My mum has broken my self esteem

[Givemethechocolate]

Today I had a Face time with her. We were chatting general stuff. She then said "not being funny but have you put on weight" I said "yes maybe a few pounds, it's hard to exercise, home school, study in this lockdown" she replied "yea well you can tell you've put on weight".

Both my parents are really funny about weight, I'd go as far as saying they are fatist. I'm surprised I never got an eating disorder tbh. It just really upset me because I know I have put a few pounds on which I was aware of but for her to say that in such a blunt way hurts. I'd say I'm a size 10. She's always critised my appearance and always said I had to look presentable and look good when I went out when I was living at home and younger.
How do I deal with this?

I'm so sorry that she's treated you this way. You don't deserve to be reduced to a number on a scale, or a tag on an item of clothing. You are a whole human being and have the right to be treated with respect no matter what you look like. Especially by your own parents.

My mother used to always make comments that cut me down, one way or another. She actively stopped me from pursuing my dreams and goals because...? I don't actually know why or understand it. I would never treat my DC the way she treated me.

Some people enjoy being mean, and sometimes they are parents. I don't really know why.

Get therapy, it will help.

What a Mean bitch - you should have some one liners to get her back 'no mum I've lost a bit actually, but the thought you had put on weight - quite a bit to be honest ' etc ...

Perhaps you're both stuck in parent/child roles.

You could deal with it by saying Look mum I'm an adult and can make my own choices. I don't appreciate your criticism. You might mean well but it doesn't help when you make comments about my appearance and its really hurtful.

(or words to that effect) I think you have to be blunt and honest if you want her to change her attitude.

My mum used to make remarks about my appearance growing up, she was very looks obsessed and almost repulsed by overweight people.

I've come to realize that she has her own issues with that (probably from her own mother) and actually feel quite sorry for her. I have pulled her up on appearance based criticisms, especially round my own children and she is careful what she says now.

Your mother was likely not a good parent to you when you were growing up either. You may well have had material things but emotionally you were left bereft. Also narcissistic mothers often pull their daughters up on weight like you describe.

If your mother is indeed a narcissist in terms of personality it is really not possible to have a relationship with such a person. Narcissistic mothers tend to be hyper-aware of their daughter’s weight and how closely her body fits their social group’s ideal. These mothers are convinced that if their daughters are pudgier than the current ideal, they will not be attractive to the men in their group and will be looked down on.

People with NPD believe that being close to high status people increases their own status and that being associated with low status people decreases their status. This means that narcissistic mothers believe that their daughter’s body affects their status. When their daughter looks slim, this makes the mother’s self-esteem rise. When the daughter becomes chunkier or more voluptuous than the group’s ideal, her Narcissistic mother will feel embarrassed by her. She will envy other women in her group whose daughters more closely fit the current standards for beauty.

Would suggest you further reduce all levels of contact with your mother, if she cannot behave decently then you remove yourself entirely from her line of fire. I would also suggest therapy re your mother as well, you need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother and father are no different. If you have children I would keep them well away from your parents.

You deal with it the same way you’d deal with anyone else saying that to you. By saying - wow you’re rude and either hanging up on them or asking them to leave. And repeat until she stops or cut contact if she doesn’t - if she just continues it shows she doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Just because she’s your Mum doesn’t mean she can get away with this stuff.

My mum was exactly like this and died in 2019 and the sense of relief is immense. Awful but true. We had a very difficult relationship and I realise now I spent my entire life trying to please her and never could.

That’s a shit thing to say . I know people like this who are obsessed with weight and comment on other people constantly and I really don’t understand why.

It’s a particularly shit thing to say at the moment with things as they are as most of us are trying to cheer ourselves up with food or drink as there is fuck all else to do!

I fell out with an old friend last year when I mentioned, during a phone convo, that DD1 had lost a couple of stone and she replied ‘I’m pleased to hear that as she was looking very middle aged and frumpy in the photos I’ve seen on Facebook” ... so rude. Dd was 18 and in no way ‘massive’.

Next time I'd ask her if her hair is going more grey. Has she got more lines on her face.
What size is she. Comment on her weight, age etc.
Try not to let her see she has upset you.

My mum is like this. Constant negative comments about how I look. When I was about 45 I found a response that worked and it's been really helpful. I mention her feature that she doesn't like and say something like we all have good and bad features.
It felt really mean to mention something about herself that she dislikes, but really I had to in self defence- kindness never stopped her!

Does she say things like 'I'm just being helpful', 'It's just I noticed', 'I'm just trying to help you see yourself how other people do'?

Thank you for all your replies.

@Hailtomyteeth i am in therapy and have been for a few years now

@SmileyClare i think you may be right about the child/parent roles.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, yes I suspect she is a narc, she fits most of the traits. She was emotionally and physically abusive and I am having therapy for it. She cared so much about what other people thought of us as a family and controlled what I wore. If she did not like it she would make me feel bad about the way I looked and eventually I would change my clothes to something she would like.

@picklemewalnuts yes she does says things like that. mainly says " well I'm your mum and I'll always be honest with you as no one else will tell you"

My mother could say very hurtful things to me on occasion - including "You've got to make yourself more likeable!" I remember the feeling of just curling up inside. Feeling helpless and bruised.

It's about letting the adult you respond in these situations. Let your adult self (inner parent) look after your bruised child.

Come down hard and firm. Cut her off at the ankles. "I prefer if you don't make comments about my weight, I find them rude". Don't allow her an inch and try not to argue or explain. Your rules.

My parents (mum mainly) used to perform this grotesque arguing routine with each other in my presence. I'd put up with it all my life. It used to make me feel horrible, poisoned. One day in my 30s I just snapped. Slammed both my hands down on the table and said "enough! I don't want to listen to this anymore!" They were both speechless. After that they were very careful not to fall into this pattern in front of me.

I'm a bit anti the promiscuous labelling of people of 'narcissists'. It's heavy, judgmental and largely fed by too much dodgy online reading. People can be thoughtless, cruel etc etc without the cod-psycho labelling.

Stay strong, and minimise your contact with her. She prioritises her own desire to be important above her obligation to be caring and considerate toward you. She says and does whatever she can to make you into the daughter she feels you should be, rather than enjoying and valuing the person you are. I recognise her from my dealings with my mum.

I get similar treatment from my mum too. Having observed it for years I know when to expect it now this has been really helpful in dealing with it,When ever she is bored or feeling a bit down the meanness starts.It is really all about her and she cant deal with herself so lashing out at me by being snide with comments seems to deflect and makes her somehow feel better.Like when she is on yet another diet she feels like its open season to critize me for my weight.Then when the diet stops normally after a week she shuts up.I am immune to it now and just think omg here we go again she is off on one.I do not give her the power to hurt me.She feels bad,fails and then backs off.I think oh just give over mother and take no notice.Its all about her internal struggles which she cannot or will not address and therefor it makes sense as she is feeling crap inside she tried to blame everyone else and feels better bringing them down to her crapness level in order to make her feel better....its sad and pathetic and cuts no ice with me.I just ignore cos I have heard it all before and will no dount hear it all again....silly woman she is.She cant hurt me cos I dont care enough for her mindless senseless actions.

Thank you, I'm trying to stay strong it's just tough when it's something I was already conscious and aware of and therefore made me feel even more rubbish. Other things I would normally brush off quite well but this one has really hurt me.
@lazylump72 I think you're right, her and my dad seem to be insulting each other about their weight atm and it must be getting to her and then she's projecting onto me. Still hurts.
I don't know why weight and image is such a big deal to them. Surely their daughter being happy is the most important and not what other people think

My mother is the same and I forced myself to stop caring, you’ll never please her so stop trying

I remember my mum saying this to me once, I was probably in my late twenties and a size 10/12 she was probably a size 24. I don't know what came over me but I said "at least my tummy disappears when I stand up"! Ouch that was a put down and a half and she's never mentioned any weight gains again!

She is very, very nasty. My mother always used to say mean nothings to me too and when I would pull her up on it go into the whole “I was just....”, “It’s just that....” routine. She would never listen or acknowledge my feelings. I tried grey rock, LC and after a particularly nasty text that was about me but intended for my golden child older sister but accidentally sent to me while I was very, very ill in hospital, I don’t speak to her at all now. She claims to be utterly confused about why.

It’s ALL about appearances for her really, isn’t it? Tell tale signs of a narcissist. Sadly, shallow as a puddle.

Don’t let HER focus and experience of narcissistic supply based on looks (she has focused on this and probably has very little else to offer let’s be honest here) affect YOU! You are SO much more than her size 8 twattery insanity.

You focus on who yo really are OP, the gift of life and the true nature of connection you are capable of (to life, nature, people).

Bitchy twitchy aspect tho, I’d love to say something “pointed” back. Have something ready? Does she fly into a rage easily if contradicted?