Where do I fit in with dp family?

[Alwaystirednow]

So both dp and I are divorced with children from our marriages. Don’t have children together and I don’t plan on having any either.

He split with his ex 3 years ago and we have been together 2.5 years. We are now thinking about moving in and buying a house together but I’m a bit worried because of this issue.

His family are really close with his exw. Meet up for meals (pre covid) and chat most days. Throughout our relationship she hasn’t been overly supportive to say the least (ruining our plans re children and swapping days to be awkward, saying things to kids to cause arguments etc) although recently is much better.

So I see it as they already have their sister/daughter in law and I don’t fit in. I have my own family who I am very close to and my dp also fits in very well with mine. my exh doesn’t have anything to do with my family now.

So where do I fit in? I feel like an outsider with his family still and I feel I don’t have a place. I am pleasant and kind to them and always welcoming and this is reciprocated but just feel a bit detached.

How do I fix this? Long term I can just see us getting closer to my family and my dp not having as much to do with his. that’s not what I want at all and I know it will be my fault for not making as much effort with his as I should but struggle with doing so as the outsider

It's not really the sort of thing you can 'fix' as such.

As long as you're all rubbing along, time may or may not change things.

I don’t think it’s anything that needs fixed. People have different relationships with different people. You aren’t the replacement wife, youre not supposed to slot on where she was and assume her place in those relationships, you’re a whole new person and you will have a different relationship with his family than the one she does. And that’s fine, you’ll get closer to them over the years. That’s the nature of relationships.

It's tricky but they will want to stay on good terms with her as she is the mother of their grandchildren.

Don't over analyse it. It is what it is. As long as they are pleasant and friendly with you then just go with the flow.

@londonscalling

It's tricky but they will want to stay on good terms with her as she is the mother of their grandchildren.

Don't over analyse it. It is what it is. As long as they are pleasant and friendly with you then just go with the flow.

I think this is really good advice.

She is the mother of their grandchildren. To an extent she'll always be in the picture. And trying to force relationships into the shape you want them is hard and often doesn't work.

The likelihood is that they got on well with her and don’t feel her marriage ending means they have to take sides, especially considering their grandchildren.

As long as they are welcoming, polite, and friendly towards you, I would just continue building a good relationship with them.

Thanks for the replies. I get my own relationship will develop over the years and I’m fine with that, like I mentioned, I’m really close to my family and don’t have the need to step in where she left off and I’m also aware that they want to stay friends with her and don’t have an issue with that.

Without sorting this, the main issue is about buying a house and the area we look in.
My family and his live about an hour apart, originally when we first got together I though we would live in the middle and was happy about that as thought I would already of been more involved with his family, now that I’m not, I still want mine for support and so want to continue to stay close to my family, putting extra miles from his.
So for me it’s best to stay closer to my family but not necessarily what he would really want and not sure what is fair in this instance

Surely it’s still fair to stay in the middle? You also stand more chance of building a better relationship with them if you are closer, even though I can understand not wanting to.

Half an hour isn’t really a big distance from your family.

Id stay closer to your own family if you get more support from them. Its not about being fair. Its about what your own family needs.
I dont think id feel particularly welcome in the situation you describe, although obviously they can be friends with who they like. I certainly wouldnt feel like i should move closer to them

@WINKINGatyourage I know half hour doesn’t seem far but that’s an extra hours driving each day to visit my family for a coffee, take to kids to school etc to be closer to a family I’m not close with (I work part time with primary aged children). It was something I was willing to do so I could pop into see his mum or sister for coffee also some days but as we don’t have that relationship it seems silly to move closer. (This would be once we are allowed obviously).
My dp is happy to join in with my family and so we do tend in doing more with them, he’s got really friendly with my brother but I’m not the same with his sister because I don’t know where I stand, pre covid they went out weekends and girls trips away (I also do these things with my sister so it’s not that I feel I’m missing out) just not sure how to include everyone

I don't think this can be fixed. My partner's ex is still really close with my in law's too, after well over a decade. They don't mention her to me and I don't bring her up.

Why does it impact on you including everyone? Surely you just talk to them and invite them (post Covid) without mentioning her? Definitely don't move "to be fair", that isn't how relationships work to me. How many people would have to relocate to be fair to both sets (or more) of families....if your parents are divorced and remarried and so are your other halfs that would be trying to please 4 couples!

Tbh- and I do mean this gently- this comes across as you smarting because they don’t like you (yet!) as much as they like her so you’re going off in a huff. Not being close with your husbands family isn’t solved by choosing to live further away from them so you can’t call in for a coffee. It kind of feels like you’ve decided it’s not worth bothering with them anymore so you’re going to firmly plant your family close to your family and forget about trying to develop a relationship with your husband’s.

I know half hour doesn’t seem far but that’s an extra hours driving each day to visit my family for a coffee, take to kids to school etc to be closer to a family I’m not close with

This would be fine if it was just you, but it isn’t- it’s your husband and your children’s family and they are close to them. You don’t get to make the decking about where to live based just on who you want to be geographically close to.

I think where you live also has to suit all your children, and where possible you should be looking at that. Where do they go to school? Once out of primary where would be the best catchment for secondary? Who has their kids the most time and how does that impact on the schools they go to and getting them to their relevant schools? Where will they go to school? etc If you focus on the kids needs, then commute to work for both of you after that, you should be able to look at the area to live with those points in mind. Then that fact you live near your family will be 'because the Alwaystirednow's kids are with Alwaysevery week day apart from Wednesday night but her DP's are only there Tues & Thursday nights mid week and it's easy for him to drop them off/pick them up as his work is nearer their school, we've had to stay in Alway's area for their schools ie NOT because you opted to live near your family

Of course someone would be smarting if their inlaws preferred their partners ex. Who the hell wouldnt feel something about that.
Its not as if OP is talking about disowning them for it. Just asking if its fair to just stay closer to her own family for better more consistent support - which it is

Move where it suits you and your children. As you're the primary carer then you must factor in what is best for your children. Would a move half way mean they will have to move schools?

The issue with 2nd relationships is that the landscape is different, it isn't the same as first marriages and you can't assume it will be the same. Whilst you can hope for a successful relationship always ensure you maintain your ability to work and provide for your children. That has to be your top priority so live where you can do that.

The problem here is that you seem to think there's a pre-made SIL/DIL slot that you can automatically fit into but that's not how human relationships work.

I actually find this is true of a lot of problems arising from close-knit, large families - everyone has an assigned role, and assigned behaviours, that they're expected to fulfil regardless of how they actually get on with anyone else.

Your DP's family have a normal, nice, healthy relationship with his ex. You can't and shouldn't try to change that. You shouldn't feel the need to displace her. It's not an either/or situation - they can have a friendly relationship with her AND with you.

The latter will take time, like any human relationships do, to build up. You can't just slot into the DIL role and expect closeness or real friendship off the bat. Those things accumulate with time as you get to actually know each other as people, build memories together etc. And in that time you'll have your own individual relationship with his family, entirely separate from their relationship with the ex. One does not take away from the other.

2.5 years isn't really that long to build deep connections with people you're not living with.

I don't really see the house location issue as a huge problem, they're an hour apart not at different ends of the country.

Surely it can't matter that much if it is a slightly longer journey to your DP's family? Or is he making a fuss about it?

If there are practical reasons (childcare?) to live closer to your family, then that is a good enough reason, although I'm not sure why these are suddenly mportant if you aren't currently so close anyway?

I don't drop in on anyone "most days", family or otherwise. Fine if that's what your DP's ex is in the habit if doing, but I don't think you should aspire to that. Friendly terms and fairly regular visits are surely enough?

Of course someone would be smarting if their inlaws preferred their partners ex.

But do they even prefer the ex? I mean surely it’s just as simple as them not having had as long to get to that same place with OP as they’ve had with the ex?

I’m not sure if it’s smarting. I just would of liked to be closer to them than I am I guess and knowing they are still close to his exw I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t want to take her place. I don’t think they “prefer” her as such, just that she is very involved with them and obviously knows them all much better. I’m not sure where I fit into it all.

To be honest staying near my family does make sense as I have my dc full time and his part time and I wouldn’t be moving any schools.

I feel as if I’m taking him away from his parents because I don’t feel close to them whereas if we had a closer relationship then I would of been more inclined to move closer and do family things with them too. His parents are a lot older then mine and so i would be able to help them with shopping and cleaning etc but at the expense of loosing some of my support with my parents still in their 50’s who do a lot with the children (including helping out with his)
I just feel very sidelined with it all but maybe I’m thinking about it too much when it doesn’t really matter. When I met my exh I felt very much part of his family from day one but then we were firsts everything and very young with no baggage and so maybe I’m comparing it to that when second time around it is so much different

I just would of liked to be closer to them than I am

It’s not over. You haven’t missed your chance. You have a lifetime ahead of you of relationships with your husbands family. Relationships develop over time. They aren’t instant just because you’re now married to him. As for your place- you’re their daughter in law. If you want to help them with shopping or just call in for a coffee then do it. It doesn’t have to be every day, you’ll still have loads of time to see your parents. It’s not either or. You can spend time with both sides of your family. Don’t base your actions on what they do or don’t do with his ex. That’s irrelevant to your relationship with them.

How long have they known her?

How long have they known you?

She's the mother of their grandchildren. You are your sons partner, perhaps to be wife. Stop over analysing. You are 2 1/2 years into a relationship with them which will grow and develop. Look forward to that and embrace it
For your partners sake, if necessary, be fair.

And yes I have been here, my oh was married 15+ years, his parents of course had a relationship with his wife, they did holidays, they have memories together. I've come along and of course it was a little wierd getting to know each other, but now I can honestly say I think the world of them, they do me, and yet they still have conversations etc with the ex wife. Doesn't affect our relationship at all
Kids do that, it makes it near impossible to break off relationships completely. It doesn't mean new ones can't be formed