DP not supportive after both grandparents' deaths

[littlepieces]

DP was pretty awkward when my grandmother died just before Christmas. He was sympathetic and available on the surface, but was clearly uncomfortable with me talking about it, uncomfortable that I was really upset, and just didn't know what to do or say. He was also quite blasé about it, didn't ask me about it again, or how I was after a day or two after she died and didn't really offer to do anything nice or thoughtful for me. I was a bit disappointed in his response tbh. He has lost grandparents and other relatives so it's not like he hasn't experienced this himself. He's also usually quite mature about difficult situations so I was surprised.

Unfortunately my grandfather has now just passed away too. DP has had the same response and it's made me now not want to talk to him or involve him in my latest loss at all. I honestly just can't face talking to him. He hasn't tried to call me or anything since it happened anyway, just sent me a couple of messages. Do you think I should tell him how I feel? And if so, what do I say?

I'm sorry you've had two close losses so soon, that's so tough
How is the relationship generally?
I think many people find it hard to deal with other peoples grief and tend to shy away from bringing it up.
I wouldn't judge him for this if you've normally got a good relationship.
I wouldn't try blaming him for not behaving a certain way either.
You could try encouraging the behaviour you would like him to display by sending a leading/suggestive text, along the lines of
'I'm finding the losses of my gp's really hard right now, I'm glad I've got you, is there any chance I could pop over for a big hug, I'm struggling right now and could do with some support/a shoulder to cry on'
Reach out to him

I am sorry for your losses littlepieces but I think I may react in a similar way to your DP.
Grandparents do die, it is the nature of life. I upset my DH when his grand parent died by saying "Well, she had a long and happy life so let's celebrate that rather than be sad at her death" he explained that didn't make it any easier for him. So now I tend to keep quiet rather than put my foot in it.
NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs give good advice about communication.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your both of your beloved grandparents in such a short space of time, I would suggest that he just doesn’t know how to react to things overly emotional, I admit I am the same. I rarely cry or get upset about things on the surface but deep down it hurts. Have a chat with him and say something along the lines of ‘I’m going through a really tough time at the moment and I feel heartbroken, i could really do with you some support off you. I’d love a big cuddle’

Thanks @NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs. Our relationship is good, we've been together for 2.5 years, lived together for 6 months. I've been staying with my mum 50 miles away since nan died in December as this area ended up being in a different tier to home when the latest lockdown began. He's pretty much never upset me until this point to be honest, maybe I'm just surprised.

@Peakypolly Yes grandparents do die, but these grandparents were generally well and sadly both struck down with Covid. They died really horrible deaths, alone, and I never got to say goodbye properly or comfort them knowing they were suffering, which has been pretty traumatic. I do understand where you're coming from on the keeping quiet front.

He sounds as supportive as wet cardboard ...
His behaviour/response to your emotional needs right now is telling you how he feels about your grief/distress..

I'll give you a clue.. he couldn't care less .. and this is showing you what you mean to him..

not a jot 🌺

Im sorry for your loss ... very cruel losing so close together 🌺

Sorry for your loss OP.

No excuse for his behaviour. Some things may feel awkward, that's life. It's not a cop-out for trying. Kindness and support are part of a relationship.

Just had a thought about an ex of mine who acted in same way when my beloved grandfather died. Yet when any of his friends suffered bereavement he was round there like a shot, offering sympathy and sitting with them.

Some people don’t know what to do or say. He may be more practical about death. I don’t know how old yours were and how old you are but perhaps he thinks they’ve lived a long life and they will inevitably die. He may have known people in his life that have died younger or terrible deaths...I don’t know?

If you need support then you need to tell him.

that’s really sad. I lost my dear grandmother last year and I felt I needed a bit of extra TLC. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you have others to support you if DP is being useless. Might not be a keeper if he doesn’t do emotional support.

Sorry for your losses.

Some families are just different about death. My DH's family is very emotional, lots of anniversary memorials, when gp were dying everyone racing around to see them one last time etc, after the death. (pre covid) sitting in rooms together weeping. Lost of graveside maintenance etc. And that's fine because that's their way.

With my family I don't even know where two of my GPs are buried (I was younger and they lived in a different part of the country) we've certainly never visited. My other GP we didn't collect the ashes due to a miscommunication. It only came to light a decade after he died. Obviously we cried at the funeral and I still miss them all but we are very practical about it and I find the public grief of my DH's family quite... uncomfortable and almost gaudy to watch. Not that I'd ever comment of course!
So what do you want from him is the question? You said he hasn't done anything nice for you..are you expecting a card or flowers? It wouldn't even occur to me to do that for my partner. I send a card to a husband/wife or my gran when her sister died but that's absolutely all.

You say you feel you can't talk about it, but has he actually done anything to say he doesn't want to hear it or are you just reading that into the fact he isn't grieving obviously on your behalf?

He may be projecting his reaction and needs when his grandparents died onto you. He may have not wanted people checking up on him and trying to talk about it so is assuming you want the same. He probably knows you're not okay - who would be - so what's the point in asking a question to an answer he already knows. He may be respectively wait for you to come to him rather then him 'pestering' you when your with your mother grieving.

Have you actually told him what you need or assumed he just knows and you are then disappointed when he doesn't react as you want him to?
Communication is key. Tell him you'd appreciate him checking in, that you'd like to take with him about what you're going through.

People react differently to death, but seem to assume everyone else should automatically know what they need. Communicate and then see if he is supportive.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Everyone deals with death differently and there is no right or wrong. I lost my sister in the summer and I just wanted to be left alone the day it happened. DH just left me to get on with it. Told me he was there if/when I needed him. A few people have said I didn't react how they expected me to afterwards. I'm very matter of fact about it when I discuss it with others. How I feel and what I show are two very different things.

Tell him what you need. There will be someone on telling you in a minute "you shouldn't have to tell him" but unless you are going out with a mindreader, you need to be able to communicate your needs in a relationship rather than silently expect something.

I had the exact same thing when my nan died, felt like everytime I brought it up it I made him feel awkward. In the end I explained that if I didn't talk about her, I would go crazy, so asked that he please let me occasionally do this. He did get better. I honestly think it's emotional immaturity and not knowing what to say. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Sometimes it's the people love the most that we can't bear to see sad, so detach as a coping mechanism. Very hard on you though when you just want some support. I lent on friends for grief which really helped. I also spoke to someone from Cruise a few times. That way I didn't feel like I was falling apart all the time or relying solely on him for support. Sending you hugs as I know how difficult it is.

Talk to him in a calm way. Your feelings are valid, but equally he may not be much good at this kind of thing. It’s important to discuss as it will help you get to know each other and decide if you are right for each other.

I am very sorry for your loss
I would have been understanding about maybe doing/saying nothing in case it was the wrong thing. But he hasn't even spoken to you? Just a few text messages?
My friend lost her grandmother recently and I rang her at the time to offer condolences and have rang more often than normal since as I know she needs the distraction more now.
She lives with her partner and children so isn't alone or anything.
I would have a long think about this to be honest, anyone can be great when life is going well it's the hard times that show character.

People deal with death in different ways and a lot of people don't really know what to say or do when someone close to them has a relative die because they don't want to upset them even more.
My dp is the least emotional person you will ever meet. He doesn't get upset when anyone dies. When my gps died (both of dementia, both in a home, both took years deteriorating before they actually died, horrible long drawn out deaths) he didn't show any emotion. Gave me hug and that was about it. Didn’t really talk about it, and I didn't really expect him too. You are staying with your mum, you have her at the moment. If he's generally good in other ways then I wouldn't write off the relationship because of this.
Death is uncomfortable for some people.

@BlueThistles

He sounds as supportive as wet cardboard ... His behaviour/response to your emotional needs right now is telling you how he feels about your grief/distress..

I'll give you a clue.. he couldn't care less .. and this is showing you what you mean to him..

not a jot 🌺

This

Sorry for your loss OP

However after your grandparents sadly passed away, you've never come home to him? It must be at least 6 weeks, yet you've just stayed away due to being in a different tier, despite the fact you live together? In these circumstances I'm not surprised he hasn't fully supported you - he hasn't been able to as you're not there? It seems you've clearly communicated to him he's not someone you want to be around at a difficult time, and he's responded by being distant (which he is because you've left him at home on his own for a month and a half.)

@mstumble Thank you, to be fair I've since had a similar conversation with him and he's got a bit better. I actually think it's become apparent that he's

@JovialNickname Didn't go into detail on this because wasn't necessary, but his brother quarantined and moved in with him over Xmas and while I've been away, as he's clinically vulnerable (type 1 diabetes). Which is also why I've been concerned to go back, considering my grandparents both just died from Covid.

*quite sad about it himself, and sad that I'm sad.

Is this the first time you have had a need for empathy? What is your instinct about the situation, lack of expression or lack of empathy?

Empathy is very important in a life partner.

Coming from the other side, I'm a little like your DP. I'm not particularly emotional and can easily just put feelings in a box. In the past I have struggled to understand other people, so would always suggest explaining your feelings properly. For instance if he doesn't quite get that your grandparents dying causes significant grief, he might understand that it had caused significant grief because you were very close, they did [x] activity with you, or were there for all your big moments. I'm sorry for your loss though OP, hope you're doing ok x

My dad died in the last few years and my mum has been in hospital with very serious medical conditions since dad died (inc Covid recently) and my wife never asks or offers help or asks me how I am or how mum is. She was exactly the same when my dad died.

I am used to this behaviour.

@SomewhereInbetween1 Thanks for the different perspective, thanks for sharing. My family has spent the past year frantically trying to keep my grandparents well and safe (we've been so worried about them) so it's a colossal kick in the guts that this has happened. DP probably isn't aware of the impact if this.

@daddyshark1976 That's just so strange, and sad. Have you ever asked her why? Really hope your mum has made a full recovery from Covid.