship - Hoovering

[Ruminating2020]

Many years ago, I close to a work colleague who I thought was a friend. I didn't know the reason at the time but their mood with me depended on whether I agreed and did what they wanted. They had a very extreme reaction to the word "no", that I ended up saying yes to most things even when I didn't want to.

I tried many times to distance myself from this individual but their behaviour got worse everytime and more emotionally violent. For some reason, perhaps it was guilt, I stuck by them. Anyway, this went round in circles for months until they left.

Only much later on, I realised that I was in a narcissistic abusive situation and their repeated attempts to re-establish contact was something called "hoovering".

Last year, after recovering an old email from them, I developed heart palpitations, insomnia, flashbacks and voices reminding me of that time. This went on for a few months and I was diagnosed with depression. I have had counselling since and I now longer wake up in the night with those symptoms.

Something I fear however is whether the narcissist has definitely given up on me for good or will I be watching over my shoulder for the rest of my life? This person was not normal in the way people think and behave and they would think nothing of turning up at my home and trying to barge in.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you @Strongerthanilook. I am sorry that this has happened to you too. Are you safe now? You are definitely strong for fighting the trauma bond and I hope you find peace in your situation.

In my case, the last hoover attempt was more than 2 years after agreeing on no contact. I ignored the email but what was said in it preys on my mind and still stirs up feelings of guilt, shame and fear.

I hope that the narc has actually found a healthy relationship with someone rather than exchanging one individual for another to belittle and demean to make themselves feel good.

They sound like a bully OP and you sound like you have low self esteem and poor boundaries. The situation got worse and worse because you stuck around and eventually starting suffering anxiety and depression. I am not blaming you for what happened but I am advising you to work on yourself and work out why it happened so it doesn't happen again.

Thank you , you are spot on @poppyzbrite4. I have always had low self esteem and struggle to stand up for myself. On the occasions when I did stand up for myself, they would give me the silent treatment or what I now know as narcissistic rage. I ended up being the one to apologise for their behaviour.

I think they knew this and exploited it as it sounded like they had done this before with former victims friends. I now know that they were just a bully and extremely manipulative. I didn't see it at the time, because they would be sickly sweet to me one moment and horrible if they didn't get their way the next.

I have since read the following books; Boundaries by Dr Cloud and A Women in your own right. I've not had the opportunity to put this knowledge into practice yet.

I hope you will be ok OP. I found myself in a similar situation 15 years ago. I had just lost my mum, was lonely, vulnerable and my boundaries were non existent. In swoops this amazing person...love bombed, the lot. He was a narc with a capital N. I knew nothing about this condition and was trapped for 2 years with the guilt you felt and the things he did to make me hold on. I was discarded brutally for a new supply. It caused me all the symptoms you describe. It took me many years to fully recover and from that experience I built huge boundaries and a good self esteem and can spot a narc from 50 feet. My narc ex still contacts me all these years later with professions of love and missing me. My boundaries are very high now, if I get a random email from him I absolutely laugh at it and because I researched so much about it I find these people really fascinating as they go to a script of devaluing you, discarding you then hoovering you back. You say you hope he has found a healthy relationship.....they can't do the healthy relationships but they find other people who are willing to put up with their crap and make out they are in a healthy relationship. Its now for you to accept what has happened, how it has affected you and rebuild your boundaries and life. It takes time as the narcissistic wound he has put upon you will need love and compassion to heal. You can do it, you can become a lot stronger and wiser and build a successful narc radar so no one can pull you in again. Good luck OP xx

Hi @litterbird,
Thank you for your response. I am so sorry this happened to you too, especially after bereavement. You have come a long way and you sound very happy and strong now when dealing with attempts to contact you.

What do you think was the turning point for you? How do you go about building your self esteem and boundaries again?

It makes me very sad to hear that the narc is unable to have a healthy relationship, but it does explain why they kept doing and saying the things they did. I also find it astonishing how they insist on chasing you, telling you how much they care and value you, only to belittle you for their amusement the next. In my case, I was always the one trying to do the breaking up because I was uncomfortable with their behaviour, but that brought on the rage or guilt trips about causing pain to them if I "throw them away", so I caved in. It was really weird and frightening.

The turning point for me was when I was discarded....I went to therapy to try and deal with my anxiety around it all and my abandonment feelings. My therapist put a possible name to the person he was....a narcissist. When I went home to research it my jaw dropped as it was like I was reading something about him. The hoovering was difficult as he would do all sorts of things, drop love songs on CDs through the door, cards, emails, texts. I blocked him on several areas but I had to keep my whits about me as when I blocked on social media he would create another profile. My self esteem and boundary making was helped with therapy and time. I stayed away from relationships for quite a while as I felt I couldn't trust my own judgment. Anyway, my self esteem is high but is a work in progress as the narc damage to me has been done and will be a part of my past to never forget. @Ruminating2020 healing really does take time and it was never your fault. You were a kind and compassionate person that narcs like to prey on. Dont lose that kindness and compassion just because some nasty individual took advantage of it. Stay strong, get help and give it time. Be kind to yourself.

You are kind @litterbird and thank you for sharing your healing process with me. I never thought about finding a therapist in my situation and it was only last year when the memories were triggered that I sought counselling. Well done on the work you have done on yourself and are still doing. It is very disturbing that he is still contacting you every now and again though. Have you reported him for harassment?

My situation is a bit different and I feel that had I not made the choices I did, I would have avoided being in the toxic relationship to begin with. I missed so many red flags.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am the narcissist, even though I didn't call them names, belittle them or get in a rage, but chasing after them after the discard was something I did and it went on and on. Over time, I completely lost my sense of self and didn't even know who I was.

I chose not report for harassment but it got close. Despite him still contacting me the lady he discarded me for has stage 4 cervical cancer and only has a few months left to live so I wont pursue anything now. You are not a narcissist as you have questioned yourself about it. Narcs dont. I didn't see the red flags at the beginning either purely because I was in a vulnerable position and these things can be missed and explained away. Chasing after the narc when discard happens is only a natural response to someone who leaves you suddenly and your mind goes haywire trying to get them back and/or get answers. Dont beat yourself up about that bit. Your mind must stay focused on healing not ruminating. Look forward not back. Keep those you trust and love close so your perspective of a healthy relationship is not lost.

I am sorry to hear that @litterbird about his current partner. Is it possible that he is attempting to hoover you because of the possibility of losing her?

I will continue to look forward and cherish those who are in my life right now. Thank you.

Yes you are absolutely correct, since her diagnosis the hoovering started in earnest. I ignore everything and just am in awe of how he can do this when his lovely partner is on deaths bed. It beggars belief how low a narc can go when his 'supply' is on their way out and he is wanting to jump to another supply as quickly as possible. It is truly shocking. He does not have any emotional effect on me now, he is nothing to me, I am indifferent to anything he sends me. I keep those who love me close at all times.

That is so awful. I guess he is also using her condition to exploit your empathy too?

You are very strong to not respond to anything he does.

Yes, he is exploiting or trying to exploit the empathy. The strength has come from years of repair from him and a deeper understanding of the condition. You realise that nothing is about you but him and his problems. My daughter is still friends with his daughter hence I know what is going on. They dont interact much now but they chat on social media occasionally. His children are absolutely lovely and going through a tough time. I have empathy for them, not their father. How are you feeling now? Have you got a plan in order to help yourself?

I am feeling okay now as it has been years since their last hoover attempt but I can never be sure whether they've given up completely. The only thing that worked was ignoring them and not even making eye contact when they intercepted me on my way to work. The reason why they waited 2 years to email me was that they didn't want to give the impression of harassment. That is totally what it was though!

I have had CBT on assertive communication and I would like to become more self aware and have the opportunity to practise setting boundaries with people who are safe to do so to begin with.

Well done for addressing the issues and setting boundaries and being comfortable with being assertive will, again, take time as for someone who may find it difficult and awkward to set boundaries it will be a work in progress. Good luck OP.

Thank you @litterbird.