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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's always texting...

52 replies

WillowGrace26 · 24/01/2021 10:31

His ex!!
And it winds me up. I feel like a 3rd wheel in my own relationship. I've told him it bugs me and all I get is.. She's got my kids, I'm gonna talk to her.
But it's literally any excuse to call or text her and sometimes he makes me look like I'm stupid to her. Asking her things which I could figure out for myself or things I already know and he just wants to check like she knows better than me?
Maybe I'm just being childish about it, maybe it's just all in my head but either way, its annoying me.
When they talk, its not always about the kids, he does tell me sometimes what she's said to him and I'm there like.. Why do you need to know that? And all I get is, see I can't talk to you.
When he goes to her house to see the kids, if I text or call him I get ignored and he says she doesn't like me texting you in front of her or I won't answer the phone because I don't want her to know any of our business, but if she calls or texts him while he's with me, he's on it straight away. I don't feel like a priority to him sometimes.

Anyway, I don't expect a response. I literally have no one to talk to and I just needed to vent.

OP posts:

Jumpers268 · 24/01/2021 15:30

My DP is friends with his ex (the mother of his children) and there were a few times at the start that I'd raise an eyebrow at things. He used to talk to her about us, nothing massive but if he was at hers seeing the children and we'd had a row he'd tell her about it. It drove me nuts. He's stopped that now. And they now only really talk about the kids and general chit chat when talking about them. He does answer the phone to her and reply to her messages when he's with me and it doesn't really bother me as it's normally quick.

However, the slow cooker thing I'd have been livid with him for. Also, he makes a conscious effort to reply to my messages when he's at hers. And he would always answer the phone to me. If she didn't like it, he would tell her to f off.

Redflaggs · 24/01/2021 15:43

@WillowGrace26 did you really say ' he doesn't slag me off?...'

Do you tell her everytime you to talk about her, or when you slay her off?... nope.

He's playing you both. Yes he loves you but he still loves her. He tell you that he's never loved anyone like you, well of course he said that.

His action are clear to what he actually wants. He's got you all jealous and her still hanging around.

Uses the kids as an excuse. He can create boundaries but doesn't. He likes the attention.

Only you can act on this.
He left her but that doesn't stop his interest in her, and to of started dating you so quickly after a long relationship is to much.

She isn't the issue he is.

Original poster

WillowGrace26 · 25/01/2021 10:25

I just don't know, hes leads on the phone to her at work too but if I text him he takes hours to reply or sometimes he just doesn't bother.
I believe him when he says he loves me but im starting to feel like a spare part, like I've replaced her or something. It hurts but I can't just walk away I love him too much.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 25/01/2021 10:33

His actions speak louder than his words. He might say he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves you, but his actions scream that his ex is at the forefront of his mind and he loves her.

poppyzbrite4 · 25/01/2021 10:43

OP slagging someone off means there are still feelings there. Indifference, not mentioning her at all, not caring but being engaged with his children, means he's moved on.

He's on the phone to her every five minutes for a reason as he doesn't want to let go. His feelings aren't resolved.

He can tell you whatever he wants, his actions are saying that he hasn't let go. I wouldn't marry him. It sounds like you were a rebound or an ego thing and he's kept you around.

DeeCeeCherry · 25/01/2021 15:04

He ended it, he walked away from her. He slags her off like there's no tomorrow

I bet he slags you off like there's no tomorrow when he's at hers, too.

You got an ego stroke via him dissing her and making you feel that he sees you as oh so much better than her. As you now see, it's all bullshit.

A man who gets with you via eliciting sympathy from you about his mad/bad/whatever ex girlfriend doesn't tend to be worth having.

Staying with him simply means finding ways to cope with the fact that he loves his ex, not you. So she'll always be a part of your relationship in a way

harknesswitch · 25/01/2021 15:10

You feel like a spare part, because you are! He's prioritising her above you, at home and at work.

Sorry op but there's no way I'd come second best to an ex.

I have an ex and 2 dc, but we only ever talk about the dc and even then it's a quick few texts once every week or so. I'd never dream of asking him how to work a cooker

Original poster

WillowGrace26 · 25/01/2021 15:24

I've always thought ive come second to her, when he's been talking to her he goes cold with me for no reason.. we've always had pet names for eachother and he hasn't called it me for ages now.
Doesn't come for kisses and cuddles anymore like he used to and looks annoyed when I go to hi for them. Ive never done anything other than be loving towards him. It must be me.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 25/01/2021 15:27

It's not you, it's him.
Bin him.

MsDogLady · 25/01/2021 16:55

I’ve always thought ive come second to her, when he’s been talking to her he goes cold on me for no reason..we’ve always had pet names for each other and he hasn’t called me it for ages now...Doesn’t come to me for kisses and cuddles anymore like he used to and looks annoyed when I go to him for them.

His withdrawal of affection must be very unsettling. OP, he still feels an intimate connection to her and is putting her first. That is the reality.

You’ve also written that he blames your son for everything when his children are there each weekend. (You’d never even met them until you moved in together.) I wouldn’t tolerate my child being anyone’s scapegoat. That type of toxic environment can emotionally damage him.

This is an unsustainable situation. You and your son are being diminished and disrespected. Walk away, OP.

snowey42 · 25/01/2021 16:56

My ex husband texts me and rings me all the time. He 100 percent doesn't want me back and is in love with his current partner. With him I'm sure it's control thing because he doesn't have full control over the kids all the time. I get on really well with my ex husband but I know other people think it's weird he calls all the time, I do to but its just him definitely not because he is putting me first lol. Maybe it's a control thing with your partner too,

sunnyzweibrucken · 25/01/2021 17:34

all your updates scream of someone who has lost interest and just not into you as much anymore. i say that as i am the same when i'm going off someone i'm dating. and i've had it happen to me as well.

ShellieEllie · 25/01/2021 19:24

It sounds as though he thinks she's his mother!

Confusedmelon · 25/01/2021 19:28

He sounds like a narcissist who is triangulation you with his ex. Silent treatment, put downs (indirectly when he goes to his ex for advice over you), slagging off his ex to you (most narcissists do this and is a huge red flag).

I'd bin him ASAP

Confusedmelon · 25/01/2021 19:30

*triangulating

Countrywalking · 25/01/2021 19:30

He slags her off like there's no tomorrow

This is a massive red flag. Any man being obnoxious about their ex means they still care.
Also it's immature and nasty to be rude about your ex.

NovemberR · 25/01/2021 19:35

I would get out now. He's enjoying keeping the two of you on a string and I could not be bothered by the immaturity of that.

Find a grown up.

Honeyroar · 25/01/2021 19:47

It’s definitely not you. You’re the one behaving normally..

SwimSwim · 25/01/2021 20:02

Oh OP this sounds horrible for you. Please believe this isn't you doing anything to cause this. He is putting her before you and that's not fair on you. He might love you like he says BUT he still has some feelings for her too and that means he's not giving his all to you. You deserve better than this.

Original poster

WillowGrace26 · 26/01/2021 15:18

I asked him do you still love her? Do you want her back? He said a resounding no and said im with you and I love you and he meant it I could tell by his face, then he asked me why I was asking him. Ive told him it bothers me and he's said again, I only want to know how my kids re, I dont trust her. What do I do with that information.

OP posts:

poppyzbrite4 · 26/01/2021 15:49

I suggest that you either find a compromise or put up with it.

You're on a hamster wheel at the moment and it's obviously bothering you, so find a way of compromising with the contact or just learn to deal with it. You obviously don't want to leave him.

OP just remember that you should always observe how someone behaves, don't listen to what they say. If you tell him this is really bothering you and he does absolutely nothing to change that behaviour then, no matter what he says, he doesn't care.

tct131416 · 26/01/2021 16:17

Just to add a different spin, my ex husband and I text loads and speak on the phone pretty often & it's not always about the kids. When I drop the kids off I'll pop in for a chat etc. We separated nearly 2 years ago and I've been with my new partner a year. New DP isn't bothered by it, I'm completely open with it and he has a similar relationship with his ex DW.

The fact ex DH and I were together and each others best mates for over a decade, we ended our romantic relationship but have managed to keep a friendship. Our physical spark died a long time before we separated though so I guess that gave us a head start to be able to be completely platonic.

Your situation might be completely different but that's how it is with us and there's definitely no funny business!

Holshicup · 26/01/2021 16:28

Play him at his own game, next time he's unsure about something offer to contact a ex of yours for advice.

Original poster

WillowGrace26 · 26/01/2021 17:26

I've never thought there's something happening between them, just the amount of contact makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable. He loves me, a blind man could see that. I'm just gonna hope that in time, she will meet someone and it'll die down a little bit. I mean, he doesn't hide the fact that he phones and texts her, he's quite open about it.
To be honest, a few of the comments on here have made me feel a little better, where you say exs are just friends and whatnot, maybe thats what it is with them.

OP posts:

Jobsharenightmare · 26/01/2021 23:02

OP those that say they are friendly with ex partners or spouses are not saying they'd phone theirs to ask how to use their new partner's slow cooker instead of asking them.

This is false reassurance based on their situations and applying it yours without all the other context such as not getting back to you. You're seeing what you want to see there I'm afraid and ignoring all the other red flags because you love him.

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