why does dh never listen to me re: ds routine

[lupo]

Am getting really fed up with DH,basically he has been off work for a month and is waiting to start a new job, i have been doing extra hours to bring in some money and he has been looking after ds who is three.

Each time before I go, i explain what ds has for dinner -leave it out, and tell him to feed him by 5ish, he has just dropped his nap so gets quite tired after this.

Dh says 'stop going on I know how to look afer my son,' and then never ever follows routine. he doesnt have dinner ready for 5 (even when i have already cooked it) then ds gets over hungry so he tries to just give him milk, which ds has, but then doesnt eat his dinner.

he let him fall asleep today at 6.30pm, now ds will prob wake up at 4.30am and wont go back to sleep. I woke him up when I got in at 7pm and now he will prob be up til midnight ..arrrrrrr. he hasnt even had dinner yet..

Today i said please feed him by 5ish, then if he gets tired stick him in the bath so he will last til 8ish.

Came home, he hadnt been fed and was asleep in our bed (which i never let him do)

Am fed up, he never bloody listens to what I say.. Though he is brill dad when it comes to having fun with him etc. he is now gone off to part time work and I am left with grouchy ds whose routin is totally up the spout arrrrrrrrggggg

sounds to me like your dh doesn't really see the point of your routine. the best way to get the point across is to make him look after ds for a 24 - 48 hour period so he sees the consequences of not following the routine. right now you're picking up the pieces.

God, how frustrating.
I agree with Warthog.
Go away for the weekend and let him do everything and see how well he adapts to letting him do what he likes - he'll soon realise the error of his ways.
Also maybe if you stop nagging him all the time and picking up after him when you get in he will get the message.

How much longer is there to go before the new job? Is it worth having a go to change this?

If so, then I'm afraid I do think you need to back right off - don't nag (and tell dh you're sorry for doing so and that you're not going to do it again) but also don't cook dinner etc. (I must say that I would ensure that there was some sort of emergency food in the house - bread and cheese or whatever). Let him be the dad and do his stuff. If he leaves you in the crap with ds, tell him about it but don't suggest any solutions.

One of two things could happen - either dh will shape up, or your ds will adjust, and will annoyingly thrive on your dh's lack of routine. Be prepared for either...

I know it's frustrating, but OTOH I do agree you have to back off. As far as is practicable, dh should have to deal with the consequences of broken routine.

I get very territorial about dses, and dh and I always shared care of ds1 50/50 . But I know I have to let dh do it his (usually loody fantastic) way, and now only put my foot down at actually dangerous practices, such as a couple of weeks ago when I came in with ds2 to find ds1 (2.5) running about with a (proper) screwdriver

Ditto the advice above. I think guys generally look after kids in a less organised, more haphazard way than women e.g. if DW leaves house with DS, half the house goes with her, if I go, it's just him and his bear. DS seems pretty happy either way.

I do agree though that you should let him get on with it BUT make sure he has to deal with the consequences if it doesn't work out (i.e. he makes dinner, gets up at 4.30am, puts him down at midnight).

He's being very thoughtless and selfish. Have you asked him why he doesn't listen to you and explained the consequences of what happens when he doesn't - that your ds's sleep patterns are disturbed and you end up having to deal with it.

Is he just not bothered that you have to pick up the pieces when he does his own thing that suits him but not you and not his son?

Also this "men do it differently" is just a cop-out. Men are able to stick to routines and follow instructions just as easily as women are. Whether a man chooses to is a different matter.

HE is your ds parent as much as you are.

So I agree completely with cestlavie.

If he doesn't want to look after your ds in your way then he follows through wtih the consequences of looking after him his way.

But you can't make him follow your routine with your ds.

PArents usually parent in different ways (even if only slightly) ime. Doesn't usually mean one is right or wrong, just that htey are different.

Thanks for all the responses, and i do need not to nag as much, but its just that ds also suffers from lack of routine. for example he has just started preschool so if he doesnt get a good night sleep he really struggles at preschool and I feel for him.

Also its bloody frstrating when I go to the effort of cooking him a proper dinner and leaving it in the fridge, only to come home to find it exactley where i left it.DS is a diificult eater so rather than try and give him the meal I have cooked, dh will either make him scrambled eggs or just give him milk, rather than struggle to tempt him into eating something healthy (which I normally have to do every day)

anyway he is starting back at work in a week, thank god. I just feel that he takes the easy option sometimes and does whats best for him as oposed to best for ds

not that scambed eggs arent healthy, just that I dont want him eating them every night for dinner!

So don't cook a meal if it's frustrating!

Please don't think I don't sympathise - I REALLY do. And you have every right to say 'the teachers said ds was crying a lot at preschool and they think he's tired'. But try not to then go on and say 'and you need to do X Y and Z about it'. Let him find the solution(s). Like you had to do.

And at least scrambled eggs are hot. I have to say I nearly combusted when dh did one of his first meals for us after 3 years of me cooking; Pasta and tomato ketchup. I kid you not. I managed not to say anything at the time but by Gum it was hard...

This is me right now ... Just wondering how everything turned out 🤨🤣

I'm afraid you're both his parents, and your style of parenting is no less valid than his style. As someone said earlier, though, he needs to own the effects of how he wants to parent - both the good (more relaxed, more time to spend on doing things together rather than being back in the house in a regimented timeslot) and the bad (early wake-ups, disrupted sleep, hangry children, etc).

There are enough topics on here about how hard it is for women with partners who make no effort, take no initiative, and share no childcare mental load - maybe shift your mentality to look at the positives of your situation.

Edit - how did I not see this thread is as old as the hills!