Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't trust Partner - Is it worth working on?

15 replies

lee12345 · 23/01/2021 17:04

Hi,

I've been with my partner for 3 years, we have a child & a home together. I've always had some minor trust issues with him due to when we first met, he was also seeing another woman at the same time. We were not officially together & I had told him I didn't want a relationship, but it was more to do with the lies he had told which made me doubt him when we did get together.
Anyway flash forward a few years & things have mostly been good, the odd argument here & there. But this week I had a message from his cousins ex girlfriend who lives on the other side of the country, saying she had some messages from my partner in which he had sent nude photos of himself. She sent me all the messages, so I could see it all. What started out as a seemingly innocent conversation, she was actually asking for his help in getting her ex boyfriend back as she was still in love with him & was hoping my partner could talk to him about it. Then ended up with my partner flirting & randomly sending nude photos of himself. To be honest there wasn't much on her side, but some of the things he was saying to her I won't repeat on here but you can imagine. It has only all come out because she told her friend, who then told her ex boyfriend & it went on from there.
My partner has been very apologetic, doing all the usual trying to make it up to me, but I cannot shake it from my head. He basically has said he was drunk, which I know he was, but that is no excuse to me. He said he's been feeling down & just wanted some reassurance from someone miles & miles away & there was nothing more to it. He says he never has & never will physically cheat.
My problem is, as I've always had some trust issues with him, will I ever be able to get over this & move on. Or am I just dragging out the inevitable? Should I even forgive him!

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 23/01/2021 17:11

There is NO excuse. I would end the relationship. Sorry OP Flowers

YoniAndGuy · 23/01/2021 17:13

No way. You’ll bitterly regret it if you do. He’s a cheat. Simple as.

GlowingOrb · 23/01/2021 17:16

When you share a child, sometimes you decide to work past infidelity.

My question for the op was if the nudes were sent with the recipients permission or without. Without I would view as sexual assault and I couldn’t work past that. With permission, and I would give the matter time, possibly marriage counseling, and then make my decision.

Trickyboy · 23/01/2021 17:17

I'm a bit surprised that after 'always having trust issues' you nevertheless decided to have a child with this man.

Meet, get pregnant , go through a pregnancy in the space of three years shrieks of someone not thinking things through. Now there is a child in the mix and you are rethinking...

Please don't make another knee jerk decision. More than you involved now. Leave or stay but do one or the other after a lot of thought.

lee12345 · 23/01/2021 17:18

@GlowingOrb

When you share a child, sometimes you decide to work past infidelity.

My question for the op was if the nudes were sent with the recipients permission or without. Without I would view as sexual assault and I couldn’t work past that. With permission, and I would give the matter time, possibly marriage counseling, and then make my decision.

Thankyou for your comments.

He had said he would send her some & she sort of laughed it off, but when he did send her some she complimented him & did carry on messaging him for some time after, so it wasn't one sided.

OP posts:
Teaseller · 23/01/2021 17:45

It stands out to me that you say you've always had trust issues with him.

I think you need to decide if a lack of trust is something you can live with. Everyone is different when it comes to that.

If you're determined to stay together, then I'd go to counselling and work it out not sweep everything under the carpet.

For me personally - my ex h started off sexting other women, swore nothing physical would happen, but guess what - it did eventually. So I wouldn't put up with it again, but everyone is different and has different boundaries of what is acceptable.

seensome · 23/01/2021 18:00

I would take it as a warning not to continue the relationship, he's looking to cheat she won't of been the first or last. It's no way to live once the trust is gone.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 20:45

Reframe your thinking on this.

It's not that you have trust issues.

It's that your partner is untrustworthy.

The relationship isn't viable long term, it will not be a healthy, happy one, because you don't trust him (for good reason) and he doesn't care enough to have changed of his own accord.

Yes you are delaying the inevitable - life's too short to spend with someone who makes you feel sad and anxious.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2021 20:52

If there is no trust there is no relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do not continue to do your bit here to teach your child such damaging lessons on relationships. I would firm up plans to leave him because this is really no way to live and he is taking you for a mug.

Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 21:04

Grim

Theowawaynow · 23/01/2021 21:09

Ha please don’t listen to the “you have a child work in it”.

You will never trust him, not because you have issues but because he’s an untrustworthy dick. Sending nudes unsolicited is rank!

Think of it this way, better to split now and your child to only know that life. Than to wait 5 years until he shags someone and split when they are older.

IdblowJonSnow · 23/01/2021 21:11

No OP. I would not and this would absolutely finish any relationship for me. How are you ever going to trust him? Millions of people get pissed every day. Being drunk doesn't excuse or justify his behaviour!

lovelywhitesnow · 23/01/2021 21:20

No he'd be gone.

You don't have a trust issue you have an untrustworthy partner

Miffyliffy · 23/01/2021 21:21

Yeah nah I couldn't....it would just be a matter of time before he does it again
..

Wonder what else he's down that you haven't found out about

Nowstrong · 23/01/2021 21:26

Answer to your question : No.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread