Long distance online dating - tips?

[liska5]

Hello lovely mums, I need some dating advice. 🙂

I’m 40 and divorced, with two kids. I’ve tried dating sites and went on a few dates but I really don’t enjoy online dating and don’t have any luck. Literally the second guys find out I have kids, they vanish into thin air.

Well, about a week ago, a guy followed me on Twitter. I use Twitter for work, I’m a journalist, and lots of people follow me every day. But somehow he interested me and I clicked on his profile. He’s also a journalist, and he had funny videos right at the top - so I did what I never do, I sent him a DM saying ‘hey - thanks for the follow, I like your videos, you’re funny!’ I didn’t expect him to write back. He did. We started messaging - he seems to be a really interesting guy. He’s a single dad, and he knows I’ve got kids. Yesterday, our messages became quite flirty. And I really enjoy talking to him - just messages now but I hope it’ll lead to a phone call soon. I really do.

The problem? He lives in Manchester. I live in Zurich. So I told myself that it’s absolutely impossible that something ever comes out of this - and that for now, I’m just enjoying this communication with an interesting person. And it’s only been a week! Still, I enjoy talking to him so much more than to any of my dates from online dating sites. And I would love to continue getting to know him. So here’s my question.

When I got divorced, I started reading plenty of relationships books and got a therapist - to understand what went wrong with my previous relationships, and to throw myself into dating again, for the first time in years. I know that I get attached easily, I get emotional, when I like someone, I start texting the guy and want to get to know him, to talk and so on. Now that there’s no chance I’ll see this new guy any time soon, I’m worried about seeming too eager in the early days of just texting and pushing him away. Still - when I get a message from him, it’s very difficult to wait for hours before replying, as recommended by dating books. And when I force myself to wait, I start thinking, Geez, is this really how it’s supposed to be - stupid texting games? If we like talking to each other, can’t I just reply right away - and not worry that such instant reply will be misinterpreted as me being too needy or something? I don’t want to be needy, I don’t want to seem needy - but I also don’t want to second-guess myself and I want to be able to reply when I want to reply. Is that so wrong?.. Or if I want to text him, I want to be able to do so and not worry that hey, I already texted him an hour ago and he hasn’t replied, so it would be double-texting, which is a huge no-no with guys. 😬🙄 I mean, really? As I say, it’s only been a week - but if someone really does like me, do you think I should be able to communicate with him how it feels right and not worry that he might take it as me coming on too strong? I do like this guy - but any advice will be worthwhile for any future relationships. Thank you.

I do like this guy

You don't even know this guy. Not even a little bit. You are allowing fantasy to control you.

Obviously I don’t know him. I’m asking about texting in general - as I said in my last line.

Slow the hell down. Text back once or twice a day and do not let this mild flirtation take over your life.

It is not about not playing games it is about being fulfilled enough that a random man texting you off the internet is a mild distraction.

Btw my ex was a LDR and my current boyfriend is away for 2 months so i know alot about LDR and texting. But that is in actual relationships.

You have lost your sense of perspective. It may work out, it may not but rushing in from either side is a HUGE red flag

This has heartbreak written all over it. Please be careful op

Thanks. I know that it’s nothing at this point - of course I do! What I’m trying to say is nowadays with Covid, it’s not easy to meet people in real life. And I have zero experience with texting guys. That’s not how I met guys in my previous relationships - that was many years ago. And now to get a guy to want to continue the conversation via text, and then a phone call, and then to meet in real life - that’s what’s daunting for me. I made an example of this interesting person I just met - it’s just an example and I realise full well that it is extremely unlikely to go anywhere. But I will have to text with other guys in my city in the future if I stick to dating apps as I don’t really have a possibility of meeting people elsewhere - and that’s why I was asking for advice. How often to text, how to remain interesting to someone I don’t know at all - I’m sure there’s a skill to that and some people are naturally better than others. So tips on texting in early stages would be greatly appreciated. Thank you 🙂

I'm like you OP where I get quite attached, although for the first while I'm the opposite and very wary about letting myself feel those emotions but once I do then I feel them strong so I totally get where you're coming from, particularly with the texting!
I used to do the whole waiting to text thing but I stopped doing that with guys I started dating after I split up with my ex husband. I hate playing dating like a game! I also felt like consciously waiting to reply is actually making it all about them and if they want me rather than my own natural feelings. If I want to talk to someone then I'm going to reply when I feel I want to,that's focusing on what I want to do, not what will be most likely to 'hook them'. If me replying to their messages puts a guy off then it just means they're not right for me or weren't really that into me in the first place. I think you should just do what feels natural to you.

So, specifically: in early stages, I don’t know the guy - it’s been days. Just now, he texted good morning. Do I reply now? Do I wait a few hours? That’s the ‘texting games’ that I don’t know the rules of. Early stages - how do you do it? Thank you

Yes I would reply what you like, when you like.

I wouldn't bother with dating books, just go with the flow, you know when not to text too much/too little. Anyone has different preferences to when they communicate, I would set aside an hour in the evening to message to and fro someone I really liked, making someone wait hours between each text is well a bit annoying and takes ages to have any type of conversation but having said that I wouldn't constantly message throughout the day as I have other stuff going on in my life.

It's about finding a connection that works for you.

If you have something to say and want to send it now, send it!

Thank you, @Tallybeebloom! The thing is, I’m always on my phone - I’m a journalist, I use it all the time for work, I tweet from events for work etc etc. So I have to have all notifications enabled and of course if I’m texting with a guy I don’t know yet, his messages pop up. And I see them straight away. Even on weekends. So then yes, I do want to reply straight away - because I’m conditioned to reply, I guess, by years of work texting, emailing and filling stories on deadlines etc. But relationships are not work... so I realise I must be able to snap out of it. And take it slow and carefully not to get hurt - which I do, I got hurt recently by a guy a briefly dated after having met him online and then he wanted to ‘take it slow’ and just disappeared. I want to avoid that. I want to avoid getting attached and emotional... Oh why is it so difficult...

Just now, he texted good morning. Do I reply now? Do I wait a few hours?

Don't overthink it. If he messages, reply when you want to. If replying when feels natural to you is enough to put someone off then they weren't right for you in the first place.

Sorry, I just cross posted with you.
I get that, I have my phone near to me most of the time so tend to see messages and want to reply straight away if it's someone I like. I used to try not to but then I figured, what's the point in going against my own feelings, I'm then just making it all about them and what they might want and trying to second guess how they might respond to what I'm doing rather than just going with the flow.

I also realised in the last couple of years that dating might hurt sometimes, there might be rejection sometimes, but I know now that I can deal with that hurt, even if it might not feel nice at the time, you can move past it. That's my approach anyway, just to be myself, go with what feels right for me (which for me can involve falling hard) and if it doesn't work out I might feel hurt and upset but it won't be the end of the world and I'll move on. A year ago today I went on my first date with a guy and did exactly that and we're still going good. Had a couple of hurts before that but they seem like a distant memory now!

I think what I'm trying to say is don't be overly scared of getting hurt that it stops you from doing what feels right for you. Obviously look after yourself, be aware of res fla gs and warning signs, etc. but don't let a fear of a short term hurt stop you from experiencing dating and relationships in the way that comes naturally to you.

For goodness sake stop making this such an important part of your life. It is a casual on line connection. We are all starved of human contact at the moment. Just be friendly and answer him.

Last night my hairdresser sent me a WhatsApp out of the blue. Assumed he was lonely and had a chat and a laugh. His boyfriend was at work and our brief exchange made us both happier.
Just be yourself.

Thanks :) I’ll try not to overthink it.

How often to text, how to remain interesting to someone I don’t know at all - I’m sure there’s a skill to that and some people are naturally better than others.

You want to end up with someone genuinely compatible. When you meet someone who is genuinely compatible with you, conversation will flow naturally at a speed / frequency that works for you both. You ask how to remain interesting but if you're having to try to remain interesting to someone, they aren't someone suitable for a relationship with you. Someone who is a suitable match will find you genuinely interesting without you having to try.

Just to get mum-like - (you may have done this already, but just in cae...) BEFORE you really feel attached, make use of your journo skills to check that he is who he says he is! and to look for red flags on his profiles... safety first... then, as others have said, don't over think the texting.

Just go with it and enjoy it for what it is at the moment. Don't play texting games. If you want to answer do. Just try and remember to not get too invested but sure who knows what will happen. It's nice to have someone to talk to in these crazy times.

I’m long distance with my other half and have been for almost 2 years.

Not your distance but about 100 miles.

We met through work so it’s not quite the same as we met physically in person before the virus.

I text whenever I feel like it and so does he and we always did. He has just texted me good morning and I replied. I’m busy later so if he texts I might not reply for a bit and same if he’s busy.

Basically. Chill. And go with the flow.

Reply to him whenever you like
Forget the dating books and let it flow
Arrange a phone call in the next few weeks and enjoy it but not overwhelm you.
Never play up to someone but let them take you as you are.Including being a parent you are worthy.

Just be you, do what you feel is right.
If he's the one for you he'll accept who you are, and vice versa.
Stop overthinking it. And have fun.

I think you’re demonstrating the same unhealthy behaviours. It’s only been days and you’re acting like this guy is the one and you’re all excited. He’s a total stranger in another country. You’re also trying to justify to yourself why you should just throw yourself in and ignore what you learned about yourself.

Of course it’s a bit desperate, but I’m not sure what to advise, other than try to calm yourself down, as it does habe heartbreak written all over it.

Also. Be realistic.

His isn’t going anywhere. You’re in Zurich. He’s in Manchester. What’s the point of it? If it’s just flirting to make you feel good and that’s all it is to him, crack on. But if you’re wanting more or he is - you need to hammer it out. He can’t move if he has kids and neither can you (most likely).

And I say that as someone who is still 100 miles apart because of corona. But we had planned and still plan to be together at some point.

Don’t double text unless correcting a spelling or something. That does come across a bit much to me. In fact when a man has done that to me it annoys me.