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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break it off or give him time?

14 replies

BettyBo33 · 24/01/2021 13:39

Met my partner 15 months ago online. I’m divorced with 4 children, he’s never been married- no kids. He has obviously known about my children from meeting. We took everything slowly with regards to the children, him meeting them around 7 months and only because we planned on being together- We are very much in love and made lots of plans for the future. He’s great with the kids and has been staying since lockdown 2- then we had a few weeks of him not being here-then lockdown 3 so he has been staying most nights again. I was shocked when last week he told me he wasn’t sure if this was for him. I’m not angry at him. How can you know if living with 4 kids is for you until you do? They’re good kids for the most part but obviously it must be huge for someone without any to suddenly be thrust into that world. Part of me feels he deserves time to work this out- but not whilst staying here- but I also am a bit old fashioned in thinking if he’s having doubts then I’m not for him and to break it off now before I or the kids become more invested. Looking for a handhold and WWYD x

OP posts:
Donann · 24/01/2021 13:47

Tough one...

It's good he told you on one hand, what is he suggesting ?
Was he having a bit of a meltdown/ bad day or has he given it allot of thought?

Unicornamy · 24/01/2021 14:01

It’s tricky- I think offer to give him some space on his own to think if it is really what he wants. For someone who’s never been married or had a child, 4 kids may be a bit much to cope with. Your post reminds me of one I read in my FB group- very similar but 3 kids. The new Bf after living with the woman and her kids for 9 months said he wanted out as he loved her, but wasn’t sure the kids were what he wanted. They tried to work it out and thought they had; but the woman, a couple of weeks later went to the park with the kids, came home and he was gone!
Have a chat and see what he wants, then decide.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 24/01/2021 14:02

I guess it depends o what you're hoping for long term. As you have 4 children I'm assuming you've done the marriage or at least long term living together style relationship.
I suppose some of it depends on your afe/whether you want more children erg.
I'm 43, divorced and my child is grown up. I'm enjoying my space (and life pre covid). I'm at that stage where I obviously don't want children and am happy living alone. I'd be ok being single but if I did have another relationship marriage would definitely not be on the cards and while if happily have an exclusive/long tedm/commited relationship with the right person I'm pretty confident I wouldn't want to merge families/live with someone/share finances etc.
I think that in your situation the pandemic may have forced your hand with regards to living together.and that could be the issue, or it could just be that he isn't someone who wants to or can adjust to the whole family scenario full time.
I think as you get older and your expectaions/wants change a commuted relationship van come in many forms, for example the whole moving in together, building a home together scenario isn't always necessary. So I think you need to talk. Is he saying he wants a relationship but to live separately or is he saying he can't do 'it' in any capacity. Is he saying he wants to be with you but to keep families separate, or that he just feels it's too much right now. I th Ink once you know what he is saying, feeling you then need to look at what you want long term and compare the two. I dont think either option is wrong but if what he wants doesn't fit with what you do then I think it's better to cut ties now for yours and your children's sake.

Teaseller · 24/01/2021 14:02

I would go with your instinct - if he's going to 'work it out' then he can't do that while living with you, but ultimately it sounds like this is not for him.

If he doesn't have kids or experience with big families then it can be an adjustment. I think would let him go before you all get more attached.

FinallyHere · 24/01/2021 14:04

What do you want from him?

Would you be happy being in a relationship without living together ?

Original poster
BettyBo33 · 24/01/2021 14:13

Thanks for your replies they’ve really helped. All we can do is talk more I guess. I think the idea is to take a step back on the living together and I’d be happy with that but ultimately in the future I’d want to live together. Just feeling really sad after talking about it last night. I can tell he’s so torn.

OP posts:
allycat4 · 24/01/2021 14:17

Break it off. If he's unsure when you're still at the in love stage, it won't survive the long haul. Sorry to be so blunt, OP, but I am sure this is the right advice.

Donann · 24/01/2021 14:49

How old are your kids OP ?

coldsunnydays · 24/01/2021 14:53

I think people without kids often have no idea what it is like. It would be a complete change of life style and circumstance for him. It sounds like he has seen what it is like and is realising that it is not for him.

Original poster
BettyBo33 · 24/01/2021 17:00

They are 9-19 so not little but all in demanding stages of life, pre teens and teens. We’ve spoken again this afternoon. I think we will try living apart and I’m happy with that but I think he’s questioning everything at this point..

OP posts:
Jumpers268 · 24/01/2021 17:20

Oh this is beyond tough! And also the reason why when I started dating after my ex, I only went on dates with men that had children. I think living apart is a good idea. I wouldn't want my DP living with me as I enjoy living on my own with my son. And I'm also wary on blending our 2 families.

tootysweety · 24/01/2021 17:26

Eek you made a huge mistake of living together! I’ll be honest, I love kids and have a couple of my own but there is NO WAY I could live with 4 of somebody else’s. I think that’s a step way too far. Why didn’t you just keep it at dating and enjoy having a boyfriend!!! You’ve fucked it up by trying to get him to play daddy. Time to back off andhet back to boyfriend and girlfriend.

Branleuse · 24/01/2021 17:31

I think youd be wise to live seperatly. Its a hell of a lot to move in with an established family with so many children. Im not surprised he is not convinced, not to mention he would end up liable for paying for a lot to do with them. I honestly think its fantasy land to imagine he will just come in to your life and youll all be a happy family

sunnyzweibrucken · 24/01/2021 21:41

I can understand where he is coming from. My ex had three daughters and that was overwhelming in itself. (I only had one) But we also had different parent styles and it showed in his children’s attitudes and personalities and I never got used to being around them 24/7. He wanted me to move in but I’m an extreme introvert and I always craved the quietness and emptiness of my own home after being with them. So I never moved in as I knew it would be a mistake. We dated for a few more years but he’s the type that HAS to have a woman up under him all the time and finally found one that will. We have remained friends and he has whines to me that he is not happy with the current arrangement with current gf.

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