Please tell me your success stories of leaving an abusive relationship (with no money)

[need2leave]

Name change but regular user. Have posted numerous times about my alcoholic DH and every time people tell me to LTB but I never did because I'm just not strong enough.

Been together 7 years, have 2 toddler DC. He has been on/off sober/drunk throughout our relationship. Met him when I was in my mid 20s and thought he could change, even when I supported him through rehab, going to AA meetings together, offering him emotional support instead of yelling when he drinks. But he still can't stay sober and I'm at the end now.

I need to leave for my young DC. I can't have them grow up with a father who becomes abusive when under the influence (yelling, banging things, slamming things. Never physically abusive toward me or DC, just gets very angry and yells at me). 3yr old now starts crying when Daddy yells and slams things. She doesn't need that in her life. Younger DC still a little oblivious but it won't be long.

He also uses cocaine and once went on a 3 day bender and didn't tell me where he was, leaving me with DC absolutely distressed about his whereabouts. Police eventually found him.

We have no money, no assets, nothing (currently on UC). Not sure how I can leave expect applying for a council property?! I have no family help and no where to go.

I need to leave but I'm scared and I'm not strong enough. When he's sober we have a lovely relationship. Please give me the courage!

Would he agree to leave if you spoke to him about it while he's sober & "lovely"? Could he go to family? It makes more sense for him to be the one to leave, if he would.

Whose name is your current home under? Is it rented?

You can speak to domestic abuse services about going into a refuge. From there, you'd be able to access support and be a priority for social housing.

He has no family either. We are completely alone and are trapped in our current situation.

Neither of us can afford to leave. If he left he'd have to fund this place and his new place which isn't affordable.

If I leave, I might have a shot at getting a council property, or at the very worst like you say be housed in a refuge.

We are in private rented. Both of our names are on the lease.

You can contact your landlord and be removed from the rental.

I would approach the council and explain, as you have young children and have no family ties there’s nothing to stop you moving further afield to a new area where there maybe properties available.

Don’t fall at the first hurdle, the more knowledge you gain the better you’ll feel about leaving.

Ring them tomorrow and discuss your options.

Why would he have to fund both places?

You'd start a new claim for UC as a sole parent and pay your rent with that, he'd claim UC on his own and pay his rent out of that. He might need to look for a bedsit/shared house to start with. He'd have to pay you child support but that would be minimal while he's on UC.

I would contact a domestic abuse service. You can go into a refuge and then get help accessing housing. You might be seen sooner if you go to a local service rather than calling the National helpline but try both.

Abuse services can help you access benefits and council housing. Try and take as much stuff as you can with you in terms of bedding etc. You can’t take any of your furniture with you if you go into a refuge.

You can get a lot of second hand furniture free of Facebook and if you have come out of a refuge there are charitable organisations that can help you. Your children could get a free nursery place once they turn two and you could retrain.

It is very hard but the hardest part is leaving.

Thank you everyone!

Yes @BluebellsGreenbells I'm up for moving wherever! We are currently in London and I know social housing stock is v low but as my DC aren't in school yet and I have no ties to anywhere, then we are happy to move away from the borough.

I'll call the council on Monday. They are aware of our situation as SS were once called out to do an assessment after I called police on 'D'H for being abusive and throwing things and he wouldn't leave. SS closed to case after the assessment as no harm to children but I'm not new to the council if that makes sense.

If you are up for moving you can ask to be sent to a refuge in a new area where you have more chance of getting housing. It does sound like that would be a good option for you as you could benefit from the support you could get from a Sv service.

I left with hardly anything and don’t have many clothes. I managed to build up my furniture quite quickly and was able to get some very good second hand toys very cheaply.

Have a look at Women’s Aid website they have a list of things to take with you.

Just to echo - contact your local authority domestic abuse team and they will refer you to SS. As great as Womens Aid no doubt are, I could never get through to them!

I went this route through my LA and ended up with SS - you have little ones (and you obviously!) that need safeguarding from someone in active addiction - they will definitely help you...and ultimately him - you just have to let go and trust! Best of luck to you