Would you believe other people?

[regnottroll]

What would you do if you had met someone who seemed lovely, loved your kids and treated you like a princess. If this man treated you better than anyone else ever had in your life. But none of your friends knew as you were determined to take things slowly. Then you heard he had beaten up his ex. At the moment we are only friends but he wants more. Would you believe hearsay and get rid of him immediately? Or give him the benefit of the doubt? Im inclined to go for the former as im keen on protecting my kids and myself, obviously.

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Can you do a bit more digging? Is the gossip from a reasonable source? I wouldn't get rid of him immediately on just hearsay, but I wouldn't take things any further till I knew more one way or another.
BUT - the fact is domestic abusers are not always the drunken, foul stereotype, the majority are amazingly charming and the sort that nobody outside the situation can believe would harm anyone. When you hear abused women's stories they almost invariably start with how wonderful the man was, how great he made her feel - at first. It's a very insidious process - nobody would get involved with them in the first place if they showed their true colours straight away.
Sorry if that's no help, but my advice would be - tread carefully.

Follow your instincts to protect yourself and your children. Better to have figured this out sooner rather than later. IME leopards rarely change their spots.

sorry i dont have much advice but think as someone else said....can you possibly find out if this really is true? chinese whispers have a lot to answer for but then on the other hand you just never know how true these things are....for now i would do nothing at all..just remain friends perhaps until you know for sure and then decide what is best for you and your kids. personally, if it is true i wouldnt risk it.

Tread very carefully as abuse and control often go hand in hand.

don't think theres any point in asking him - if its true he's hardly likely to admit it.

can you not investigate it? do you know his ex or anyone who knew them that you could ask?

don't give him more until you're absolute sure its safe to do so.

Good luck!

Just repeating what others have said really, tread carefully but I would suggest you have to give this man the benefit of the doubt, at least until you give him a chance to explain himself. I realise a lot of you have exo of this in your past relationships and I am not in anyway undermining what you went through but I think we are all aware of the power of gossip and mis-accusations on people loves also.

Either way, at somepoint you will have to make a decision about him and where you want this to go and to be honest, if at the end of asking him you still aren't sure - you should folow your instincts and step back from him. At least once you have asked him and gauged his reaction, you will not have the nagging doubt in your mind. You'll be able to move on with a clear conscience.

Hope that helps

There's no smoke without a fire!
Even if the information is not 100% accurate there might be some uncomfortable thruth in it. So I'd get rid of that person.

Someone who treated me "like a princess" would be ringing alarm bells for me anyway. Too much

Regnotroll what are your instincts telling you. Is there the slightest possibility it might be true. Where did you hear the rumour about him beating up his ex. Was it from a source you would normally trust or someone who has a reason to stir things up?

I think listen to those ppl who know what they are talking about. Abusers can be the most charming people ever to start with, like Turquoise says.

I was told this about someone I started seeing. I confronted him about what I had heard and he denied it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt - glad I did - I married him and he has never laid a finger on me in the 7 years we have been together. He doesn't even start rows (and I love a good row).

Don't know.

If he is OTT in treating you like a princess, then agree with Tinker - it is too much and would ring alarm bells.

Do the person (s) who told you about his wife-beating past also know you are seeing him? If you are sure they don't know, then the gossip has no motive. But, is it possible this man has been secretly telling people he likes you, and this information is a warning from them?

What about the rest of his life - is it an open book, do you feel he is on the level and has no big secrtes to hide? do you know a lot of his friends or does he compartmentalise you? Importanty, is he keen to introduce you to people he has known for a long time?

I agree that if you confront him about his wife, you will not know if his answer is true. When you talk to him about his past relationships, his marriage, why he and his wife split up, what does he say?

How are his other relationships? Does he have long standing friends who are loyal to him? Does he have children? Is he on good terms with his ex?

I think you need to go back to the person from whom you heard the rumour, and see if you can nail it down.