How would you react?

[greentourmaline]

Have long-running MIL issues, so never sure whether I'm overreacting. Husband doesn't help by minimising my feelings (I suspect so he doesn't have to deal with anything).

MIL upped FB usage considerably, compulsively posting photos of our kids online around a year ago. Husband says it's because she doesn't get to see the kids. I think she's doing it for attention and through boredom (the fact that she keeps accompanying the pics with captions like "my beautiful kids" and "my babies" does nothing to endear me).

Husband keeps sending her digital photos which she puts on FB, so it feels like half our family album - minus any shots with me on - is online. I'm probably overreacting about as it's massively irritating - but it makes me not want to take photos as I know he'll send them to her.

I realised last week her FB account is still public. We've asked her several times to reset it. I asked DH to talk with her. He got all defensive (when we talk about his mum it usually ends in argument) until I asked him what HE wants rather than just arguing with me, as he's usually giving me lectures on online security. He promised he'd talk to her.

Kids are 11 and 9 yrs. Eldest does not like having her photo taken. I try to be respectful of their privacy and ask before putting photos of them online. My social media is locked down.

He's just uploaded a load of photos of the kids to his computer. Eldest comes over to see what he's doing and asks if there's any of her, she's quite self-conscious. I notice his email's open and is copying photos to his mum, so I ask him not to send her any more until her FB account is set to private. DD asks about her Gma posting photos online and DH LIES about it then explodes at me.

I'm sorry, but if it's okay for her to post photos of my kids publicly (or at all) online and I'm being difficult for bringing it up, why then lie to our daughter when she asks about it?! He's now sulking in his office. Every time we have a disagreement he'll do this. No discussion or compromise.

Am I unreasonable? How would you deal with this (if indeed at all)?

I think you are being OTT about her posting pictures but you are definitely not being unreasonable in demanding she make it private and your partner needs to grow a pair to tell his mum either she makes it private or he stops sending her pics

"Husband doesn't help by minimising my feelings (I suspect so he doesn't have to deal with anything)".

Correct. He is also the problem here as well as his overbearing mother. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. He is mired in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his mother and he is far more afraid of her than he ever is of you. He still wants her approval even now and will use and upset you/kids to get that from her. You are being used by him as a buffer between he and his mother.

Maintain your own boundaries here and act on those consistently.
Will he be at all willing to sit in front of a counsellor or therapist because this sort of thing can and does put marriages on the line.

You do not mention FIL here; is he still around?. Does your H also have siblings?.

Nothing wrong with her wanting to post kids pics, but you are not being unreasonable to ask for that to be private.

The problem is you DP not your MIl. He needs to grow a pair but you guys also need to talk and agree a compromise, this should also include your elder kids views.

He then needs to present this to her as the form going forward. If he won’t, and this is the only real issue in your marriage, I’d just ignore it.

We went to counselling some years back. The issues with MIL did come up and the conversation would go something like as follows, on loop, until the counsellor would get bored and change the subject:

Counsellor: So, you're saying the fact that your mother (as you've admitted) is rude to your wife is your wife's fault?
H: Well... no...
Counsellor: What would you say the issue is then?
H: Well, if wife didn't react...
Me: I don't react at the time. Sometimes I try to talk to you about it privately afterwards and get upset when you don't engage.

Counsellor did ask on several occasions whether H was using me as a buffer not to have to face MIL's disapproval (I get blamed for everything she doesn't like about our parenting and decisions, and she can be quite rude. Then will ignore me for the rest of the visit - so days at a time). After the best part of a year, H had a work commitment, so I went alone and counsellor told me that he understood my frustration, and that unless H was willing to acknowledge his part in things and my point of view, counselling was pretty much redundant anyway.

Interesting - the counsellor's diagnosis of the situation pretty much mirrors your views. Are you a professional? It doesn't stop me getting frustrated sometimes though and questioning whether I'm being reasonable.

FIL is still around. He'll sometimes ask H to call his mum because she's "down," which I find a little disturbing. As though H has to take responsibility for his mum's feelings. FIL is absent for disagreements, unless he overhears MIL being really rude, then he'll tell her off. Though when I've asked H why this is, he'll say because "they know what you're like" and they'll all be frosty with me afterwards (I stress that I do not react - beyond trying to talk to H about it later - though once I was reduced to tears). I get the feeling that FIL doesn't spend much time with MIL and absorbs himself in his hobbies.

Their last visit to us was awful. She was so rude and I felt so uncomfortable. I have now refused to visit them unless we stay elsewhere (apparently this is unacceptable as it will offend MIL) and have said I don't want her in my home until we've had at least one visit where she's managed not to be actively unpleasant. I'm not stopping H visiting with the kids, though interestingly he doesn't seem as keen to. I have no idea what he's telling them about why they cannot visit here, and I don't much care.

I've not seen ILs now in around 3 years as a result, and we're not on speaking terms.

And no, H has no siblings - it would be easier if he did, as she'd have another focus and (if they were functioning humans) H would have a barometer.